I have succumb
To this scent
The scent of a heart
A heart that has
Accepted me
It is addicting
As it is dangerous
I will commit to try
And keeping this scent
To be a part of me

Commitment issues
This again?
Yes but this time these are my words
Not the labels thrown at me by exes
Like arrows attempting to pierce me into place
I thought it was meant to trap me
But I think they just wanted me to stop
To think
To really evaluate myself
To see the truth
Im afraid of commitment.

When I've been told this in the past
I read it with the understanding that
Commitment issues meant I
Just couldn't have or didn't want a relationship
And that just couldn't be true
I mean just check my track record

No, see
My having commitment issues
Is rooted deeply within my past
These problems originate in an exciting mix of
Trust issues
Abandonment issues
And a variety of other traumas

I am not afraid to enter relationships
And I do not avoid love
Actually, I am obsessed with finding love
With being loved
All the while trying to love another
Thinking I'm succeeding
While subtly sabotaging myself in the process

When I was small
I did not receive the respect and care
Needed to show I was loved
Though my parent said they cared
They didn't protect me the way they should have
I had to take care of myself
Look out for myself
Because I was the only one I could trust

Anytime I got close to someone
They'd either decide to leave
Or get ripped away by outside forces
I was alone a lot
And not great at making friends
With the abuse happening at one house
And some solace found at the other
I was constantly fluctuating between
Hellhole and liberation
All while trying to have a childhood
And survive adolescence

So when they say I have commitment issues
They're probably right
But not for the reasons they think
Not because I'm polyamorous
Not because I don't want to commit
Not because I don't love and
Not because of who I am as a person
My issues come from a long line of
Different abuses by people who
Were supposed to protect me
But didn't

So if you think to judge me
For the trouble I have with trusting you
And trusting you won't hurt me
Or decide to leave when I'm "too much"
Understand that I did not choose to be like this
I didn't choose the pain that led me to love
In such a haphazard way

But I am choosing to do something about it

and it feels like commitment.
and that begins a tug-of-war
inside me.
i want to give her to give me all of her.
but that means returning
the priceless gift.
i want to open myself, let her inside.
but how do i give what has
always been taken?
i want to know what it means to be in love.
but in my dictionary, “in love”
is undefinable.

Our children may chase butterflies.
but me?
I’ll stay by your side.

teens may break with the tide
and run off alone with butterflies.
But Not me my dear, I’m by your side.

Other men chose butterflies
and then go off with small goodbyes.
But not you my dear, your by my side.

You are the only one who has ever seen me naked

Being naked in this sense is less of a physical state than it is an emotional one
Seeing me naked is seeing me as I am

Raw raging firey desires,
Illustrious passions,
My wildest, deepest dreams

True ****** requires showing you the insignificant sprouts of cruelty and knee buckling pearls of weakness that live in my heart

I chose to tell only you

What breaks my heart?
What do I see when I look in your eyes?
What mundane things do you do that I can't stop daydreaming about all day?

Things absolutely anyone else but you could not know

So I can't promise that nobody will ever see me with my clothes off
But I can promise that you will be the only one to ever see me for me

Completely naked

k.g.

I wish I didn’t
Have to wonder about your
Commitment to me.

I told myself not to feel
You came out of nowhere, i laughed at the irony of our collision into an awkward yet somehow
fitting setting
You drew me in on every word
every line oozing with sweet sticky promises
Promises that you almost give up on
No one knows
What I want
How I feel
How I view the world
What holds me back
But you…
You ******* got me
Unguarded
Unafraid
To say how I truly feel
Except; when it comes to us
I can still feel your hands on my face
Inky eyes locked with mine
Intertwined, bound, and tied to each other motionless
We could have stayed there
Forever
Yet, we didn’t
Weekends turned every other
Which then became maybes
My body no longer stamped by the passion you left behind
My heart no longer topped off by the hopes of seeing you
No more countdowns
Now I count how long it takes for the next one to break me down
Tearing through my heart like a giant Christmas present that no one ends up needing
Placed in the corner with the others to be regifted
Leaving behind filaments of gift wrap and fancy ribbon, used to hide the well intentioned gift
No one wants the gift of a heart these days
They want houses, cars, well oiled and machine-like bodies that crawl to them, and classy like a
sorority sister at a keg party (who went to Amherst)
The heart is overdone
The passion that at one time exhumed from our bodies was now beginning to fade into a pitch
black abyss
All that is left is a few memories of Saturdays well-spent
Conversations that went on for hours
And a heart that once again,
Has been drained and bled dry to stop the very beating that you caused
All that’s left is an empty shell
One that i’ll pick up, dust off, wash out and pour myself into again…
This one ******* hurts