you, yourself,
must be censored.
a name, a place,
a debilitating trigger.

blocked and hidden -
except in the framework
where memories of you
creep, prowl, lurk.

you’re dead, you’re done
i owe you nothing.
are you forgetting that night?
i see when you’re bluffing.

be patient now,
just a few more words.
how curious! i heard
from a little songbird

that beelzebub, satan,
the devil himself
was shocked, dismayed
at how your lover was dealt.

one hundred days
then bleach through my ear -
youll be just as forgotten
as you wish i were, dear.

Honestly, I was paralysed
Quick breathed, chest choking kind
That numbs to the tips of fingers
And the bottom of the heart,
Feet spread wide apart as if I ever stood a chance of taking the blow.
Its stings,
bleary eyed I'm blinking and rubbing at the skin, massage the redness away;
All that nasty shame and the ridiculous burn of guilt
That has me wilting round my shadow.
I think I might have seen something,
Hints bleeding into the beauty of blissfull ignorance and dulling the gleam,
Blinkers just a little skew-wiff
To let the light in and shine on your bare ***
Going to town between someone else's legs.
You dont look half as nice now,
Your flesh is pale and hair curls darkly
And its gross, like those meaty moans
That make you sound like a boar.
I can't call her a *****, not really,
But shes enjoying herself with the lie of one
Screaming obscenities to God
As if hed take time out of his
Busy schedule to fulfil her voyeristic fantasies,
Deity bowing his head to watch
You smash into her and smash us to pieces.
You're shuddering and shes faking those screams
There"s no glee in her eyes, just the simpering emptiness of making you feel like a man.
But your not, you're a coward
Who's **** is fond of flattery,
chases it like a puppy, perking up hopefully to be petted.
I dont think I'm upset anymore.
I'm out the door and rain falls cool on the ground
I'm crunching down the gravel,
shedding my committment,
It's has a satisfying sound that dies
Beaneath my boot as you stumble after me.
'It's not what you think'
It's funny because I honestly
Hadn't thought anything except
I'd never never seem you like that before;
Not so raw and pasty
And ugly.
Maybe you'll meander back into my mind
As divine as you have been before
But right now I deplore the memory.
I dont love you
Because I dont know who you are.

i wanted to believe you
with all my heart
i wanted it to be true
when you said there was no one else
but a part of me always knew
there was always someone else
standing between me and you

The leaves are falling
I am falling down
Cold air rolls in, my heart is blue
Because of you

Season change in life the same

I used to be happy
Hopeful
Then humiliated

The sun is shining
Yet the cold air is suffocating me
My heart is cold
My happy is gone

My season has changed
Because of you.

We were in love
Told me you would never leave
And I fell for not only your personality
Your welcoming smile
Your warm eyes
But also
For your lies
Your manipulation
You had my heart
And now
You have my happiness
Because like you
It also left
Without saying goodbye

I feel like gum
Sticky stuck to the bottom of your shoe
Part of me
Clings to you
And you walk on me

And I hold on to you.

You scrape, scrape, scrape me off
And like a fool, part of me
Remains with you.
Chewed up
Rejected
***** and clingy

A pain in your step

Not welcome home.
Noticed and shameful
A careless mistake.

I'm like the gum on the bottom of your shoe.
Done for.

The scent of you is soaring around like an atmosphere in my room while you sleep.
I can't help but to breathe it in and smell.
My eyes starts to water as I think of you and her together.
Am i crying now again?
Probably best that I wipe my tears before you wake up and ask me "what's wrong?"  and I'm forced to lie.
How do you tell a person that they are the reason?
The reason to why I am crying.
The reason to why my heart hurts.

Another age-old tale
of love too frail
to save two lives torn
by love's self-destructive scorn.

If love were
a worn leather chest plate
doubt would be a
piercing sword
to seal a lover's fate.

Trust, a slippery step
on a steep climb
that if her feet would falter
she would never again be mine.

Has this calloused heart
become too cruel?
but what of
once deceived
and twice a fool.

So I have learned
that Love is not blind.
For the faint flame
of love in one's eye
slowly starts to die

Never again can i stare lovingly
For all I have is uncertainty
She starts to tear when I am near

For my stare forever holds
The weight of
"what if?"

