I lost so much weight
Struggling everyday
I’m so tired, very tired and I have no idea why
Staying home is boring but going out bring me anxiety and makes me feel like going home.

I miss my friends so much but I’m just too tired to get up, I want to tell them how I feel but it will sound ridiculous

Am I just sick or I have depression?
Who can I seek help from?
My world is so dark everything seems so meaningless, just so tired.

When I’m finally asleep please don’t wake me up
I’m happy there, I just want to sleep forever.

Here you are
*******

water ways
you reached the gate

but broken strings
and boken wings
left no coins upon your eyes.

Oh I'm sure you're not
to blame.
I'm sure you'll say
you're not to blame.

Can holes break
like hearts
or are you just
the waves
swerving
moving
claiming mysteries of
the moon
but predictable
in patterns
with fits
not far apart;
your spill fills
holes
but do they break
like hearts?

Or are you here
to pull him down
sailors sail but
sailors also drown.

You feel so low
so you pull them down.

No rest for the wicked, so
no rest for the rest

I know you say
you tried your best

But even the river
moves on
in the end.

Sucker hole
stuck at the gate.
Now unpaid
blank eyes
always.


The cost of the world you alienate
is now you're gone;
just wakes of hate.
no one cares to pay
your toll.

No rest for the wicked, so
no rest for the rest

I know you say
you tried your best

But even the river
moves on
in the end.

Even the river moves
on.

Whatever it takes
I'll do anything
Don't do this
Don't leave
I can change
You're everything to me
Anything you want
What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to say?
Name it!

Okay!
Go!
You're worthless!
*******!
You're nothing to me!
You make me sick!
You're disgusting!
How do you live with yourself???
Don't ever come back!

Wait!
Don't...
*Door Bangs Shut

My neighbor said:

"Make sure she is on her side so that she doesn't choke on her tongue"
And I giggled. I laughed.
He didn't.
Oh, he wasn't kidding
So I turned her on her side

I was 11.

My mom overdosed on pills in the front lawn
I stood there in disbelief.
I called 911

"yes, hello, the address is 3435 Park Ave.....its.....its my mother.....she fell down the front steps and she is shaking, she's seizing, and she won't stop....she needs help....yes please, hurry."

And I wait and I wait and I wait and I am standing there.

My dad is approaching. He is walking home from the train stop.
He doesn't see sirens at first. He is walking. And I see him notice the sirens and he sprints to me. We don't hug. He know what is happening before I do and I have been there for 45 minutes.

They stay at the hospital for days. She is on suicide watch. But it's just an accident, she just mixed the wrong pills. She didn't want to die. But she did. She did. I know that now.


She wanted to leave me behind.