nightmares every night
all of the guilt and shame of the people everywhere
comes inside me
it forces itself in
im paralyzed to my bed
and i just sit there
inviting it
coming inside
it is so heavy i barely manage to breathe
it makes me huge
fat ballon pushing my insides out
my eyes the eyes of a frog
big enough to LOOK AND SEE
and feel
and dream
your dreams
your pain
"not anymore'' i say to you
" its yours take it
care for it
i need to let go
and to leave... "
so i wake up.






but it continues
manic laughter and tears
every night its the same
in the day i forget
in the night im afraid
in the dreams i remember
ignorance is bliss
so i wake up.




and it starts over

today i washed the dishes
but now im sad
i finished a painting
but now im still sad
i took a shower
while i was sad
i went for a walk
walking sadly
i lay in my bed
looking sad
i guess no matter what i do
im going to be sad

digging fingernails in my skin to feel
warmth of blood,passionate and red
the music is loud but my heartbeat is low
ringing sounds in my head, party noises
i'm desperate for a muffled one instead
i travel with a mind lift
lift down in the room the horror dreams prepare you for
at level zero where breathing is a difficult skill
air doesn't exist and minds collapse
i feel the lack, i hear the choking the static, i smell the blood and the illness
clenching my eyes they turn backwards inside my skull
seeing the names of those who destroyed the home i built
always smiling politely they welcome me
as a guest in my own place
''hello there predator
is this basement warm enough for you
are these chains secure enough for you? ''
shaking vigorously no nonono
death is upon me
cursed cursed cursed for eternity
listening to laughter,talking to thoughts imagined
in this basement never to be found

I follow myself around my flat,
feeding the time
my contemplations;
it’s already dark by 3 in the afternoon.

I carry my turmoil
with pins in my pockets,
i keep my hands inside.

Depression boils
all my frozen insides,
makes them bland
and chewable.

riding out the highs of life
with manic ferocity

until

the minutiae of life
drag you down into the depths of despair

a pure loyalty like no other
hidden by a dramatized emotional facade

always there to bring you up,
simultaneously bringing themselves down
it's a slippery *****--
emotional support

Oh, to be Mercutio--
is to be the eye of a hurricane,
winding about a center
--that may not be
as stable as it seems

Why I am drowning
Because I am letting me drown,

Why I am going into depression
Because I am letting me go in the depression

Why I am living in hell
Because I am letting myself to
live in the hell.

Everything is happening because
"I am letting"so it happens with me."

In my dreams I watch a girl be everything she ever wanted to be,

When I wake up I know that girl could never be me.