As I walk to meet you, the flashbacks set in...
          Of running to greet you out in the rain,
          Of two am phone calls that erased the pain...
          I remember whispering I love you.

With your strong hold, embrace me; keep me close.
          *I recall the first time I felt safe with you...

careful, you might trip!
the roads are rocky and a little mean,
though for this clumsy ball of sunshine,
tripping is nothing but a routine.

your peers tap on shoulders to call;
"little baby, go outside and play,"
mom will plant kisses on your forehead
and tell you to be careful on your way.

puddles after showers; splitter splatter!
wipe your legs clean under blue roof;
tall people and words that taste foreign,
the tip to hold another hand home is a little goof.

I know day by day
another memory fades
However, some of them won't fade
It would definitely take
more than reincarnation to break
They're too great
I've dedicated times of the day
for heart racing meditation
So they'll glimmer on replay

Now that my mind's straight
I still can't contemplate
the words to say
Even if said in a perfect way
may not deserve a place
back in contention
to earn your grace

I already know, it's no joke
to let boat loads of hope float
without anyone knowing
so no emotions expose
It's hard to throw in a towel
when I'm holding a rope
Flicking through old pictures
on a brand new phone
Just to regain that feeling
The feeling of home

i was lying on the floor
staring up at the ceiling
the laughter from my family
floating towards me
i should have been there
part of that
for once everyone was there
except for me
because i'm never there,
and in that moment
on the floor
with distant sounds of my family
i thought about dying
clarification.
i thought about killing myself
it hit me like a wave
almost coming out of nowhere
reminding me of the problems i have
haunting my every move.
but i got up,
cleaned up,
and walked out of my room
trying to act like a tsunami hadn't come
destroying everything
yet again

Remember last New Years Eve?

We had plans to go to my aunts house,
then last minute you decided that you didn't want to go. You decided that you wanted to throw a party, not at our apartment, but at your fathers house. I thought this was strange, but I agreed to ditch out on my family, for you. You left early to prepare for this party; told me to meet you there later, but when I showed up at your door, you turned me away. I was dumb founded. You told me that it just wasn't the kind of party that I'd be into. What does that even mean? I should specify though, you didn't actually answer the door && tell me to leave. You were never man enough for such a thing. You texted me. I was standing outside of your door, && you texted me && told me to leave. So I did. What was I supposed to do at that point, beg to be let into a place where I was clearly unwelcome? I walked back to my car, in my sequined party dress. I drove back to our apartment. We had one of those text fights we always had; the kind where I asked you why you had done something unkind to me, && you flipped it so that by the end of the conversation I was apologizing to you && begging for forgiveness. I sat there in the dark, in the apartment, for the remainder of the night. I cried myself to sleep.

Fast forward to this year. You have the audacity to contact me, asking if I miss you. What I miss is the person I was before I knew the likes of you.

Here's to a new year, untainted by your touch.