You probably stood outside the door at CAMHS on rainy days
Bought 2 for 1 cookie deals at Morrison’s
You probably slotted your crap Sony earphones in on your way down
And looked down at the docs on your feet

There was a pulse in your wrist and under your chin
Evidence that your heart was beating
Your nerves were sending messages around the paths
Move your muscles, blink your eyes

You were a miracle just like everyone else
Hair tickling and chest rising and falling and fingers tapping
And nose sniffing and knees knocking and nails scratching
Living, breathing
Alive, alive
Until you weren’t.

It was a Monday
Late afternoon
It was a grey day
Or perhaps it was sunny

It's been a while now
Three whole years
It's no time at all
How very funny

I remember your smile
How did it look?
You were older than me
Am I older than you?

I've become different
Much the same
Still trying to realise
You're not here too?

Four, five o'clock
Suddenly - bam
You're no longer real
Neither am I

Living in a daze
Lights too bright
Fall through the clouds
Now wave goodbye

Looping and looping
A single day-dream
She’s trapped in between
The light where she cried

She eats the same cereal
Every single morning
Not a single morning
Since the day she died

I keep on walking
Staggering on the roads
I keep on the go
Leaving her behind

She likes the same bands
She wears the same clothes
The same thing she loathes
Since the day she died

This age is temporary
Changes every month
Another status done
Another band new sight

Stuck in a phase of life
She can’t advance at all
Stuck at a single fall
Since the day she died.

one year, my love.
365 days without you.
my heart is dark today.
i miss your smile.
i miss seeing you everyday.
my baby boy, my best friend, my sun,
my moon,
my everything.
i keep clenching my teeth to keep sobs silent,
it's been like this for a year now.
i can still hear your laugh sometimes.
i swear i see you in a crowd of people sometimes.
i need you to hold me again,
to tell me i did well.
but you can't,
so i'll tell you.
my heart is forever yours.
these breaths i take are yours.
we'll see each other one day again,

december first and i'm reminded in a few weeks,
it'll be three years since you left.
there's been a part of me missing since you've been gone that i've tried to replace with other things.
these things have been other people or substances that made me feel like you were still here and like i felt before it all happened.
but three years,
time has gone by so fast yet i know i'll have to wait more until
i see you again.

They were all looking at the bubbles then it popped.

“Argh! My eyes! Ma!”

“I told you, you’re not supposed to stare at the bubbles when it floats right on your eyes”
“But it’s beautiful and I see the mini-rainbows while it wobbles in the sky.”
The mother and the child went staring at the bubbles floating as they fly above the orange skies.
He blew another, carefully - eyes shining with excitement.
“Look, Mom! This one is bigger! I blew it slower than the other, this one will not pop.”

The cold wind blew with the ruffling of the grass as if clapping.
The bubble wobbled and wobbled on the orange sky
Passed by the resting sun, magnifying its beauty, it glittered.
The boy’s eyes shimmered in excitement.

Pop!

“Not again!” the boy sighed in exasperation.”
He asked, “Where do bubbles go when they pop?”
She looked at him intently.
She smiled, “they become the clouds, like tiny bubbles watching over us.”
“Why would they watch over us?”

“For in time, they will know that the sun will burn our skin, then they will come as rain.”

“Well, let me make more bubbles, so we can play with You in the rain.”


Don’t Forget the Bubbles

I take comfort in the reality that my days are numbered
And if I keep doing good deeds and avoiding evil I’ll wake up in a Paradise so beautiful where this life will simply just had been a bad dream
Ya Allah, I’m ready.

i have a tim burton tree
growing inside of me
i nourish it with the cacophony of the mind
that relentlessly
speaks to me about my inadequacy

the stronger the tree the weaker i feel
no will power left to undo the theft
the black branches have committed
they were found guilty
of hijacking my presence
my higher self, my essence

the real me retreated
without putting up a fight
was it because it knew
i was not even worth the try
alone in the dark, i looked for the light
but still, cannot even find a spark

nothing else to do
but to water the plant
and the hope
that maybe one day i’ll understand
what could, should, or might be
without this darkness taking over me

I never knew him to do wrong.
He left me here last Saturday week;
I never saw him again.
A terrible shock.
God was cruel to me.
Words cannot express... my heart is torn.
I have the others.
God spare them to me.
He was the loveliest of all.

My heart breaks day in and day out;
I am just now living for when...

He took a pain,
In the head;
He went to the hospital.
We don't know
What happened -
They didn't,
Until they got the blood test back,
From Dublin.

The next day the baby was born.
At twelve o'clock  there was a crowd,
Neighbours waiting on the news.

They did all in their power.

He was dying.
Words that will ring in my ears...

It was the saddest... most respected
Funeral,
The teachers and children formed
A Guard;
A hundred met him at the Creamery Cross;
Carried the little coffin up the steps
And into the chapel.
Six school pals carried him,
From the chapel,
And left him to rest.

He'll never go off this earth
Without first coming to see me
(Mary, at two o'clock in the morning he came up the hall,
And rapped on the room door)
I do hope and pray
I'm not keeping him
From Heaven.

I wanted to write you to give you a surprise...
It was little thought it would be this sad news.

The baby... is the image of him.

My heart is torn.
I  could be washed in tears.