shaking frustrations, heart aching situations,
she breaks her fingers in a brick wall confrontation
red/black/orange/purple seep from the opaque -
white knuckles, squeezing tight
she rips the papers, shreds she dreads
broken frames, abandoned - afraid,
the expectations, sit heavy - break her neck
her head hangs
fists and wrists - left -
contorted.

Would it be better
If I screamed and cried?
Would it be better
If I tried to die?
Would that be right?

I don't know
What it is you want
"I want what's best for you"
I don't know what I want

Have I told you I might want
To join the military
I'm not sure what division
But I want to fight on my countries side

But when the law was passed
You, with relief, comically said
Guess you can't run off and join
The military

It was one of the
First times you actually
Liked me for being a boy

You are not accepting
No matter what you say
You deal with me
And care only when necessary
You don't want to lose me
So you attempt to accept me
But you do not truly care for me

I worry what you would think
If I told you I
Dont believe in a god
Or a heaven
Or a hell
I have a more Buddhist type of beliefs

I haven't believed in a god
For awhile now
But I haven't told you
Because it doesn't matter
I don't see why it should affect us
The same way
Me being your son
Should affect
Our relationship

You need therapy
You can't fix yourself
You can't fix your anger
Or your hatred
Because it's stemmed from somewhere
So deep inside of you
That you can't remove it
You've let it grow for so long
That you need help to
Uproot it

This has turned into a rant
But I don't feel bad about that
Because you never let me get
A single word in
I deserve someone on my side
Dad has said
If it comes down to it
He would pick you over us
Because he can lose us
But not you

So no matter what you say
In a conversation
He is always 100% on your side
He will never be on mine
Not even a little bit
Because you are who matters to him
I do not
And I wonder
Do you refuse
To have a mediator
Because then you might lose

Either way you lose
You lose an argument
And make a compromise
Or you lose me
And that's it you dont get a compromise
You wouldn't deserve one

15 | 31 Poems for August 2016

Days gradually getting longer while circles keep growing smaller.
I’m alone in this crowded city but I know that it’s only temporary.
Time is wasted, I guess the clock had too much to drink last night.
Began treating society like varsity, I started not to care if I was accepted.
Dreams I once promised myself to pursue are now forgotten and neglected.
Even if things don’t always go my way, I just hope that everything will be okay.
Sometimes I feel closer to my dreams but then I wake up and realise that it was all in my sleep.
According to my frame of reference, dreams delayed may always feel like dreams denied.
Now I have to put on hold stories about success that urgently need to be told.
Too many times the world has made me feel like an abandoned church, but in your eyes I’ll always be a cathedral.

My confidence levels are getting lower and lower; I can feel it in my sleep.
I’m slowly progressing but progressing nonetheless but I still feel like I’m disappointing myself.
I’m doing my utmost best, the worst thing you could do is compare me to someone else.
I’m still holding on no matter how bad it gets; it hurts but I try my best not to let my frustrations show.
I can’t carry on like this though, eventually I’ll have to let everything go.
Eventually I’ll have to let go and forget everything I ever wanted to be.
Days gradually getting longer while impatient frustrations get the best of me.

"I used to write poetry,
poetry about you,
but now not even poetry can express what I feel,
because your words hit me like a warm wind on a cold autumn morning,
and your smile can brighten the darkest of days,
and your laugh.. oh your laugh is so contagious its all I hear in my dreams.
but what makes it hard to write, is the possibility that this is all in my head.
After months of talking everyday there are still moments when I begin to wonder if this is worth my time at all.
Because your interest in me sometimes decreases at the times when I need you the most.
and your life all of the sudden gets too hectic to reply to a simple question.
But just as fast as the feelings begin to fade, they return along with you.
Which makes this all even more confusing.
So yes,
I used to write poetry,
poetry about you,
But now not even poetry can express what I feel."