Not a lot has happened, really. It feels like this year wasn't even real.

I've spent a whole year denying the fact that reality is closing up on me. Denying, that my dreams, my hopes, my joy. It's all vanishing into the unknown. I'm holding onto it, but my arms are getting tired. I've spend a whole year staring at my life, and quietly watching it fall apart, but not doing anything about it. I've spend a whole year trying to dream. Dream myself away to a place far from where I am. Because I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to live up to the expectations that are put up for me.

I want to hold onto what's left of myself. I want to hold onto those dreams and that joy I get from doing what I love.

Y'know that spark you see in a child's eyes? When they tell you about wanting to be and do all these things. And you know deep down that they're going to be let down one day. One day, those dreams are going to disappear and be replaced with "realistic" goals.

I know I'm not very old. I don't have the wisdom of an old man. But I know that those dreams shouldn't go to waste. I know what I want to do and that I'll have to fight for it. I want hold onto those dreams for as long as I can. Because without them, I don't know who I am. I want to pursue those goals I've made, and there's nothing you can tell me to make me do otherwise.

I am in control of what I'm doing with my one life. And I will not let myself down. When I then once grow old. I might not have reached my goals. I might not have come as far as I wanted to. But at least I'd know, that I never gave up.

I will look back on my life and not regret a single step. I will not regret a single breath. I am done regretting. I am done looking back at my life, every new year, and think "Wow, I haven't really accomplished anything" I am done watching all the things I love vanish into the unknown. No, I'm going to grab onto them and pull them right up.
I've got a long way to go. And I know the road will be bumpy and the wind will blow in the opposite direction.
But for now..

I'll keep dreaming.

It's okay
(It hurts so much)
I'll keep my mouth shut
(Please hear my calling)
Go bid your goodbye
(Don't say it)
I'll be happy for you
(I'll be sorry for myself)
I'll always paint a smile
(The tears will never stop)
Go walk away
(Stay, I'm begging you)
Leave without hard or hurt feelings
(Leave them with me, I'll carry them for you)
Find your space, your place
(It's here by my side, is it not?)
Don't look back
(Look at me, just look at me again)
If we're meant to be
(Yes we are, we were, and we could still be)
We will meet again someday
(How about today?)
I am fine
(Baby, I'm so torn, so broken and dead)
I will be fine
(Oh God, I want to be fine)
Don't worry now*
(Let me be the one to bear it all)