Tonight, as I lay in bed, thoughts playing old memories on rewind - stop & pause at the good moments, fast forward through all the bad - my brows begin to furrow as I ask myself... what if? What if I would’ve decided to go a different college? What if I actually changed my major when I realized I would never be a striving politician? What if I would have not lived for others and lived for myself?

Well, here’s the beautiful thing about what ifs: it’s not the life you’re meant to live. If I didn’t study what I did I never would have met my husband. If I never met my husband I never would have realized I wanted to become a nurse. If I never lived these moments, I never would have found my true destiny. I can’t say I’m happy that it took me so long to find my purpose in life, but when I reflect on my life I now realize the mindset I needed to get to where I am today and not where it was 5 years ago. Unfortunately, life doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Thankfully, I have someone who undoubtedly believes in my abilities to succeed.

Regardless of how long it took to figure out or how long it takes for me to get to where I’m meant to be, I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and am still becoming.

I guess this is what a real life existential crisis feels like.
Small bits of thought swirl through my head,
A tornado of broken glass.
And now that the wind has settled,
I struggle to fit the pieces together
In a way that would resemble a window
Through which I might view myself.

the internal ***** located in the left breast
slows
i want it to stop
i want the yelling in the next room to stop,
i want the slamming doors to shut up
i want to leave the cage of blames
i want to feel free
home feels different from the expectations built
the christmas lights in june are my only comfort
it always comes back to the future
every argument, every frustration, everything
we all worry about the future,
not enough time is spent in the now
because we all fear the snap of the void
existence becoming nothing
ash and dust
n o t h i n g.
we worry about the inevitable
we run from the angel of life and death
our legacies are the only things left of us
but we don’t even have that
what is a legacy if there were no life?
what is a legacy when one can’t enjoy it?
those with legacies are six feet underground
what is the use of a legacy
when the sun collides with the earth
when the sky falls, when the human race falls
when we fall
there will be no god, no higher power to rescue us
there will be no mercy for humanity
so what is the use of a legacy
when one’s name
stops staining lips
and when the end nears
i will be terrified
i will tremble and sob
i will cling on pathetically
because the future will come back to me
because the unknown haunts me
and hovers in the back of brain
so perhaps while i can
i will distract myself with meaningless plans
with collisions and sparks and love
because the future is just a breath away