I'm not going to sit here and let my eyes water
Thinking about the reasons you can't give out child a father
The only way for me to stay sane is to think of all the ways
All the ways I love you more and more throughout the days
I loved that you could fix things be a sink, a car, or my heart
I loved that you were always there till the very end right from the very start
I loved that when they told you that the cancer was spreading
you came home with me one last time and i love we laid in our bedding
I love that we had one ore night to share before you were gone
I know one day I'll see you again but a lifetime is to long
I love that our little girl will remember her dad loved her most
and I especially love the way every breakfast you burnt the toast.
But most of all I love you because your strength and heart
and I know no matter where you go will never be apart.

My father never left me
I came to him every day
I knew he loved me
And he disciplined me for only good

My father never hurt me
Unless it was for fun for me
He thought precious things of me: For me
I was drowned in love

My father never knew me
i grew into my own
I neglected his love that God planted in him for me
He grew old and weary and began to drive me crazy

I never knew my father
i began searching for him
When I found him. I recieved love and pleasure
I found myself lost as i called for my daddy

My father is my daddy
He made me his plan with his lover
To nurture me, support and take care of me
The way I've always known him is as my daddy

My daddy is not my father
My daddy does not exist
The ******* i *** while in my bed annihilate me
My inadequacies face me eye to eye

My daddy loves me so much
I keep his life going and going
He knows God and His blessings by me
His passions are the cosmos of life's reality for me

My daddy is who i realize he is
My daddy is who i realize he is
He was my daddy and always will be
He was my daddy as my heart lost my daddy

Sing sing sing ...to sing a song so so so ... So devoured.... On the 11/11/16 A princess was born , all nations  rises , kings and Queen's bow in their tearing eyes , field with joy and laughter  , to cherish this day for a blessing life brought, as u grew up and walk in the valley of shadows, you will sometimes stumble , fall and crawl,  as you soldier on through thin and think may your failure becomes your motivation even when your dreams are shattered and scary nights falls, never sleep to dream or dream to sleep or think to think for I know there is no faith of fate that can fake the faith of fate, for I know who you are, a princess that will become a queen and you are destined to do great things

You said you'd always love me.
And you never did.
You said you'd always be there.
And you never were.
You said you'd help me get through life.
And you never helped at all.

My only question is "how?"

How did you manage to aid in my creation,
stand there in the hospital room when I was born,
hold me when I was only a child,
and then leave me?

How could you sit in a jail cell,
knowing I was alone,
without a father,
without anyone to even model one for me?

How could you repeat your mistakes,
knowing how much it would affect me,
knowing how much it would affect my mother,
and my younger sister?

How could you leave me alone,
without a care in the world,
without a meaningful existence in my life,
without the slightest feeling of love from you?

Was I a reminder of your long lost youth?
Did I threaten your freedom?

You're supposed to embrace that your era is over,
that it was time to let your kingdom fall.

When you have a child,
you're supposed to love them.
I never felt that from you.
Instead, you left.


I thought I was over this,
writing about you,
missing you,
crying because you'll never love me like you should.

I guess some feelings just never die down,
especially not abandonment from someone
who's never supposed to leave you.

Most girls my age share stories of how their fathers
taught them how to fix cars,
or threatened to **** the boy who took their virginity.
The only thing I have to share of you is your never ending abandonment, sorriness, and the resentment I have for you because of them.

They think I'm crazy,
to hate the man who made me.

It's not crazy,
it's just justice.

f.m.s.

Born was I, in Illinois
Daddy thought, his little boy
My true self forced forever to hide
Feelings inside could not be denied
Daddy lost not thru death but rejection
Failed to live up to his expectation

Seething anger made me blind
Vowed never to look behind
Brokenhearted by his rebuff
Made my way resolved to be tough
Never could forgive him for my pain
Never to see my Daddy again

April the first, Daddy died
No one more surprised than I
When at his deathbed I cried
Daddy hooked up to tubes and wires
No longer could hold anger's fires

This is the moment we must seize
Daddy, forgive and love me please
He took my hand and gave a squeeze
Daddy's Little Girl I wanted to be
Twenty minutes was all the time had we

when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-******* dreams
******* dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
******* dreams
******* dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.


-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, ***!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, ***!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a ***** word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid *****" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-

it was almost two decades ago
when you looked down
at me from the glass window
i was hours old

yesterday i looked down at you
and read your head stone
i am nineteen years old

1.     My house is the same size as his mother's bedroom.
2. He was the first to notice the colour of my eyes.
3. He kept his left hand on my thigh and steered with his right.
4. He drew a long breath and breathed out a smoke on my face
5. He said men should not hurt their wives.
6. He drove sober while I leaned back with a bottle of cider in my hand.
7. He asked why I was so sad.
8. He told me he and his mother never talked.
9. I liked the feel of his hand on my hair.
10. He stopped kissing and wanted to talk about it
11. I've tried so hard to keep my wrists clean.
12. He claimed he was not looking for ***.
13. He only wanted me for my body.
14. I was not ashamed of my nakedness.
15. He stopped when I said no.
16. I fumbled; I was only a ******.
17. He sobered up in the cold shower while I lay in his bed, waiting.
18. I thought I heard my mother's voice from the back of my head, asking me my whereabouts.
19. I was somebody's daughter.
20. He was somebody's son.
21. There was a drawing by his kid sister, with a caption: the best brother in the world.
22. I felt too ugly to be lying there.
23. For all my life. I've wanted a brother. Someone who would protect me. Someone who would fight for my mother, who would gently cup my ears in the midst of my father's violence.
24. He came back and kissed me again.
25. I touched him because I was lonely.
26. I did not stop him from making marks on my neck.
27. I wanted to give myself up. I did not care. I had no reason to keep my virginity. But I was somebody’s daughter, and I...I loved myself too much.
28. He faltered at the mention of her name. He loved her. It was all too familiar.
29. He wanted to know how long I was staying.
30. My flight was only in eight hours.
31. I felt angry at his dominance over every events of my life.
32. I did not know how to forgive him. He, who was supposed to be my lighthouse, my shade. He made it so hard for me to trust, too vulnerable, always playing on the safe side. He hurt me too much.
33. He fell asleep with his back turned against me. I wanted to reach out to be held. But I did not know how to please him.
34. I was supposed to feel safe under my father’s shadow.