(i'm 42% sure
i don't exist.)

intensely greased
plastic hair
secondhand green day
coldplay in the rain

i love the sound
that waxed paper
deli sheets make
and i could choke
on a glassed reflection
of celery salts and windex.

(i'm 42% sure
i don't exist
because when i look into
my eyes i see someone else)

i'm not catholic
and do not
understand who
st. peter is

but i wonder if he won't let
us into heaven because we're
failures or if we're failures
because he won't let us into heaven

(i'm 42% sure
i don't exist
and questioning how
bad hell can really be.)

too quiet for a saturday
i wrote the word
decaf so many times i
forgot how to spell it

decaf
decaf
decaf
decaf

(does decaf
have two f's?
because i don't have
two f's to give anymore
i mean i would but
i can't even find
vowels much less
extra consonants)

when i was a child
i always counted in
mississippis
now that i'm older i
find myself counting in
cappuccinos

i dreamed my
legs were bleeding
and i remembered
that they're not

i want so badly
just to sleep in
a bag of crystallized
ginger and swim
in a mixing bowl of
tasteless tea.

(i can't tell what's
real anymore
but i'm 42%
sure that i am not.)

what do you do when you're uninspired?
when life feels like a pale instagram filter - a worn out memory.
when it tastes like a bread slice that's been toasted for too long.
when your soul doesn't catch fire anymore.
when excitement becomes an alien emotion that belongs to another space and time or just someone else.
when inspiration's at your doorstep but you can't hear the doorbell because you're too busy searching for it among the ashes of your cigarette.
what can you do when your body's a living coffin for your dead soul?

You pretend, you pretend, you pretend.
Until the clock wears out & it's finally Game Over.

Sleepless, lost and wandering
Wondering what it all means
Beg the heavens for an answer
But silence is the only response from an overcast sky
The chain slackens and the cage drops
Cerebral bars block the paths of elated reflection
Contentment occasionally slips through the clefts
But is instantly devoured by sharks of agony
Grief, heartache, passion and sorrow
The artists toolbox
Blood, sweat and tears (fears)
Causation of our desire to die
Is what gives our work life

I'm blown away by the serendipity of life and death.
You know when you get some ink on your skin
In memoriam of someone whose last breath
Was taken by the reaper; your barriers got broken-
Where am I going with this again?

I'm amazed by how the light circles the dark in intricate patterns
Like the way our eyes capture spectrums,
That the rest of the world can't even fathom.
I'm trying to express the way the universe comes together,
In alignment to where it's supposed to be.
Before chaos ensues and the ends fray and we lose grasp of the tethers
Holding us together.

15 minutes felt like 6 months
Do you know that?
Laying on bed, dark room
Sound of music from the radio
Rainy weather, dry throat
Huge sweater, fetal position
15 minutes felt like 6 months
Do you know that?
Don't know what to do
Don't know what to say
Don't know what to find
Looking forward to nothing
15 minutes felt like 6 months
Simple sky in my head
No sun, just clouds
Will rain, will rain
No sunshine, no sunshine
Heart beats last lifetime
No complex thoughts of tomorrow
Just teardrops of yesterday
15 minutes felt like 6 months
Do you know that?
Don't know if wasting
Don't know but enjoying

6:00 a.m.
It was her 28th birthday
She loaded the ***** laundry into a washing machine
and looked at the toilet that she needed to clean
She fixed her hair, she took a shower
without even looking at her own reflection on the mirror
She grabbed a cup of instant coffee
and gulped ounces of it to steer away the terror
She tossed the cup in the bin
but missed because her hands tremored
And as if time was racing with light speed
she saw the sunset fading away in retreat
She goes to work the next morning
with layers of concealer under her eyes
but she could never conceal her wistful smile
She comes home with her daughter sleeping in her bedroom
And on the sofa was her tired husband
still in his party clown costume
At the corner was the telephone with five voicemails from her mom
but she never found time to listen to her qualms
She glanced at the night sky from her window
with an almost unnoticeable sorrow

One day she woke up and she was 70
Still doing the same laundry
Still drinking the same instant coffee
She looked at her daughter walk down the aisle
with her father who almost never smiles
She brought flowers to her mom's grave
but she couldn't hear her from the other side with the distorted soundwave
She still walks out her doorstep with the same shoes
Almost getting tired of hearing the same news
She still sees the sunset from that window
And she looks out from them with the same almost unnoticeable sorrow

She woke up and she was 28 again
She started to make an effort to notice her face on the mirror
She took time to look at her mom and cheer her
She hugged her husband more and this time tighter
She sank her lips into her daughter's soft cheeks
And never dared to miss a moment when her innocent lips speaks
She walked out the door before the sun could set
to finally buy a new pair of shoes, they were red
She walked the earth as if it were her first time
and she locked her gaze into the golden sunshine

Time passed and she's now 92
And on her deathbed, she said
'If there's one thing that sunsets had taught me,
It is that transitions can be beautiful too.'

Life awaits those who wish,
although it's not a subtle dish,
through light and dark we travel,
sometimes the purpose unravels,
stitch the seams and mend the hems,
as your life travels another bend,
on it goes and as it flows,
the more you have to show.

We are walkers of rocks
Wanderers of plains
Seers of sights unseen
Beers of places un been
Every moment new
Every place new
as each moment passes
We are juicers
Apply a squeeze and twist
And drink the bounty
Pulp and all
Never in the same place twice
As our sun burns through space
As our Galaxy spirals
through the universe
Its always different
As each moment passes