We were drunk
He choked me
We couldn't remember
I stayed

I loved
He left
I remembered
I was silent
He would've died
From the guilt

I blocked him
He's my ex
I've forgiven
Not forgotten

I remember,
But I cry
no longer.

writing in fugue states
distress, take me
and give me dizziness
only to see black
what mistake
made me so
today, was too late
that i should have noticed before

the body falters

growing up smart
you don’t realize how much you aren’t
until you’re blacked out
at 2pm
after not sleeping for three days
drowning in jumbled words
and desperately trying not to disappoint

m.j.n.

believe me

I listen
        
                    I do

                             I

just

                     could not
                
                 get     free

       I

cannot escape

I lost myself the other night
I didn’t think it would happen...
I didn’t think I’d have to choose so soon
But I had the chance
Finally an opportunity
And I gave in
Because I wanted it.
My mind was made up years ago
I’d decided to finish the bottle
Long before I started it
So I forced it down
More and more...
Feeling ill
Giddy
Relaxed
Finally something nice...
And when I’d already gone a bit too far
I went a little further
The gently swaying hotel room
Began to spin violently
And honestly....
I can’t remember much of the rest
I blacked out
I knew I would
I’d decided long ago.

And though my stomach protested
I just kept going...
You begged me to eat
Insisted I slow down
Drink some water
I listened a little
But I was determined.
You had to hide the rest
Because you knew I’d try and drink it.
My first time truly free
And I was out of control
I’ve wanted it for so long....
And to my dismay
It was everything I’d hoped for

Six days of drinking,
partial insanity,
I drink ketamine,
and I slip from reality.

My eyes feel like they have sand in them,
my ears, mouth, nose, too.
oh ****...
they do.

Why am I paralysed?
Why can't I move?
I've been rolled up in plastic...
what the **** did I do?

On a beach in Cambodia,
thrown under a stage,
after I fell in a K-hole,
and emerged the next day.

The pain is too much,
I pass out willingly.
Wake up and I'm drowning...
Water is killing me.

I cling to the ladder,
my strength starts to wane.
I try to scream help me,
Then blackout again.

I wake up in a rowboat,
cooked by the sun.
Skin crimson and blistered,
oh, what have I done?

My ankle is broken,
no wallet no phone,
I beg for a ride,
please just take me home.

The kind stranger helps me,
drops me at my hotel.
I swallow five ******
and escape from this hell.