the pain in my heart
is growing promptly
i've built up these walls
so no-one would see

  pain - i know you
you **** me deep inside
make me feel insubstantial
you are a stride......

  i cry myself to sleep
hugging my pillow tight
i wish you to hold me warm tonight
i need you to cheer me up
stop me to drink and be numb enough  not to feel anything

Last night I closed my eyes and you came to me in the dark, just you in a room where you were surrounded by pitch black
Your face was blank, basically emotionless
as you stared back at me, it was like you were right in front of me and even when I opened my eyes your image was still fresh in my mind
No matter what I did I couldn’t make you go away
I didn’t feel scared of you but it just made me sad
Seeing you morph like my mind was remembering the details of your face and then you came into view the way I remember
As you,
with those eyes behind your glasses that they buried you in and that grey beanie that was on your head at your funeral, the one you wore to work so often, along with your other ball caps they removed from your desk
They told us we would feel so many ways for awhile after your loss
But no one mentioned you showing up in the dark

Everyone says no to us
Yet our hearts entwine
Everything is against us
Yet when our eyes meet it's just us
Even as a tear drops
I know you are still ready to crucify me
They say ice and ice
Is bound to freeze
Yet the fire in our hearts
Burns brighter than ever
Won't the warmth keep us breathing
How to tame our hearts from going wild
The only way is to crash the spirit
In your so called ways
To purify the soul
Yet it will **** us
With an excuse of keeping us alive
After diminishing us
Extinguishing any hope
We have for the future
You think we are wrong
The problem is
You think
We believe that in this world
Right or wrong  is a question for our hearts
Let the hearts decide
Our minds fool us
Our eyes blind us
Our people abandon us
The world betrays us
Yet you still crucify us

©The Snitch Writes
®I never betrayed but a snitch they said I was

I look at her
and see
the beginnings of
myself,
and is that not something
worth celebrating?

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing

Like an uninvited guest I have stitched myself to you.
You never wanted my presence but here I am regardless
I am a friend you never wanted
But i have attached my self to you like a wild beast
Ripping and tearing at your skin below the surface.
The control I have over you weighs on your chest  
My claws dig into your lungs, slowly suffocating you.
I manipulate your memories and thoughts into my design
My creation,
My desire.
I feed off your fatigue and ruin all the good times that you never had
I build a barrier between you and the rest of the world
I lock you up and throw away the key
“Your in my head, you can't hurt me” I hear you cry out
Nevertheless I have concocted a potion that will send you spirelling
Locking you into the pit of overwhelming fear and self hating sadness
I am your worst nightmare and your closest friend
I am your anxiety.

At this point in life whoever you’re with or whoever you’re gonna meet is irreparably broken
I know this cause so am I
I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year now and off and on for several years before this and I still haven’t gotten it quite figured out
the damage done by past relationships follows swiftly
like a dark shadow I constantly see the pain out of the corner of my eyes
I don’t know how to help someone else when I’m hurting too
so stumbling and falling is natural when you can’t see which direction your feet are going
maybe some of us weren’t meant to be destined for greatness or great love
maybe we’re not all meant to find true happiness or peace
maybe we’re not meant to live without the anxiety because at this point, it’s a part of who we are
and if we lose that too, then we’d lose ourselves completely

things that bothered me yesterday
I can’t even remember today
so while the anxiety and troubles have passed
I’ll just soak up this feeling while it lasts

when I think of regrets in this life
there are more than I could count on both hands and feet
regret is natural and normal and healthy
but some of it is not
the kind that creeps up on you day after day
when your brain isn’t fully involved in something or a conversation and so there is space to fill with memories, ideas, or a bunch of nonsense
or all of the bad things you’ve ever done in your whole entire life
I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone or said them out loud even
the past ruminates in my conscious
waiting to bite me in the most random moments when I least expect it
several sentences in and I still can’t get it out
the words are there right behind my lips but I can’t get them out
I might die one day being the only one who knows