I first knew I was gay
When my best friend kissed me
She came out a year before
she told her parents one night at the dinner table
And they told her they loved her no matter what and that
It’s a parents job to support their kids in the decisions they make
So I had no reason to be scared , Right?
So mum calls me down for dinner
Me, mum, dad and my little sister all sit at the table
Mum asks me how my day has been
And I tell her that my best friend kissed me
Mum spits and says
‘How dare she!’
Dad looks disgusted and says
‘I bet you pushed her away.’
I look down at my food in shame
‘No. No I didn’t.’
Both my parents look at each other with anger in their eyes
‘I’m gay.’
-silence-
‘Get out my house’
I get up, pack my bags and go.
Its been 5 years and now I’m married to a female
And now I know
When I told my parents I didn’t push my now wife away
I didn’t feel ashamed
I was proud

i feel my heartbeat in my head
i try to think logically
but my heart tells me what's meant to be
and i can't change a single thing
i feel my heartbeat in my head
i can only hear my heartbeat in my head

tonight is a bad night
i think so, yes
if tonight was a good night, the walls wouldn’t whisper
remind me of a coarsely threaded blue-and-white duo
the soft lights hanging from above wouldn’t attack
blind me with a yellow too bright for what lies behind my pupils
the insides of my palms wouldn’t rip me apart
make me question if the lines carved on them truly belong to me
the wind wouldn’t claw at the window
beg me to let it pull my hair as my right foot dangles, cold and free
everything aches, everything screams
i only wanted silence
but She is trapped in the wooden planks my feet no longer know
how did this happen
how did this happen

I think i'm fine but i'm suppressing
To hide weakness and pain is to pretend
But in reality of my desperation,
I crave for attention

Attention to be heard with my silence
But sometimes silence is so loud
It makes me want to disappear

It's this feeling that I can't explain
For even though i'm not alone
I still can't find my inner peace

i am the “beware of dog” sign
and you are the dog
you are behind me
on a chain
loud and angry
i am there
so the next person that crosses your path
cannot be upset
as there is a sign
that warns
to beware of your tendencies

I'm shaking
why am I shaking?
breathing rapid
eyes wide
tears fuzz the edges of my vision
indifferent faces swirl
like a van gogh painting
I hug myself to keep my heart intact
I can't breathe
it's so loud
why is everyone so loud?
no one is here to save me
no one is here to protect me
help me
please help me
I'm shaking
why am I shaking?