father awakened

beckoned by bathroom in night

his death approaching like headlights in

rear-view

in cars he careened into cornfields so

long ago

in women he obsessed over

poured over while rolling tea

in records he flips through

languidly

suffering alone, retracting into song

crucifix still hung over his jaded bedpost

lotion still sits on by his bed

where he lay debased and tempted

by nothing

while his house breaths fissures

and crumbles

where his legacy sits truncated and dusted

in books of song

carpet collecting impressionistic stains

stove top counting days with soot

medicine cabinet reminds of his frivolous

youth

when he was foolish and paid bills

before he was afraid to climb his creaking

stairs

before he delivered flowers to the funeral

home

before the acetaminophen ate his soul

I heard it once, spoken, in a hushed tone-
Was I awake to hear these words?
Was i in company or was i alone,
To listen to these words in that hushed tone?

"Do not go silently into the night"

Those words ate into an innocuous soul -
From the time I was young, to the time i was old
Those words lingered with a tenacious hold

I misspent time and felt so much pain
Life felt less the blessing and more a bane
I trudged endless lonely roads
And witnessed relations form and corrode

I existed to exist - obligated to survive
No star of any story, no one to thrive
I was the one who was seen yet unseen
Just another cog functioning in a machine

My words were heard but never heard
My future as futile as my spoken word
Silence fell upon healthy ears
Silence - the one thing we all fear

have the courage to do what must be done
to fix all that is broken and know when to run
and we will-
run through the fields away from it all
hold hands as the seasons change into fall
and they will-
transform us from youth to old and grey
despite wrinkles of autumn, together we'll stay

I want to become a diver
like the scuba guys in the Thai cave
risking death to save life,
going deeper into convoluted passages
of darkness to pull life from it.

I want to become a heart surgeon
transplanting energizing mitochondria
into babies’ dying hearts
to revive and save damaged cells.
Oh to receive from the gods of creativity
an infusion of fresh energy
into this old body
and renew flagging cells
with a flowering fragrance
as sweet and unique as Plumeria!

May this diving deeper
be as fruitful now as it has been
in the decisive moments
I was able to conquer pride and self
to reach out to others
whose spirits had frowns
whose life energy was down.

I know: thinking, reading and writing
are not quite enough to reach and taste
the fruits of angels.
Like the classic tension
between “faith and works”
“deeper” means a marriage
of information and application
to get transformation.

And so these moments of writing poems
and diving deeper, rising higher
for the creative spirit
are not divorced
from kindness and reaching out
in friendship, intimacy, and love,
from taking time and spending energy
beyond these meditative walls
embracing life where it calls.

I am a diver and a surgeon
a spark striker, a flame keeper
always desiring
to move
deeper, deeper, deeper.

Patience is a virtue, she said with a smug smile.
Time holds a tight grip but only for awhile.

For if I can out wait time, all of life can be mine.
Waiting is easy when you can wrinkle your life line.

Past, present, and future have become only words to me...

For you see,
I only exist in the now.
I have learned to be free.

Free of the regret that comes with the past.
Free of the worry that comes with the future.

Waiting can become all we do,
But if you learn to love waiting...
All of life is open to you.

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!
Big, Biggest Love,
        Jeff Gaines

Same old bed
Same old mess
Same old self,
same old, same old
...

Different time
Different expectation
Different people
Different connection
...

Trapped in the possessed power of the passed
memories
Those, who never asked
to

Different world
Different place
Unfamiliar stuff

Ahead of time
Out of rhyme
No one to blame

Aging on,
Here's your stick to find your path
in the dark
Shuffle on,
travel on
...