Sadness and euphoria.
They are bitter truths that go together,
Like zealotry and bigotry,
Or monogamy and deceit.
Sadness and euphoria: sadness the shell, euphoria the oyster.

I’m searching for an answer.
Surrounded by monogamists I crawl and weep,
Surrounded by dogmatists I hunger.
I’m searching for a key to unlock the doors of profanity.
I don’t want to hear something about the seasons,
Or anything about ethics.
No more flowers,
Away with the aesthetic of yore.
Give me the affairs, the filth, secret lives.
Give me the runaways, the elderly, the jokesters.
Give me the casanovas and cougars.
I search this rotten boulevard and t
All night, all night, even during the day..
I’m on the search..
I’m looking for a key to unlock the doors of profanity.

I'm like a curse
A walking parasite
Latching onto various people
Until it gets to be too much
And then I move on to the next

That's how they see me at least
They don't realize the humanity within me
They don't see the tears
The anger
The pain
When someone loses me
I lose them too
I don't just happily move on
I feel the searing sting
Tears burning scarred skin
Wishing I could be what they needed
But I never am

They say I don't know what love is
"If you love someone, you don't leave"
I hear you
But I disagree
You were hurting
And I was hurting
We both still feel that pain
But "us" is impossible
Regardless of feelings
Regardless of love
I'm learning to live for myself
So I can stop hurting those around me
Because you deserve better than that

You're right, I didn't try hard enough
But I was suffocating
And the distance didn't help at all
Yes you're unhappy now but
At least you have a chance to move on
I couldn't give you forever
I couldn't give you stability
I am unpredictable
"Curve *****" you called them
Fluid feelings aren't made for forever

Maybe I don't know what love is
Or maybe I express it differently
We were good once
And I'll hold on to those memories
But we're nothing but toxic now
And I don't know what to do with that

I'm not sure I'm ready to lose the love I feel now
But I don't know if I can let go of you either
I wish we could compromise
I wish it wasn't all or nothing for you

Even if I left them
You and I would have to start over
Are you ready for that?
Am I?
Can I guarantee monogamy forever
Or will it all fall away again?

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

Watching paired black geese
Flying in cold winter winds
Each as me, one love

Innocence
becomes
passe
Sin again
within
favor
Gestures of genuine penance,
all shall be refused
Jaded to the long term touch
I shall now renew
Sin
     Again
               Within
                           Favor
Sin
     Again
               to
                  Favor
Balcony beckons escape to only fetishists' invites
God would not rain *** and skin in test
So
   Remain
                Godless