I don't have to love you,
give my heart to you;
live or die for you.

I don't have to feel for you,
take care of you,
be your mother for you.

I don't have to be a "lady" for you;
wash my hair for you,
dress up nice for you.

I don't have to be anything I'm not for you;
be an illusion for you,
fulfill any fantasies for you.

Who the **** said I have to?

As long as it takes to count all the stars

In my own space
In my own time
I turn the Wifi on and suddenly...
The world bursts into my face
Fashion! Weddings! Crime!
Could you not?
The door opens and suddenly...
"Do you like my new pants?
What are you doing?
Can I watch you?"
Could you ******* not?
My phone vibrates violently
Message after message
"Y r U ignring me"
"Answr me"
"wanna chat?"
Could you just  not?
Vibrate
Vibrate
Vibrate
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvv­vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Harass me why don't you
Un-friend me while you're at it
Block me for all I care
Just please,
**COULD YOU ******* NOT!

i just cant today.
I'm not feeling anything,
from getting dressed
to taking a shower,
to getting in my car and going to work.
I just don't want to get out of bed,
i'd prefer to stay to myself and thoughts today.
Why can't depression be a good reason to not go to work?
I don't want to force a smile today,
I don't have the energy.
I tried to smoke some **** to clear my mind,
but that honestly made me think more in depth,
which didn't help.
Maybe alcohol will help?
(i can't go to work drunk though)
ugh, i just need your love, i need your attention,
i need a big ******* hug.

I was not allowed to be angry, so I bottled and drank
my rage with wine chilled by too many ice cubes--
I suppose that’s why I shiver at inappropriate times.

My parents said: You have to be the better person.
Even as you ***** those girls, called my sister a liar,
mocked my mother and father as they drove to town,

attempted to arrest me for “demeaning of character.”
But I lost my temper, once, I felt it hot like nausea
creeping all the way to my fingertips before I

screamed and shouted and shattered two glass bulbs
hard against the tallest pine tree in our backyard.
I cut my ******* picking up all the chips,

incidentally making me rethink my plan to punch you.
Instead, I imagined myself holding my father’s pistol,
the one he showed me how to shoot from 100ft,

complete with target acquisition training--just in case
you tried running--we both know you never
took me seriously enough for that. I bought a faceless

target shaped like a man, picturing your acne-skinned
cheeks warped with that smirk you wore when I tried
telling you to *******. All this before my anger faded,

fog rising from too-hot blacktop pavement when the air
cooled, snowflakes falling as I stuck my tongue out,
swallowing each crystal like a word I could have said.

My nights may physically be dark as well as mentally.
But in the day,
when everything is supposed to be a gift with many colors and feelings
it just feels dull.
like it's still night .
I can't see any beauty or love.
I can only see hatred,
the feelings of anger towards everyone.
I hope that I become lost.
so I can no longer feel anything.
I want to be lost in a haze of colorful smoke. forever.