Meditation, meditation
Meant to be healthy vibration,
Diving deep into the now
Losing every form somehow.
Feeling guilty
I neglected
My long meditations.
Feeling overwhelmed
Many tasks
In my head.
I am now avoiding
My own self-
Confronting.
Wanting peace
Still.
To know how I feel.
I am myself but
Ugly.
And maybe that's
Why I feel sick.
Sick of playing some role
To everyone around me.
"You're so beautiful, nice."
"You're an angel", they say.
But they don't know that I
Struggle every day.
I should be so grateful
For my physical health.
So thanks.
But I am disappointed
By having panic attacks.
Breathing gets very shallow,
Sometimes I lose control,
In my mind many thoughts,
I feel lost and alone.
Hundreds pieces
Are called Me.
But who manages it all?
Sometimes I want to hide
In a warm dark safe place
Where nobody sees me
And I don't need to be
Anyone.
I don't need to play
Any role.
I can call this place
My home.
I can feel whole
On my own.
Where I hold myself
When I am worried.
And I tell myself
Different stories.
Where I truly believe
In love.
Where I feel
As though I was enough.
Finding my way back into meditation. My center can provide me with this warmth that I am seeking. But of course we also need other people around and to be authentic with them.
