If I owned any power i'd spend it in an instant
Every wish granted steals a speck of my soul
But with this blow
Preserve my purity please
Help me unsee the ******* sway of trees and
Settle down those birds in the dirt
Reverse the men who capitalise on my void
With dark magic toys of survival, made with some militant oil
Erase the permanent crease in my face when time serves worry
Wipe off the artificial laughter on them,
Cut off their hair and
Let us share it for our glad communion
Let me feel my own body
Without the ******* and reaching
Of wild flies at me like some flesh sun
Leave the well bitten life to run rampant and free
I have nothing to believe in now, but something beautiful like you, steal this suffering and
Give it to stillness instead
Have it grieve and breathe in
The future leaving,
Now, if only wishes
Made the world unbroken.

Why do we care
so fully

to an acute point
of exhaustion

to the
     extent
we suffocate

in the
     moment
we're told to

speak

Remember the hope in you,
Let it erupt like unexpected froths of bubbles
Emerging from within a dark, deep river.
Is it the exhalation of some creature within the turbulent, yet unwitting water?

Breaths captured in fragile shells
Distracting us from watching that river,
Not consciously realizing that the distraction
Is what we were waiting for all along.

Numb?
No actually better already,
Painful?
halfway, not full I suppose.
Thought I was so very aware,
Turned out, I didn't know half of the truth.

Fears chasing me, yet again.
And I try to stay in the moment,
Maybe that was the mistake,
I held on to it, with force.

I was convinced, my inner state,
Must feel all pure and harmonious,
Every time I have made it into the
Present moments.
But very possible I was wrong,
And I covered my fears with an image,
Of how I would think,
A moment in human's life should feel.

Sounds bit complicated, I know.
But I know what I talk about.
I am tired of hiding the unpleasant,
I better live with, not without it.

In fact without it, that's not possible.
At least till I have cleared it up.
It can't disappear, it's emotional,
And I used to cover it up.

It was a part of my perfect thinking,
I idealized myself,
In my view, I am a real warrior,
A hero for the weak and dead,
I put this expectation on myself,
I carried it around like a shield,
And though no arrow really got to me,
I still got traumatized, stopped to feel.
In fact behind the shield I was just hiding,
I hid my fears, my worries beneath,
I am still very sure that they're my weaknesses,
I tried to be different, and the result was this.

I truly stopped to feel real pain,
I fell to ashes and got up again,
But through the journey,
I lost who I was,
And my humanity got lost.

Now I am standing here,
My shield, still in my hand,
But I have made a hole,
To look through it instead.

I am not ready to uncover,
How damaged I am underneath,
I am not ready to discover,
My truth and my uncertainties.

I'm wounded, but I am alive.
I see it although I still hide,
Under the shield,
A perfect game,
The sun, the rain,
They're all the same,
No light comes in,
And storms stay outside,
But I am here to live,
And I have to decide,
Can I let the illusion go,
Am I ready to meet with my soul,
Am I ready to show the world,
Who I am and who I'm actually not?

Truly, I didn't even know,
I held this shield through it all,
I just saw it in my hand and realized,
I am not as much a hero, as I fantasized.

In fact I feel really hurt and blind,
For the waking up is cutting within
At the same time I realize,
It is time to let life and light in.

It is a very small, though heavy step to make.
I am still shaking insecurely, I have fears.
I need more courage now,
Than I ever had,
And I'm glad, that now I understand that.