I have felt the weight of so many feelings pile up inside me over the years
The top layer of myself is composed of a loss for words
I fell in love once and back then it was as if the words would never stop flowing out of me
Poem after poem pouring out of my soul about a girl who i ended up falling so completely out of love with
Ever since then i have looked at my notebooks, stray post it notes once equipped for a passionate flurry of words to be smattered onto and then neatly folded into an origami heart  
I’ve looked at them and felt only loss
Falling out of love overtook me as slowly as falling in
Shy moments persistently becoming noticed until i realized that
I wasnt who i used to be when this all began
And honestly?
I dont know who i am anymore
I really don’t
And perhaps that’s why i havent found the words yet
These past few months i have been urging myself to write, write, write,
You know you will want to remember what this is like so write
But i looked inside myself and all i saw was a confusing blob, a living person with questions for organs and i didn’t know what to do
What had become of who i was
And so i pushed writing away
Words that so easily poured from my fingertips, trapped behind a self made dam
I felt silly
I feel silly
How to i begin to describe that i no longer recognize myself
That the image of who i was
A scared angry depressed teenager has been smeared at, scratched away with rough greedy hands
And i am left looking at an empty husk of an adult
A living breathing ‘what could be’
And i am lost
And i dont know
I must really admit, i know nothing- at all.

Only if I don't pay attention
I see my thoughts
reflected in the world

and myself as a full moon
in the light of mankind
with, here and there, some spots

of defects, blood
shrinkage and disability
and shadows of bragging

then I know myself so light
as if I were the sun
as if it were me

who makes the moons shine
and the seagulls scream out
the day over the canal

Only now that I pay attention
I see the moons of my life
we are old

my thoughts and I, my world
from the new to the old moon

Mind what you see
then you see your life
from the new to the old moon

The person you are
If moulded by previous experiences
Will die indefinitely the same
Indifferent to change

The present marches on a straight line
Delusional by unclear skies,
Believes in free will
And the power to create

somewhere in between a second ago and my next step
something that doesn't need to let go because there's nothing to let go of
only to understand

layers we can't fully experience, but know

simply having trust in the dissolution of thought


(but sometimes I see your face in my head for 3 seconds and it brings me to a state of distraught)


no palladium for me
a free being, same as the energy that flows with the leaves
no conversations regarding what a nuisance I was with no decency

that was then

and change is now, every millisecond

how could we possibly
p     re

ten
d.

??? (!!)

On long car rides late at night,
You finally exit the freeway'
And the car slows to a gentle stop.
The lost momentum stirs you and your eyes open
Just enough to see the car's insides bathed in red light.
Your eyes are more comfortable when they're closed,
And the warm air whispering from the vents invites you
To slip under completely.

The early morning, when you still have an hour or two of sleep.
You turn to get more comfortable,
Feeling the warm spot where you used to be.
You sigh deeply and,
For a moment,
You think you catch the scent of your own home.
You pull your sheets higher and feel your body relax.

The teacher is lecturing.
You feel your legs grow heavy.
Your blinks become longer until
It's more work to open them than you're willing to put forth.
The fluorescents buzz a lullaby just for you.
You hear, but you can't listen.
A sharp jolt.
Your head bobs.
You are awake.

You're seconds away from falling asleep.
A dull flash lights your eyelids, and
Though your breathing stays the same,
Your heart rumbles with the distant thunder.
You are made aware,
Once more,
Of the steady patter of rain on your window.

The pain won’t stay
So long
See you in May
Just not today, myself to betray
Lose myself indulging in what’s not spoken
Losing grip of the entirety of this moment
The only regrets I have are the ones that make her upset
is this a phase
false love to praise?
am i insane?
insecurities i can't restrain
is this a test?
one I can't retake?
is this a game?
one I cannot play?
when will it pay?
in debt til I decay
what should I say?
it's wrong to hate
the obvious is said
complications in my head
resulting in my death
it's life or lead
but what's to complain at the end when I wake up in a bed