A tight, hot knot
strangles my insides
Constricting my chest
crushing my heart
until it shatters...

"Not good enough"

Such thought, accursed!
A loop of torment
Placed by the devil
Inside my head.

When will this self-flagellation
come to a halt?

I'm looking at myself in the mirror;
Just staring at myself with curiosity.
Realizing how good enough I am at what I do.
Then thoughts keep coming to my mind;
"I'm actually not useless."
"I'm amazing."
"I'm a great person."
"I'm passionate to what I do."
"I'm good enough."
"I'm worthy."
"I'm not perfect, but I'm thankful to myself."

What does it mean to be enough?
To have the right stuff?
To look good and feel tough?
Am I weak or am I strong?
Does anyone long to be with me?
Stick with me?
What's wrong with me?
Who do I belong with then?
Do I belong with them?
Are they the right ones for me?
When do I get to write my story?
Can I right my wrongs?
Do I have to write some songs?
Belt out at the top of my lungs?
Are my skills dung, like doo doo?
Am I just **** at what I do?
Is it true what they say?
Am I always blue or am I yellow?
Are we all racist or just prejudice?
Can I be a soldier and a pacifist?
Can I be selfish and an altruist?
Is there a list of things I can't be?
Well, I can tell you,
There's a lot that you can't see.
Some days, it's hard to breathe;
I don't wanna eat,
I just wanna grind my teeth;
I wanna find some meaning;
Hold a meeting with friends...
Oh, wait... what friends?
Am I in the right section?
Do I have enough connections?
Am I enough?
Enough with the questions.

your pride tries to optimize
my persona, to suit your needs,
and if it doesn't, you criticize...
Yet, you're good enough...

your prejudice makes you
suspect even my good deeds,
and you demean me for them too....
Yet, you're good enough...

your control freakiness
makes you restrict me
even if i act right...
Yet, you're good enough...

your self centeredness
wants me to fit in the standards,
you define and ever-changing ...
Yet, you're good enough...

the veil of your hatred
doesn't let you see
my love and concern for you...
Yet, you're good enough...

~
Would that the words would
come easily to me.
For me to be able to express
myself, to be a strong and proud
and confident bard...

Would that I could feel more
secure in the power of my ink
to not feel dread or shame or
depressed for now keeping
my ink flowing upon the
canvas...

Would that my soul would fall
into the arms of the true moon
that sees my soul...
I know that I am flawed.
I fear that one day my mistakes,
my past will catch up and drag
me down into a hell where others
loathe me...

And while my wounds are fresh
the ghosts that I have locked
behind the doors, the ones that
one time that I had loved and
let go for my own stability will
rise...

I can admit my faults,
but it hurts when my mind leaves
me floating in a dark sea; calm
with no light, no shore, no soul
in sight...

Would that I can believe
that indeed

I am good enough...
~