Oh what it takes to be extreme!
To be euphoric one day
And then be wistfully tragic the other.
To be a hopeless romantic
When the moon rises ;
And then to believe in nothing at all
At the golden dawn .
To love you with every pound of my flesh
And then feel nothing with your soul after

I don't know why I can't, seem to find happiness for myself
I've tried so hard to love
But I always push away
Afraid to get attached
It hurts deep inside, feels like I'm dyin'
But I mask my feelings
Pretend to be happy all the time
I'd give anything to be content
**** I hate this feeling
The dread inside
Drives me to suicide
And I don't wanna let you go
So the only way is to die
I'll dig my own grave tonight
Burry myself
Then I'll be free from the thoughts inside

Sometimes I wonder
If those who've never experienced the grueling lows of depression
Truly experience the moment
When the sun catches your soul in just the right way
And you finally feel warmth in your bones.

My emotions are like water
Pouring out of a faucet
They sometimes are
Too hot
Too cold
Too much
Too little
And sometimes, they stop altogether

Poor Steve Cash decided that he wanted to die.
When we lose a good person, we always ask why.
He made "Talking Kitty Cat" videos and that was great.
But when he took his life, it was something we would hate.
Steve suffered from a mental disorder and it was a terrible ordeal.
He was Bipolar and I'm paranoid Schizophrenic, I know what it's like to be mentally ill.
When poor Steve took his own life, his fans sure didn't love it.
If I could've talked to him, maybe I could've talked him out of it.
I would've told Steve that life is worth living even if a person is mentally ill.
If you have a mental disorder, I know what you're going through and how you feel.

Back and forth,
What am I worth,
My brain tells me not much,
Maybe you can cure it with a touch,

If they want you, you'll feel better,
Just let them take off your sweater,
Let them rip away your skin and flesh,
Until your damaged soul is all that's left,

Kiss me harder, make me feel something, anything at all,
This numbness is written all over me like graffiti on a wall,
I will give myself up, my body,
Isn't that what you want,
And then you'll walk all over me and away from me,
All nonchalant,

The highs don't help me outrun the lows,
Impulsive decisions are always in tow,
Who am I,
The party girl or the sad one,
Maybe both,
I feel everything and then I feel numb,

Please doctor tell me what to do,
Because I don't know what is true,
I'm in a constant tug of war,
I want to feel less yet I long to feel more,
How do I stop these wolves inside,
Because I'm tired of fighting for my life.

Our world decided to reopen.
A deadly pandemic polarizing its people.
A dollar bill weighed against a heartbeat.
You’d be surprised what we value.

But what about me?
The inner alarm on a continuous loop.
Shouting in shame.
My plague has no cure.

“Isolation” and “shelter in place” are household terms
for those under the weight of depression.
We are jealous of the cardinal that sweeps past our window,
the elderly man who waves from the street.

Freedom.
To rise each day with an appreciation for life.
To be touched by another.
To fall in love with yourself and someone else.

But today, I cannot.
Today, my eyes stare out the window.
A celebration of “opening back up.”
One day, I wish to join them.

It seems like a free fall, really.
Like when you are 12.
On a roller coaster, topping the first drop.
Veroomph!
Your face contorts itself into disfigured smirks and smiles.
You don’t control the expressions. They just happen.

And, so it is in death.
It’s a free fall.
A letting go of all restraints.
The tension and tears rip away like a massive band aid.
To say you aren’t scared would be a lie.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
The graduation of height opens the landscape.
You suddenly see the world from above.
Everything. Everyone is a microscopic version of themselves.

And then it pauses. The ride.
Your life.
Waits. “One Mississippi…two Mississippi…”
It’s not an open invitation to get off, mind you.
You’ve purchased the ticket. A price has been paid.

So, with a slight hesitation, you calm yourself.
You settle into the seat.
Stare at the birds.
Lift your hands to heaven.
Silence. Silence.
The world makes a picture for you.
But, you are no longer in the frame.