There won't be another day
When I lie and say
That it don't matter to me
That you won't let it be

Crossing your heart
You did your own part
Promising devotion
A new, familiar start

It wasn't the first
Nor the second or third
But it counted as such
In my eyes, to my touch

It felt real, your affection
Your regrets and confession
My bleeding self took blame
Didn't give in to the flame

Guess it wasn't enough
Loving her and having me
Tempetation sure is rough
To tied hands who can't flee

Just meant to be myself
And mean something to you
But guess my body itself
Was more distracting than good

Figured my heart didn't deserve much
But icy nights in desertland
And for my soul to hush
Its complaints to strand

You promised
Tied the knot to my finger and yours
But if we're being honest
Your promises kinda blurred

Guess you weren't the promise-keeper
That you promised you would be
Guess you are a kind cheater
That just won't set me free

Ohh wow congratulations,
Finally, you are engaged with your one and only!
Noice!! Naah I’m not feeling anything,
Or maybe I am, I don’t know why my heart is heavy, I was knowing this from the very start, but it’s just I am not feeling good enough to feel anything!

Because I was waiting for you to realize that we can be back with each other! And hoping you to realize that you are losing someone who truly loves you and will never leave your side.

But you hit me with a shock of your engagement picture, but it has been only a year since we broke up and, you moved on so quick. How is that possible? I will never forget that day.... that hell of the day 16th Nov 2019! We broke up...! and, exactly one year, you are engaged with the girl I hate most, The girl for whom you cheated on me or, you cheated her, for me. Haha, I don’t know what is more accurate. Funny!

It’s not like I’m jealous or something, but you wished me in Diwali just two days ago and talked to me like nothing had happened, Saying “I was waiting for your message" what the hell do you want from me? Am I a toy to you? When you feel like tearing my innocent heart you do without any hesitation. You always do this to me, always messaging and showing love and care to me when you don't even know how I am doing, or how my mental state is. you always did things as per your, please.

I never complained anything to you because, at some point in my life, I loved you more than myself and also don’t want you to pity me for loving you this much..!!

But, today ill say my heart out and, I'll ask my heart out! They say people do silly things when they are in love and, so I. I don’t wanna say but, now they term it as using someone’s kindness for nothing and I did things which I’ll never do for myself and, in exchange What the hell you did to me? Did you ever thought of me as your girl? Did you ever loved me, even for a couple of seconds? or ever wondered what the **** I was to you? Just tell me honestly!

I am done with lies .. so please, at least today, tell me the truth. I must know the truth!

I don’t have any regret to be part of your life, and I promise I will not complain a thing, and BTW to whom you think I will complain? You already know... I had only one or at least a myth of having one..!! And that one is no more mine. Or never was Haha..!! So much confusion!

Lots of mixed feelings are hitting me up! And even I am unable to write this **** on blank paper! What I’m gonna do with this ******* life when I don’t have enough guts!

I know, I wasn’t this miserable any before! We were never at the same level, we had differences too like other couples but, somehow we managed everything up. And, I still don’t know where and when we started partying ways... I don’t know what I did wrong to make you find someone else to fill that gap. But now I don’t know what I am, who I am! maybe it would have different if you had told me it on your own rather than finding things like this, today, and also one year ago.

I can’t trust anybody anymore, and you are the reason! It’s still unbelievable you, you did this to me!

To be honest, I still can’t believe that you are already someone else’s, while I’m still struggling with my feelings! People think I am too slow but, I know, I don’t want to forget you and our memories, how happy we were with each other but, now it’s confusing, I can’t believe things have gone too far this early.  I never said to you but, I was too fast to dream about our future life of being together, happily ever after!

so it's hurting! just that!

And now there is not a single reason for being ***** like hell. I am tired of being a good ex-girlfriend turned into a good close friend. So today, finally, I am saying goodbye to you and my feelings. It’s heavy and, I can’t lift that weight! And Yes, one more thing..!! Please tell your friends to stop seeing me as a matter of gossip. I was thankful for their support in our hard times but, now you had made me pity object so, they check on me just to get entertained by my feelings, which is just not acceptable.

So, goodbye!