You watch white people become millionaires
By spinning a wheel and guessing words
Is that entertaining for you?
Because you don't forget who you are
No matter how many of these people you see
You don't forget who you are
But I do
I forget who I am
In fact, I forget so well
that it's as if I never even knew in the first place
It's like being strapped
into a self-driving car
and you have no idea where it's taking you
Like my life is a wheel of fortune
and misfortune
Spinning around the blue

We are posting photos
and you're gone
We might be lost forever
if you want
now tension has shown its face
I feel a strange relief
a strange peace
in being here, alone,
with my family of the heart

and a strange pain
of losing you
you were helping me fight
my winter
but you fought too hard
you fought too hard

"This feeling is the byproduct of schizotypy, rituals, and doubts."
But there is a hint of truth, a hint of love...
the love we are trying hard to sustain...
Black and white, mixed in a strange grey.
As usual...
But still with a lot of contrast...
Black and white, crazy thoughts in the backyard of my mind.

DO YOU LOVE ME?
Do I love you?

A whole entire human
A feeler of pain
A fighter of battles of the mind
A warrior
An owner of a heart, heartbeat, the kind you notice
A closeted non-binary
A mover, A dancer
A thinker of thoughts
A haver of things
A learner
An occupant of my home
A difference in someone's life
A feeler of emotions
A knower of truth
A heartbeat, a heart strain
that catches your attention
A chooser of paths
Incomplete

The grip on my disposable razor
Is tighter than the grip of my own reality.
Reflection distorted by the humid condensation,
I still see my hands trembling as I shave.
I still see the designer bags under my eyes.

The familiar aroma of shaving cream,
Paired with the sobering twinge
Of the nicks from my razor.
The haphazardly spilled pills,
Horizontal bottles in the medicine cabinet.

White-knuckling the porcelain sink,
Decorated with dried toothpaste and the blood of my gums.
I reflect to my reflection
Distorted by drip drops of tap water,

“Am I still myself?
Or simply a prospect of my own delusion?”

There are people to miss, we've seen so much.
It's all behind us now.
Everything. A memory.
A branding of chemicals in our cerebrum.
Every millisecond of our so-called existence.
Every heart beat.
It's but a principal of physics.
Maybe nothing more than that?
No?
It's all just it our heads.
We're all just in our heads.
Our heads are in our heads.
Our heads are a myth.
Everything made up by our heads is a myth.
Nothing more,
Nothing.
But what we refer to as,
The big vaccuum.

I called on the wind
Maman would have had a fit
I called for the wind by name.

I asked her today
Please sing my song to the world
and just like my hair she curled

Noisy spirals, like
lunar periods tidal.
The wind spoke in mania

She's shouting, howling.
A drunk Father passing through
A scared Mother beating you

Momentarily
Wind made me god, and I was
bigger than I ever knew

I am powerful
and destructive, tormented
still by being invented

Then manifested
in earthly form as human
ever striving for balance

When inside of me
Equity had been replaced
Now anger stood in its place

Personified, I'm
Refocusing my compass.
But to where do I set course,

What is my purpose?
Concerned with Identity
To seek out Serenity