I used bait my hooks with juicy bits,
morsels sweet and tender
And throw my line out then, into the
deep dark depths
Some human voice/heart to capture
Some wild Sea horse, some Mermaid
sweet
Neptune King or marauding Queen of
the Deep
Some words from some other, some
nuggets of comfort
That might help light up my drear
and wintry life
Bring some warmth into this intense
cold I felt
And remind me that I too, was still
human;
Like a ******* spider I'd mope
about
And scan my nets impatiently
Waiting for that telltale tug, that
lovely sign
That someone at last, had bit upon a
bait of mine,
Then like a mischievous elf I'd dance
about
And clap my hands in glee
Marvelling at my cleverness, at my
great ingenuity
I'd quickly gather in my nets - my line
Anxious to know what strange fish
my handiwork did deliver
I'd haul them back to my dark cave -
my cavern
There to ruminate over and further -
further examine.
Then one day there came from out of
the depths,
From out of that dark pool so
mysterious
A voice so pure and sweet, like that of
an Angel
A young girl's voice, she liked
something I wrote
And desired very much to tell me so
She spoke at length about her own life
She talked not of pain or of Life's cruel
game
But of hopes she had and dreams, and
pretty flowery things,
I pitied her and the words she wrote
For I knew this world and knew what
it was likely to do to her & her dreams
As it had once done to me and mine
(I bared my teeth at this world, it's lies
and deceit),
But there was something about her, That girl and those words she wrote
They stayed with me long and I'd
come back to view them often
To read them was almost to enter into
another world
A world of innocence and light
undimmed by darker things,
(To walk again in Eden's fields)
She touched something in me,
something old...something deep
She reminded me... yes, she reminded
me of my own young self all those
years ago
A darling child with sparkling eyes, a
hearty laugh and an impish smile
"Wherever did you go Little One ?" I
asked myself,
"How cold and empty have been my
days...Why did you leave me ?"
She haunted me, this girl and those
words she wrote
I wondered what she must look like,
with flowing hair & flowing dresses
So I went down to the dark pool and I
looked right in
But nothing could I see, only my own
reflection staring back at me
How old and gnarled I had become,
like a wizened old tree,
"I couldn't protect you Little One, this
world it overwhelmed, it engulfed me
I didn't know which way to turn
How alone and how afraid I was....
You deserved better, so much better
A world of love and magic and beauty
Not this cold, grim and forbidding
place
Any child would recoil in horror at
such a sight as this",
I resolved there and then..I resolved to
Try and find him again if find him I
could
Buried beneath that morass of years,
Many of which had been bad or ill.
2
Revisiting my old home place, little
village by the sea
I wandered again those olden streets
of my youth,
But things they had changed, it was
not as it had been
And every change was like a pain
inside, eating into me
My old home, it had been torn down,
only a pile of rubble remained,
Other old landmarks I had known had
now vanished and were gone
The faces too, were all different now
They looked at me as you would a
stranger
Their suspicious curious eyes
following me wherever I went,
I felt like a man strangely out of sync
with Time
A fool I felt walking that ghostly shore
Searching for a Summertime long ago,
In truth I couldn't wait to get out of
there, to get back home.
I took to painting pictures instead,
pictures of the memories that were in
my head
On sheets of blank paper I built again
my old homestead
Every room, every item, every colour
lovingly restored
Just as I remembered them
And outside, the garden too and the
sea shore,
The rocks, the beach & the tide
And the village, my village! as I had
known it as a boy.
And I'd close my eyes then, and using
my imagination, put myself back there
Walking again those same lonely
rooms,
Walking the sea shore & village streets
Haunting them like a ghost;
And I'd call out your name, call out
like a banshee in the wind
That you might come back to me... one
more time...
Old memories would return, things I'd long forgotten, some good, others not
so good
Bits of old feelings too, would return,
but only for fleeting moments
The flotsam & jetsam of the past,
The ruins of who I used to be,
Sometimes, with eyes closed, my head
would drop
And I'd slip off and lose myself in
these strange dreamlike reveries
As I'd come to call them
And for a moment I'd find myself back
there, back in my old village or so it
seemed
Old faces from the past would
reappear again,
Their fresh & youthful faces talking
excitedly with childhood wonder and
abandonment
I didn't know if they could see me or
not
Even so, I'd cover my face not wanting
them to see what I had become.
They didn't seem to know I was there.
3
And so it went on, each day I'd walk
and do my rounds
Walking around my ghostly Kingdom
Trying to keep it alive,
Like a miner digging, seeking new
memories, old feelings, little slivers of
gold,
Sometimes I'd feel disconsolate & feel
like giving up
But I kept on.... I kept on
Till one day, while slumped in my
chair, with eyes closed
Lost again in one of those strange
dreamlike reveries
I dreamt that I was returning home
after another fruitless search
Weary and dejected
But then, going inside, much to my
great surprise
There! Seated on the sitting room
carpet
A child! A little child!! A little child at
play
Immersed in some game of his
Gently rocking backwards and
forwards
Humming to himself some tune,
With eyes so bright and a strange
radiance about his face
All under a big mop of black hair;
As I watched him from the doorway, I
wondered to myself
"Was this... was this I... was this me"
And in all the time I watched him
Never once did he look up, so
engrossed did he seem in his game:
And in my own mind, the only thoughts I had were of a much darker
kind
"Now that we had the little wretch, we should grab him, put him to work for
us
Use him, control him for our own
ends,
He must have a treasure hidden some
place......"
In those moments I knew... I knew
somehow
I knew there was no way back for me,
I turned away and left him there,
I went outside, out the back into the
garden
The garden where once as children we
had played and dreamt of being
heroes one day -
And suddenly - suddenly all these
memories came flooding back to me
Memories of the few kindnesses I'd
ever known in this life
A Mother's sweet soft words of love
and reassurance
An old girlfriend's fond kiss and
smiling face
A friend's encouraging words,
And suddenly these great big tears
welled up in my eyes
And these great sobs came from
within me
I was overcome, I crumpled and fell to
my knees
And buried my head in my hands, and
wept,
But then suddenly, in the midst of all
this grief and pain
A hand touched me, a little, a tiny
hand
I looked up, it was the little child from
the room
But he wasn't alone this time, he had
two others with him
They stood a little way back behind
him,
One, another boy, had his finger to his
mouth
Looking at me as if in profound
puzzlement at my predicament
The other, a young girl, was looking
over at him giggling
She had her hair cut into a little black
bob at the front, like a little pixie,
Such a delicious sound I thought, the
carefree laughter of a child
I'd forgotten what it sounded like
It'd been so long since I heard
someone laugh that way,
It was as if the world she came from
was a place that inspired only great
mirth and joy
As if that was all that existed there-
And then the child, he spoke to me (in
a little voice and with some concern)
"Why do you cry ? Come and see
where we live
Come and play with us awhile".
He held out his hand and smiled, a
kindly smile
Looking down at my hand, I wasn't
sure
But he reached forward and took mine
anyway
He led me away, the others following
too,
I felt strangely moved, forgot my tears
and my sorrow
I felt a strange freedom, like a great
weight had been lifted
Like all before that moment had been
erased
As if my own life had been nothing
more than a dream,
I felt as if I'd been accepted, and that I
belonged again
I felt almost like...like I'd come home.
This was written a few years ago after my Mom had died. A lonely man puts his writings onto a site fishing for compliments, for some contact with others. A young girl answers him & reminds him of a part of himself he's lost. He goes in search of this lost part trying to become whole again. Reminiscent of Beauty and the Beast. A song of Hope for Christmas and the New Year.
