i miss what we had
even though
our time
was short

i miss your face
and how much
i liked it

i miss your voice
i could listen to you forever

i miss the way
you didn't judge me
for my truth and my past

i miss your
something you didn't
share with others

i miss the idea
that we might've
been something

you probably don't
miss me
or wonder where i am

my heart isn't that cold
i still think of you

if you had let me
i think i would've
fallen hard and fast

i don't miss
how you said goodbye
through a text

i don't miss
how you said we would speak
and we never did

i don't miss that you ignored
and rejected me

i don't miss that you and i
are actually nothing alike
despite at the time how much i
thought we were

because unlike you
i don't walk away from
the lovely
and the promising

i stay until if it'll
ever end

you took that from me

and i don't miss that at all
astro eyes Mar 9
i treat people as they treat me

yet lately i have realized

that i do not do this


in fact i treat others
with much more respect

then they have ever given to me

if they were to fall
you could bet i would
be there to pick them up
tend to their wounds
heal their broken hearts
wipe away their salty tears

but for me?
rarely has anyone ever
been there in hard times
and stayed for the after party

or let me cry
while they hold me close
and not expect sex
to follow

or keep me around
because i boost their ego
with all my compliments
and sweet nothings
i whisper into texts
that i send just because

where men i dated
come and go like the wind
"oh no she has emotions!"
i've cried more over heartache
than of joy
in relationships with the opposite sex

i'm 27 and yet my social resume
is that of a 16 year old

my closest friendship
dissolved into nothingness
only 2 weeks ago
my heart completely shaken
to its core
my heart utterly broken
into more pieces than its ever been

but when i look back now
from this side of the window
i look in and see how
in love i was with her
and how not so in love
she was with me

and with this
i look to my other friendships
hoping someone will hold out their hand
and pull me close
and whisper soothing words
and let me cry the hardest i ever have
to accept me in this shattering
heart wrenching moment

to find that not one

things i wouldn't ever question
to do
for them

so i take back
my love

and absorb it back
into me
where it belongs
and where it is
and adored

i am a lover
my heart lives on my sleeve
i bare my soul to find
a person who can also
do the same
and not flinch
at the sight of a
passionately emotional
human being
who isn't numb
or afraid
to feel
astro eyes Mar 8
i am the type
to feel
a rainbow of
in one day

you will meet me
with a smile
infectious laughter
and leave me
in tears
and ruins

i sing to soothe
my battle wounds
from the war i wage
with the world
where the people in it
blown into my life
abandon me
and run away
with someone else
into the sunset

how could this be?

im hard to love
i require too much attention
too much support
i am too loud
and i laugh too much


despite the hell i went through
my heart is open
and full of love

and yet
even so
i am alone
and my friends
do not care
that i would drown myself

(i told them this)

to get away from the pain
the truth
that no one would come running
to pull me from the water
and breathe life
back into my small frame

my heart is broken
astro eyes Mar 3
just put your head under
she said
slowly let yourself
into the stillness
no waves
only stillness

sitting nicely at your neck
covering your naked body
the last place you
will lay to rest

stare at the wall
your mind whirling
thousands of thoughts
yet only one is full
of colour and attention

just put your head under
she said
make your way into
the clear ocean
that is your bath
the host
to your last bed

may you slip
and let the water
fill you up
take over your small body
gradually overpowering
your will
to breathe
your breath the last
that you are still alive

your body is
your anchor
the water accepting
you as if you were always
linked to it
a chain

this last chain breaks
snaps at this weakness
you are feeling
all over
you gasp
but only to allow
the bath
to entrap you
within its walls
envelop you
and seal you in

just put your head under
she said
let the suffering sink into blackness
gobble you whole
like a monster from your dreams

you vanish without a trace

all you wanted was to feel loved
for exactly as you are
and yet even for this world
this was too much to ask for
astro eyes Feb 25
false love
is feelings
through phone screens
is a grave
only dug low
into the ground
of the walls
you put up
to avoid pain
yet you're keeping
it inside
to rot

false love
is expecting the world
to shower you with
light to beam from their
eyes when they gaze your way
that you are everything

false love
is parents who
hold you but slap you
who curse you but
"its because I love you"
who beat you until your
body and brain are blue
until you believe
you're unlovable
and an abomination
the power of their words
and actions
now you own
as your own
what they taught you
you express within you
and onto others

false love
is a human being
who can hold you
touch you
be inside you
make you feel bliss upon bliss
and watch you walk away
without batting an eyelid
who can wrap you in their arms
and think of someone else
who will look past you
and not at you
who feel nothing
yet tells you nothing of this

false love
is friends
who are only there
for parties
where the booze is flowing
where it eventually flows back
out from their mouths
leaving you to clean their mess
when you ask for help
they say they're too busy
sucking your resources
until you are empty
until they are full
to siphon from the next
and the next
what they will never understand
is their hearts are hollow
and always will be

false love
is believing love
comes from others
loving yourself
is selfish
validation and appreciation
must be from them
and not you
hop from one to the other
hoping they can fill your cup
and smother you with
the beauty that is
astro eyes Feb 21
i wish
you were
still around
so i
could share
my words
and make
you melt.
astro eyes Feb 19
since losing you
i have written my best work

losing you has
tossed words my way
hard and fast
pouring out
from the jug
that is my brain

losing you has
shown me i matter
no man needed
for my worth to be worthy

losing you hurt
and i mourned
while drunk on wine
but i am stronger
for it

losing you
still stings

losing you
made me bitter
hatred for love
the bitter taste
of loss
a swarm of bees
a hive
stinging at my soft, freckled skin

you liked my freckles

losing you made music
i listen to it differently
flowers bloom
with every word i sing

losing you bared my soul
open wounds everywhere
my friends
picking up my body
carrying me to safety

losing you
taught me tears for boys
are temporary
that love from within
is forever

losing you
still stings

losing you
showed me the kind of
gorgeous person i am
and without you
or him or them
i will remain to be
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