today love looks like
closing out a chapter
and starting brand new.
love looks like dancing into happy
and taking the necessary
deep breaths to get there,
like leaving you beautiful,
but knowing there is more than that
waiting for me.
knowing that I am more than that and I am waiting for me.
love today looks like legs for days
gracing this earth.
vocals for miles hitting all the wrong notes in the worst beautiful way.
but nothing is more freeing than dancing in t-shirt and *******
singing songs with words both made for feeling high and simply feeling.
i’m singing through this chapter and i won’t come back to wait for you.

I know myself like the back of my hand.
I know my strengths, weaknesses, body curves and scars accompanied.
I know I am beautiful.

Like stained glass,
I dance happily as colors when the lights hit just right,
An entourage of beauty and serenity that I am
Unequivocally representing as the day breaks,
As yellows, oranges, greens, blues.
Everything was beautiful about me,
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet.
I am all of the colors.
I am a rainbow after a stormy day,
A beautiful gown form-fitted onto that of a powerful women,
I am a Queen dancing the ballet before throngs of people.
I dance to dance
And I dance to laugh
And I am beautiful to me
And that is all I can ever ask for.

When I met you,
I saw you as another version of me:
Stained glass, too,
Just cracked,
Needing a friend to glue back in the shattered pieces,
Help you be whole again, shine those colors the same way again.
And I loved you for that.

Glass can be seen straight through, though. Color or not.
You knew that.
You saw that.
You took advantage of that.
That,
Being my beauty, my confidence, my spirit,
My power, my naivety.

I didn’t know.
I didn’t know you weren’t here to appreciate the art
But to tear it down and try to repaint it as your own.
I trusted you to accept the me that I knew--
The yellow of the sun,
The green of nature’s embracing twines,
Even the blues of the leftover tears from the purple bruises of my bad memories.
I guess you accepted me, in a way,
But not how I wanted you to.
Not as me.
You manipulated me.
Told me that different wasn’t pretty.
I wasn’t pretty.
I feel like I am nothing,
puzzle pieces being rearranged to try and create a design
I wasn’t designed for.
You told me things that changed me.
I started seeing myself
As dried paint in the reflection of my mirrors.
I no longer danced.
I lacked potential.
I wasn’t going to turn into something beautiful.

And then I remembered,
After months of being clay shaped into your project,
That I am not a project.
I am not an object.
I am not subjecting myself to any more neglect.
I am in this body forever.
I look in the mirror and finally, after months,
I stare back at me:
I am a cracked stained glass portrait.
I vow to make something new with my broken pieces.
I tell myself,
I am beautiful,
Whether you can see that or not.
Every day, all day,
Months on end,
And eventually,
I start dancing again,
Leaping again,
Bouncing in front of mirrors and laughing and smiling again
and I stop making monsters into men
That I believe will love me for me.
I love me for me.
And all I need is me.
And that is all I can ever ask for.

What does love look like today?

Today love looks like sweet, sultry music...
I feel myself a child of the moon,
Dancing with wine in her hands.
I feel like lavender and honey,
Sweet and attending to
Your breathing,
Your melting,
Your heavy...
Like skin on skin
Like oil on canvas
Like chocolate candles
Like running all over each other...

Hold out your hand
So I can pull you closer.
Watching the stars light one by one.
I've never seen them this close, the stars.
Sparkling like they are dancing,
Your eyes staring deep into mine.
Tell me you know how to dance.
Your hand held tight in mine, the small of your back.
The stars shine so bright, hidden beneath long eyelashes.
The perfume of a constellation brimming this close.
The smudge of lipstick across my lips.
I've never seen the stars this close.
Pretty baby, I've never seen the universe quite like this.
The night wove across your skin in a dress

Like violent footsteps of translucent insects,
rain clouds the glass.
A dynamic curtain between
the warmth
and the wind

Window dancers,
forever shifting, obscuring, revealing.
A one man audience
to a one night only movie
playing exclusively
in the courtyard below