Once I hated you
when you told me what to do,
but the English language
is always either passive
or aggressive,
and I know you only meant well.

Can you forgive me
for hating you
every time you breathed the words with ease
that strangle my own throat;
that I can barely say?

I'm sorry for all the times
I'd rather be you than me,
thinking wrongly
that your life was easier;
But it's only different.
I know that now.

This isn't what I expected from closeness.
That each new piece of you
would make me feel worse about myself.
It's not because of you,
but because of my perception.
It’s collapsing with my life.

So please let me know
when I become too much to hold,
when your arms start to ache,
or when this **** just starts to get old.
I'll leave with no trouble,
Because under all this,
I do love you.


-e.r.n.

I hope you hate me as much as I do
Maybe that's why I go through what I go through
The decisions I make
And the chances I take
All excuses to push away
The love that I want to stay
But I am undeserving
My fear is unnerving
I desire to build
But I only destroy
My dreams are all killed
By my own selfish ploy

He gave a negative comment.
She took it in a positive way.
He called her ' A Model '.
She interpreted ' An exemplar '.
But he meant ' A Copy '.

i listen to her rant about her boyfriend,
about how he never calls, about how
        this isn’t ***** dancing, my name isn’t baby.
i nod when i’m supposed to and agree
when it seems necessary.
       how are you and that guy doing, anyways?
i tell her that we’ve been doing fine
and that he never buys me flowers.
        what a shame, pretty girls deserve flowers.
i think about it later that night,
about how i never get flowers.
        you’re pretty enough, really.
i can hear his voice inside my head.
i close my eyes and i can see him.
        why don’t you believe me?
i want to tell him that pretty girls
deserve flowers, and he has yet to deliver.

Pretending it's not enough
None is able to deceive all these ghosts
They banalize your smiles but
They banalize your tears
And I wasn't born empathic

Identifying your thoughts with strong words
But you're still incomplete
None knows this feeling, I guess

Find the way
Can anyone tell me how can it be so hard, now
The way out gets weaker
Gets extraneous
Can't be enough anymore

Can't stand still
Can't wait all the time
Can't fight it all away

If you don't feel loved after loving me
then you're doing it all wrong.
Take me or leave me I can't hang around here for long.
This is all of me and I give it to you...
That is something you must understand, something you must consume.

Misty morning,  misty eyed
Rain falling from the sky
Memories fill my head
From last night, the last night
It was the darkest night
I ever have known
A tear fell for each thought I had of you
For each disbelief,
A shot of whisky, or two
You never believed in us, all this time
Never did you bring to the table of concerns, between you and I
Disbelief still lingers in my mind
Lying in the rain,
Erasing time
To think again, of what once was I
living my fantasy
Perhaps out of touch
During a time of what I thought, once was us.

Each fast forward is a misunderstanding
Though it remains the same, just darkens with each handing
Harder for me to capture what’s written in ink
When the physical now takes over all that I must think
Seeds are the beginning of an expected progression
But a tree that stands tall is Old without Lesson
Shameful to hide behind mountains of growth
When you recognize the same scars in each and in both
Ironic is paper that is stripped down from tree
When words of my root are setting me free.

We love you* they said
I believed them as any other child would.
they had to love me.
so I left them with no other choice
than to hate me.
to leave them with eyes
drowning in an ocean of misunderstandings
trying to make sense of things.
make sense of me.
with hard times comes a hard hand.
or so it was for me.
not for them.
they did not know me.
they do not know me.
so I get a hard hand.
followed by a we love you.
Leaving my eyes
drowning in an ocean of misunderstandings.
*I love you too