his smile:
as tight as his belt
her lips:
as red as her throat

and it makes them more noticed,
but no less alone

Reflections
by Michael R. Burch

I am her mirror.
I say she is kind,
lovely, breathtaking.
She screams that I’m blind.

I show her her beauty,
her brilliance and compassion.
She refuses to believe me,
for that’s the latest fashion.

She storms and she rages;
she dissolves into tears
while envious Angels
are, by God, her only Peers.

Keywords/Tags: reflection, mirror, image, anorexia, bulimia, cutting, reflections, self-image, self-worth, self-criticism, self-shaming, mrbref

there are some things i can’t write poetry about

the nights when i stare into my reflection
and don’t recognize the face i see

the times when i feel like i’m moving at a different pace than the world around me

the moments when i’m surrounded by people but i feel so alone

when my heart beats out of it’s cage and i think i might die any minute

when i feel so hopeless that i can’t help but throw my head against the nearest surface

when i sit down in the shower and let the water caress me in ways no other person ever has

i realized that i will die before my younger sister
how do i write a ******* poem about that

it’s my birthday in about a week and i didn’t think i’d make it this long
i don’t know if i’m happy or sad about it

so some things can’t be written beautifully
or i haven’t processed them enough to string them into stanzas yet
who knows

1,000 calories

the sickness comes bearing gifts. we smile. we laugh. we're told not to worry about the problems growing within, only the problem of lying correctly.

800 calories

the kidnapper promises us a never ending paradise. we're intrigued and let us be taken away. forgetting our past and erasing our future.
the fairies lie and say that the kidnapper is a fraud. the kidnapper taught us self control. we plug our ears and listen to the lullaby in place of the fairies.

500 calories

the sky falls apart. only a green screen, was it? natures beauty is rotting. we're surprised but savior has taught us that the only beauty we must worry about is our own. we plug our ears and listen to the lullaby with eyes closed.

300 calories

the lullaby grows moldy. savior taught us that ugly has no value. since the song is no longer beautiful, it has no more worth to us. we find that everything around us has rot. savior is the only beauty left in this promised land. we plug our ears, close our eyes, and promise never to give in to the disgusting power of this world. we'll be by saviors side forever.

15 calories

the savior knows deep inside that we would like to leave. but truth is, we've grown fond of the pain fed to our stomach. we love our savior and the lessons we've learned. it would be unfair to leave when the utopia we've known all these years has decayed. we trust that the pain will be bearable if it means we can hold the beauty in our palms again one day. we must stay a little longer.




.cowboy.

I’m hungry
Starving for a body I'll never obtain
Somebody save me from this pain
I just want to look like her

I’m running
Sprinting from a body that I’ll never outrun
How could I be so naïve?
I’ll never look like her

You don’t need breakfast or lunch
Have a glass of ice if your hungry
Was dinner too much?
Spend the next hour locked in the bathroom

I can reach my goals
Just a little longer
Who am I kidding?
I’ll never be skinny

Small thighs
Flat stomach
The scale tells me my weight
But the mirror shows me differently

I can look like her
I just need to push myself
No more calories
I’ll run more

I’ll never stop being hungry
Will never stop pinching my skin
The body I want is unattainable
But I’ll never stop trying.

It only took a few days for you to seep into my mind and reside in the darkest parts.
But once I knew you were there, I didn't try to rid of you.
No, you gave yourself to me and I accepted you with open arms and an empty stomach.

Like a parasite you ****** the life out of me.
You wore me down to where I napped three times a day.
My stomach never satisfied; either empty or stuffed.
My period stopped for five months.
Stomach pains worse than any pain I’ve experienced before.
Living in a constant fear that my stomach acid would burn a hole through my esophagus.

But you didn’t let any of these ailments stop us.
You taught me to embrace them, they needed to happen.
You convinced me to enjoy the pain I inflicted to myself.
Just collateral damage to the ultimate goal of thinness.
You pushed me so far deep inside my head, I was separated from the shell of my body.
I couldn't recognize myself, I deserved to be nobody.
But I didn’t know that then, you told me that was exactly who I was supposed to be, the real me.

And I believed you.

darling, I miss you
in ways I wish I could
portray fully. as they say,
true love is shown through
actions-not words.

I miss your violent sweetness
tearing through my stomach
kindly molding me
into our perfect image.

I crave your airy touch-
on protruding bones,
bulging veins.
and holding my heart
while it flutters.

I will win you back
through splatter on ceramic tile
furious punching of numbers,
sleeping in tremors
and waking in dizzy euphoria.

please, I need you
render me empty
deconstruct my body
to put together anew
once more

You have always told me
"you are nothing without me"

.....

and oh god,
you were right.

in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body

the hallway bathroom and i
have recently become close again
she is a friend to me
in all of the worst ways

when my body grows too big,
the bathroom is always there
waiting for me to come back
to need her again

when no one wants to see my tears
she cradles me in her arms
lets me sit on her marble tiles
lean close to her porcelain seat

i whisper secrets to her
let her see all of my tears
and she comforts me
lets me empty everything into her

she tells me what i am doing
is alright, it won’t hurt anyone
my secrets are safe with her
but i don’t feel safe with her

no one else will hear me
no one uses the hallway bathroom
maybe that is why
she always holds me so tightly

she whispers secrets back to me
every once and a while
she’ll tell me that she’s missed me
that it’s been too long

or she’ll say that i am finally back
where I belong
with her, but still alone
and sometimes she’ll even give helpful tips

“it’s easier to ***** if you plug your nose”
“if you try one more time, you’ll feel better,
despite the burn in your throat”
“just once more, remember to breath this time”

we have always had a strained relationship
the hallway bathroom and i
but i always seem to crawl back to her
and she is always ready for me