Everyone I liked before you
Have been a lesson learnt
And while I cannot fathom
The possibility of us
Being anything else
Feeling anything else
Than we do now
I cannot help but wonder
If you're the hardest lesson
I have yet to learn.

You know
How I told you before
That I have no muse
Because it ran away
Well I've been leafing through my notebooks
And I've come to realise that
Without intending to
A new muse
Has been hiding
In the depths of my tangled mind
It's you.

You have taken up
The space that was once empty
I write as I love and I love to write
Somewhere along the way
You have become the most frequent topic
Of my many musings
It is clear to me now that
In the search for finding the right words to say to you
I have been writing down the things
I can't quite say aloud (Yet).

I will keep all of these
Incoherent, unfinished, rambamable
Yet honest things
I will keep them safe
One day I will place them together
Side by side
Finally you will see
The words I struggle to express
You will see
My feelings on paper
In their most raw and true state
Just for you.

Eyelids drooping
My body aches for respite, for rest
Yet I still try my best
To fight this weak human need
Just so that I can see
Through the darkness
With weary eyes
Your name
Flash in a blur
On my phone screen
Just so that I can read
Your words
Hear your voice
Your soft, low tones
Echo in my head
Just so that I can pretend
You are here with me.

I miss you so much
It is an ache that pains me more
Than my lack of sleep
Between those few hours of solace
We have together
Th ache grows
Only temporarily subsided
By the thought of you
Lying awake, thinking of me too.

So I'll keep denying myself sleep
Just to feel the familiar
Rush of happiness
Swelling up inside
When I see your name
Lighting up the long, cold nights.

The intensity of the moment suspended
Rendered me speechless
My mind went numb
My heart went on overdrive
To compensate for it
Until eventually I croak out
A mangled whisper
Those three words.

They never seem to sound
Quite as I want them to
They never seem to hold
The same weight
They never seem to evoke
The same feelings
As hearing them
Being said with such certainty
By you.

I hope you still understand
I really hope you know
Just how much

I love you.

I've always loved the idea of you
but whenever I think of it--
how your hair touches your ears
how round and deep your eyes are
how your dimple on your left cheek shows
how you laugh when I whisper my lame jokes
how you go for a drive when you're not in the mood
when you remind me to do my papers even when you miss talking to me
how you send your good morning messages
and how you struggle to type when you're sleepy
when you listen to music almost the whole day
when you listen to my endless stories
how you smile while watching chick flicks on cable
how you strum your guitar
how you find it cute when I rant
how you fancy our ear piercings
when you share how your day went
and your someday plans with me
how you make pancakes
and my every days--
every time I think of you
I feel this addictive pain in my chest
and every time I do
I wish that it would be the last time

Last night I had a dream
And in that dream
I fell asleep in your arms
A simple wish,
Which I desire greatly
It felt so real.

I was blissfully happy
And I felt so safe,
I finally felt at peace
A feeling which has been difficult to hold onto
As of late.

Now I'm awake,
Left to face the bitter reality
- I am all alone.

I miss you more than ever.

When I read those words
My heart lurched
All I wanted was to
Be with you
So I could
Fade your scar with a kiss
And hold you so tight
Never ever letting you go
So that you would know
Something like this
Would never ever change
My feelings for you
Something like this
Would never change us
In the way that you feared
If anything
It has made us stronger
It is proof of the trust
We have in each other
I don't want you
To ever feel
That way
Again.

You make my breath
Catch in my throat
And my stomach flip
You beating out
The rhythm of my heart
All these strange, wonderful feelings
I want to keep.

How do I explain
The way you've inhabited
My brain
And made me believe
What I wish for could be real
I'm not sure what I want
I'm not sure how I feel
However, I'm hoping
Just hoping
You'll never let me
Build those walls
Good times, Bad times
Through it all
I'm hoping you won't let me go
Free my heart,
Free my soul
Like I will do for you.

Here we are again
Nervous energy trembles
Finally alone.