She was an introvert once


But now


She talks a lot,
to distract people from looking at her face.

Breathing in your smoke is like heaven to me,
Clearing out my lungs of such anxiety.
Your crutch and your dependence,
An endearing call of resplendence,
I think I loved you.

You make me nervous.
To the point where my brain stops,
And my mouth keeps running
Without any indication of where
the finish line is.
Where I begin to speak too fast and too quick
To know what I’ve said, and quite possibly
For you to even follow each word that
Pours out.

Yet Your heart was longing for another,
You and I were not meant to be lovers,
And We were not made for each other.
Oh, how sad times swept away the positive possibilities and the “what if?” worries,
I thought I could only hate the month of August,
It seems I now despise of July.

Stress melted away within my tears as I wept,
Sadness left the residue of itself on my pillow where I slept.
The sun bleeding through my curtains closed,
And yet my room turns an ill ridden shade of yellow.

I thought the outcome would leave me with a feeling of euphoria
Instead I look to my mirrored self, reflecting a state of body dysmorphia

I do not like the way that I look,
Comparing myself to her and your feelings I mistook.
Straighter teeth and an older complexion,
While I hide away, she only craves the attention.
You only knew her for a day and you still went away,
With her on holiday to a place so far, I can’t stay
In this state of mind any longer.

Seeing her be the lighter to your cigarette;
The founding letters to the jumbled spaces in your alphabet.
I see I am only the ash that falls to the ground,
I am not within those letters which you finally found.

I’m being told to love myself,
But how can I when I wish to be anyone else.
How can I when nobody else wishes to love me,
But instead choose someone better, prettier despite no personality.

I break down all too often, as I stare at my reflection.
Wishing I looked different, praying that tomorrow I’ll look different.
I’m not sure if it was the month or if it was just a need to cry,
But nobody loves me, and neither do I.

My smile shows off teeth that aren’t fixed to perfection,
Sometimes in shop mirrors, I’ll glimpse the reflection.
It brings my mood down, way down below the surface,
And I wish that tomorrow; pray that tomorrow I will look different.

Natural beauty is not my friend,
Make-up won’t stay on my face,
There’s all too much I wish to change,
I’d rather just copy and paste.

In a room full of people,
I’d be last on your list,
She would be first and that’s just how it is.
I’ve come to accept it, yet still dying inside.
She wishes to flaunt and I’d rather hide.
I have little confidence whilst she seeps way too much,
But I guess that’s what you like and I guess that’s what you love.
So a reminder to myself, from present and from past,
To use in the future, your hurt never lasts.
Next time you are deeply hating yourself, and you can’t find the will to live,
Please read this back until it sticks in your head,
And you find the strength to forgive.
Forgive yourself for feeling this way, and know that it’ll pass,
Because your head is held high and within the sky,
You’ll see his face is shaped like an ***.

tinged blue and green,
chaotic and mysterious,
to think they would glance at me,
i would be delirious.

When you hold me
I forget to be insecure
About my size
About my numbers
About my body
I forget to worry
About my lumpy thighs
About my jiggly tummy
About my pudgy arms
You stroke each limb
And kiss every inch
As if none of it matters
As if you don't care
That I'm fat
You aren't afraid to touch
My cellulite
My bumps
My pudge
The things
Nobody else wanted
Nobody else would touch
Nobody else saw as desirable
You touch them
You hold them
You kiss them
You make love to them
You flat out love them
Because for some reason
You don't care

it’s scary because when they leave,
you don’t just lose them
you irrevocably lose a piece of yourself.

you become hollow and insecure,
and somehow, you blame yourself,
for loving to fiercely.