Long ago, I opened my heart.
I let someone in.
They didn't quite fit though.
So I paused, and then promptly expanded my chest,
Expanded my heart to fit in your love.
It didn't work out, but my heart was now too big to be shattered.
I was still so full of hope that I refused to let go.
I put a sign out that said:
“All welcome.”
And someone came in with sunshine and cheer, an enthusiasm I wasn't expecting.
And yet again, they couldn't fit.
So I expanded my heart once more.
Pushed out from the inside
To let them fully in.
But while I was under renovations, the doorway swung shut.
They were barred from the door.
There's only room for one in here and I haven't fully moved out the ants,
They crawl and creep and fester and weep.
So I pulled on my mask and pulled out the poison.
Ready to **** anything and everything in sight.
To destroy every crack and crevice, filling it with hate,
Ready to be done with the festering creatures.
But was disrupted by a little knock.
I suppose I never took the sign down.
The sun wasn't in sight and the former prospect was gone.
Only the silver rimmed clouds and it was starting to rain.
The fat heavy drops that drowned out the sorrow.
Made it feel a little cozy inside.
But standing there in the soft quiet rain.
A boy.
Waiting to see me.
Maybe he was always there.
Maybe he’ll never leave.
But I opened my door and stepped into the rain.
I dont think I’ve ever felt soft drops on my skin,
Don't think I’ve ever felt something so real, something so fresh.
And it didn't matter that the sun was gone because a light shone from your heart so bright.
Too bright.
Too good.
I should've known it was all a lie.
A web waiting to catch those innocent flies.
But I will never complain, for the ants moved out the day that you knocked.
Maybe they knew the rule about one.
They shuffled out the door single file.
And yet when I went out to invite you out of the rain,
When I stood aside to let you come in,
You pulled away.
Only ever so slightly, a miniscule flinch.
You peered round and called it beautiful.
You made my little heart feel ever so special.
But it wasn't special enough.
And so the boy in the rain chose the rain over me.
Sometimes I hear him calling my name.
I don't know if it's him or only a shadow,
But it lights my heart with a small fire, and fills it with a stifling heat.
It feels like a way of drawing me out.
Into the rain.
To let it slide down my cheek.
Fall over my brows and into my eyes, then down to my lips.
Occasionally I step outside, just to see.
If any of it is real.
And there seems to be a melody that whispers on these nights.
A soft little tune.
And the rain turns to you, and then,
It's you sliding a finger down my cheek.
Pressing my shirt to my chest.
Running your hands through my hair.
I’ve never felt so alive.
But then, almost as fast,
I twirl around and you're gone.
In a small little flash.
So I run to my heart and throw open the windows and doors,
In case you decide to stop by.
And dance a little as lightning flashes by.
To my own little tune that I invented just for you.
But soon, the rain stopped, and there was still no sun.
Just endless grey clouds threatening to come in.
So I put my heart on display and now people walk by, and occasionally pop in for a second or two.
To look around the massive shell I have in my chest.
Some press their ears to it to see if they can hear the ocean.
They don't know that the only echo of water around,
Is the dried tears that I spilt, all over the ground.
I suppose the clouds eventually got in,
But the shadow of the downpour never quite left enough room for two.
People stand and wave a safe distance away, and maybe the blanket of clouds is a blessing, and a cover from the sun.
And maybe the sun was forever waiting behind a blanket of grey.
Maybe I was only waiting till night when I could pull back the clouds and reclaim the sky.
Decorate it with fully formed constellations. Maybe I was destined to find shapes and meaning when there was none.
And maybe that is why I could never let it be night.
But it cannot always be day.
And as times turn,
my heart starts to feel awfully hollow,
And my head is full to bursting.
Praying on repeat,
For the rain to come again.
But forevermore, my heart shall be ruled by the final ant that won't leave, and the shadow of a boy who never intended to stay.
