I felt so happy. I was so excited. Me and Xavier had been invited to a double date with some of our long time no see friends. Liam was bringing his girlfriend, and Carter was tagging along. It was full of kisses and couple pictures, spilled popcorn and fights over cinema seats, murmures whispers to one another asking who the hell had forgotten to boy some water. It was fun. It was really fun. We went bowling after the movie and I was nervous. I had only gone bowling once and I was awful. But I felt confident enough to play. Confident enough to play and massively fail. Note to self: you are awful at bowling. But so did Leah. We were all making jokes, checking who had won in the other lanes, jumping and dancing in those uncomfortable mandatory shoes. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out. And we got hungry. So we went to eat. To an overly priced pizza restaurant, with neon lights and old rock playing in the background. Carter was screaming for water as Leah and Liam made out in a booth. Xavier and I, we just stared at them in disbelief and apologized to waiters who passed by. The food came. And we ate. We ate like we had never had food before. I wasn't scared to eat in front of them. I wasn't scared to eat. I was so proud of myself. As soon as we finished I went to the bathroom. But on the way there I saw a table looking at me from the corner of my eye. With all my past relationships I didn't want to look directly at them. But an old review makeup mirror did the trick for me. And there I saw them. In a corner table sat a group of about fifteen people. A group of people who made my life impossible back in the day. I saw my ex. My abusive manipulative ex. The ex that started everything: from my self harm to my eating disorder. I saw the girls who made fun of me at school. And I remember the years of bullying I went through. I saw all the girls who abandoned me and turned their backs to me just because someone else came along. A better version of me. One that wasn't scared to go eat out and preferred walking around town to sitting in a living room playing video games. So. I kept walking. I didn't bother looking back. I put on a firm look to try and hide my shaking hands and teary eyes. and I made it back to my table. But Leah, my poor Leah, she couldn't have chosen a better day to start her period. So I went with her. I had to. She needed help. As she sorted herself out I looked proudly at my makeup in the mirror. But then I saw. I saw them moving, walking towards me. All of them coming in at the same time, blocking the door for me to escape. They might have thought I was alone in there. As they looked at me top and down, Leah stormed out of the toilet saying how the boys were waiting for us outside. And so the only thing they were brave enough to do was ask me if the toilet was free. If they could go in. And they said it with such disgust that the only thing that was left to do was for me to laugh. And that's what I did. And with the fear in my veins and blood rushing everywhere I grabbed Leah's hand and left those ******* with the remains of my fake but honest laugh. I would have punched them. I really wanted to. But it's not my place to start hell in a restaurant toilet.

31 sleeps until Christmas.
He's got six weeks a sullen doctor says
Is this the scale for our lives I wonder? The years the weeks and the days.

You remember where you were when the call came in
Blissfully unaware and then it changed everything

How could you know what they were going to say?
"You've got the job" or "it's the hospital, it's going to be today"

These things they divide the eras of our lives. They aren't measured in ticks and tocks
It's always "after little Ben came along" or "since the towers dropped"

Drill down further and you'll hit the epochs of our very existence.
"When I worked for Tesco", "when I retired", "when I went up to infants".

Funny how folk say school days are the best of your lives
Now school was ok, I can see why they'd say
But chances are it's based on lies.

See, you look back at things favourably. Overlooking the negative parts.
The dreary hours in detention or the time you split your trousers in class.

The embarrassment that lasted weeks is now an anecdote for reunions
And if you went, I'm sure, school days weren't nearly half as fun as your uni ones.

So the ticks keep tocking and the clocks ain't stopping and the hours will always make days
We can work then sleep like good little sheep then the days will only make greys.

Or in my case, nothing.

Time gains it's substance from when you look back at it.
24 hours can be a day or, all those hours can flit

Chances are you work and each work day echoes the next.
Emails and phone calls. A pit stop for lunch. Having relationships over text.

Look back over the last 5 years and rejoice that memory that sticks
I got a fiver that says it ain't the 9 hours straight that you spent alone on Netflix.

See, you might not keep a diary but your brain does and you might not know.
Have you ever looked back in the evening and felt that morning was days ago?

The time was full of wonderful things to keep the brain alert and engaged
Nothing slipped by unnoticed and the diary was full on that page.

Take a look at the 27 club.
Hendrix, Winehouse, Cobain
Chances are there's more pages in your diary but most of those are plain

All of us organic. Decaying as time slides by.
The most we can ask is a fair amount of time so come death, we won't ask why.

Our pages full of joy and tales
Of how it feels when the wind fills our sails
It's said that time flies, but I find often it stops and sits
The world may not remember us but we can always remember it.

How it's amazed with its sights
Its days and its nights
Oh, the ways it delights
I digress...

I guess I should go. Check my watch and I know it's only 18000 sleeps until death.