It has been long
Since I's last here
A lot has changed
Too much I fear

Once upon, then ago
Nothing but sorrow
Since that time before
Waiting for tomorrow

Concealed in me
Was locked away
Till the monster inside
Could come out to play

Dont believe for a moment
As if you know me
Look a little deeper
No longer cease to see

Write 1000 words
Each one a different sound
Meaning behind each and every
Sinking beneath the ground

Another paragraph
Yet another rhyme
Heart and soul empty
Reached the end of time

No sense to be made
You couldn't understand
Don't listen anymore
Adhere your *reprimand

Friends ain't **** but hell waiting to happen. And even tho you're gone, I'm doing just fine
You were like a chain wrapped around my throat
Tying me back to the places I hate most
And now that we're done
My mind can finally rest
No more kissing ***
I'm taking my life back

It seems so long ago
We were nothing but close
We never had a fight,
Cause we both hated our life
And now that I'm trapped between my dark and her light
You think I'm not good enough to keep in your life

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

But the time has come for us to say goodbye
You'll still be in my heart, if you're not by my side
6 years later
What have we become
Desensitized to life
Cause we're so ******* numb
From trying to escape
The same hell we came from

So *******, it's not your fault
**** me, what have I done
*******, for not giving a ****
And **** myself for giving up on this quick

So now he's got your back
Yeah you're doing just fine
But you cannot forget all the pain left behind
I know your secrets
I understand your past
I can tolerate your anger
And I saved your **** life
Well I guess you saved mine
A million times too
And I never would have guessed
I wouldn't be lost without you

But I'm dead, I'm ******* dead
I owed you my life but you gave it right back
and now that you left,
I'll just take it myself
Ending this fight
with my own ******* hand

****!
*******
(I'm so sorry)
**** me
(I didn't want this to end)
*******
But you don't even care
So I'm better off dead

When you looked at me last November,
I swear to God I saw the devil in your eyes
but I ignored him the way you ignored me for the next month
And that day I got into your pickup truck I thought your eyes grew pure
but you had me fooled and they were as menacing as ever.
I told you about the people who have hurt me and
the first time you ****** me you came too fast
and you were so embarrassed but I didn't care.
You got dressed too quickly and
the second time we did it you kept asking if I was okay,
if I needed you to go slower.
Eventually you had me bent over the sofa in your living room
screaming, "Oh my god"s and breathing into the cushions
and your phone kept ringing and ringing but we didn't care
And one time you bought me breakfast and
pulled two fold-able chairs from the bed of your truck
and we sat on them by a lake and talked about the universe
and I should have known God was warning me when my ankles got covered in ant bites and when I told you, all you did was put the chairs back in your truck
The first time we ever took a shower together you took time shampooing your hair and when it got in my eyes you laughed
I knew you were a fallen angel but holy **** if I could do it again,

**I would.

I thought humans learnt from their mistakes?
Perhaps I'm the exception to the rule?
One would think you'd learn not to put so much trust in others,
In the end.... They'll abuse it.

When my best friend turned around and stabbed me in the back,
Hacked into everything I knew, everything I owned and used it all as blackmail against me, I thought I knew how it felt to Hurt
To feel genuiene Anger towards someone.
I of course was wrong...

Now, couple years down the track, I put too much trust into someone I now know I should never have. He turned around and stabbed me in the back and broke me. I though I knew how it felt to be Crippled
To feel like everything inside me Shattered
Single handedly ruined me and my life, shattered my trust in people and when there was no one there to support me... I fell deeper into the abyss. I sought refuge and support from the people I still held trust and faith in
They too abused my trust in them and broke me further, By now my pieces are too small to fit back together.
A shattered mine and a crippled soul but...
Everyone has problems. Everyone is hurting right?
I shouldn't complain, shouldn't tell you my problems because they're not your problems and why would you want them?
That's absurd

No matter what I say anymore, it is with an ill will
No matter what I do anymore, it is with an ill will
No matter how I feel anymore... it carries with it an ill will...
I am nothing but what people tell me I am
I can't begin to list how others make me appear anymore than I can begin to list how I appear in the mirror...
There is no thinking positively
There is no "It gets better"

When you're me...
...Even the saddest of emotions turn to anger.

wanted you to see
your detrimental effects
wanted you to experience
the ways in which you were hurting me
wanted you to say, 'i'm sorry'
and mean it
wanted you to see
everything
that destroyed me

Today I had anxiety.
I tried to hide it away,
But you caught on quickly.
You allowed me to cry on you.
I rarely ask for help.
I'm sorry.

Today my dad had a seizure.
I didn't tell you about it.
I just wallowed alone.
You were having a good day.
I didn't want to ruin it.
You thought I was mad.
I'm sorry.

Today I acted strange.
I woke up feeling sad.
You couldn't cheer me up.
You thought you did something.
I sliced myself this morning.
I became ashamed and couldn't see you.
I'm sorry.

Today was a tornado of pain.
My grandpa is dying.
My grandma is getting better.
My dad is dying.
My brother is stuck and is suicidal.
His words were,
"You'll find my body hanging in that room".
I'm sorry.

I started at my box cutter.
Contemplating death.
Thinking of slicing my skin.
Bleeding out the pain and letting go.
Then he started crying.
I texted you.
I'm so sorry.
I regret it.

I told you my thoughts.
I cried my heart out.
You did your best to comfort me.
But then that time came.
You did what I knew you would.
"He" came home, so you gave up.
I couldn't reach you.
I was left alone.
I cried in the dark.
I'm sorry.

That scarf you gave me,
Would make a good noose.
I no longer exist or matter when he's around.
I'm another person with another problem.
I'm another burden just like I thought.
I'm just ruining your happiness.
That's what I do.
That's why I can't have a good friendship.
I can't be a good friend.
I can only destroy you.
I'm sorry.

You're all I have.
I'm sorry.

and just like that
i knew that i was never going to see you again