It seems like yesterday except, it is today.
A voice” Level one trauma, 10 patients.”
The smell of dust, exhaust and sweat,
   excitement and fear, controlled chaos,
   medics, mangled men, women, the innocent.
Arrive broken, mended, gone, arrive again.
   an inexhaustible stream; blood out, blood in.
Shredded uniforms, soiled bandages, a lost crucifix,
   syringes, a family photo, severed legs, and arms,
   plastic tubing, piled up, collected, discarded, burned.
Some familiar faces, mostly nameless faces,
   friends and enemies, loved ones and strangers,
   cities, towns, suburbs, villages, tent, and field.
Sadness and anger, pride and confidence,
   hopes and dreams, illusions and truth.
Beginning and ending, never ceasing.
I will rest soon, but not too soon.
   heading for my final rest,
   one day.

She was 13 years old the first time.
A mix of tequila and pain killers.
Laying on her bed, she did not know what to do.
Made a mistake.
Her brother tries to stick his finger down her throat in hope she wouldnt die.
Police said it was "teenage angst" a "typical teenage girl"
She refused to speak to them because they didnt understand.
"stupid girl." her mother says.
Goes to therapy and gets diagnosed.
But her mother doesn't think the diagnoses is real.
"You want some fries?"
18 years old the second time.
Roommate found her unconscious, brought to hospital.
Roommate is crying.
She felt so guilty.
Gets sent to Hell with people who all tried to **** themselves.
Gets jokes about her anorexia.
"You eat barely anything, no wonder you're so skinny!"
5 days of playing chess and daytime napping.
Can't go back to school.
3rd time it was winter. 19 years old.
Extremely cold. Probably 20 degrees.
She went out running, hoping she'd get hit by a car.
Cars are really good at stopping for pedestrians.
Spent 2 hours trying to **** herself.
She cried when it didn't work.
Went and banged on a facilities door at 12am.
Screaming help,
because now she's just tired.

You were never
there. The gentle
hum of sugar.

On the tables
are magazines
but they’re blind in
the dark. White coats
and expensive
ties in and out.

You were never
there. The last gasp
unheard before
the vanishing
tone. Wrinkles.



-
by Aleksander Mielnikow (Alek the Poet)

The sad couple in the corner
The girl over there all alone
The crying babe being shushed

Their all so sad, it's eerie

Visiting my grandfather in the hospital

     started out as an innocent trip.
     He only needs to stay a few days, they said
     but then it all went downhill.

     I soon learned that I was the light.
     I was to bring joy into the dreary room,
     despite breaking apart on the inside.

Visiting my grandfather in the hospital

     meant crying before entering his room.
     It meant wiping my tears and throwing on a smile:
     a smile that would calm everyone’s nerves.

     It bonded us beyond any other relationship.
     Your hugs are the best medicine, my grandfather said,
     and I never again came or left without an embrace.

Visiting my grandfather in the hospital

     became almost a daily routine.
     I did everything I could to make him smile
     only to drive home in tears.

     Never once telling a soul
     what I was going through,
     bearing it all on my own.

               Visiting my grandfather in the hospital
               may have seemed hard at the time,
               but laying him down to rest
               was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Opposite my apartment is a masjid and adjacent  to it is a hospital,
My home is where I live my life,
The hospital is where due to my sickness I pay and wash my sins,
The masjid is where I go to repent and collect good deeds needed for my hereafter.
23/4/2019

This chair does not get any older
sitting here, it dents with old emotions
no longer still but a swelling embrace
a cushion to my exhaustion
it becomes weary in wait
holding me like my legs can do no more
it resembles your hair in a way
choppy brown and representing age
sometimes I wonder if this chair will
become brand new again
like a new random chance
of good luck that I wish your body
could sustain whilst gazing at you
pondering if you can feel my passive stare

Perhaps it would have been better
to lay with you on your bed
making it a little less lonely
being provided with your warmth
compared to this thin blanket
it was another reminder of how
I cannot feel your body heat against mine
your bed dips a bit more every day
showing your weight, may be a little deeper
though it sings me good night
while squirming in your presence and
the fact this chair is becoming quite uncomfortable

I wonder if I will ever get off it again
waiting for your eyes to peer at me again,
again, to tell me that your leaving now
and the coldness really will settle in