i always wanted to be a fairy;
to be small,
skinny,
and free
to be able to fly,
soar through the clouds,
and touch the sun

i longed to be a vampire
so i could be beautifully pale,
survive on liquid alone,
and be asleep all day

i wished to be a zombie
so i didn’t have to eat,
so i could see my ribs,
and just rest in peace

i prayed to be a witch,
or a warlock;
make people see me for me,
and see me as a boy

i just want it all to get better

Tired...
but Beautiful

Awake...
but Still Sleeping

Alive...
but Starving

Dying...
but Slowly

Eating...
but Not Really

Ugly...
but Pretty

Staring
      Down
          Down
               Down
                    Down
Mixing
Swirling
Cutting

Making
   ­  Pretty
          Pretty
               Pretty
                    Pretty

Designs
In
Food

And I find it so hard to search for words to say
That my sanity went down the drain
Like the leftover soap seeping off my hair
It stings my eyes and turns me blind
The monster picks the moment like a greedy child picking a flower
It closes my throat so oxygen is a word I can't remember anymore
Thoughts drip down my body and I find myself drowning in the condensed walls of my mind
With damp fingers I try to reach for a strategy
But I seem to have lost my sanity

I want to tear my skin apart
I want to rip the pieces of my body off my soul and create something beautiful
I want to feel seeping wounds close up and I want to feel the tightness of them healing
I want my bones to snap like sticks
And my teeth to break like bricks
I want the taste of life on my tongue when the pain numbs my body

I want to feel

its hard to despise your reflection
when you refuse to accept less than perfection
and when you wake up everyday feeling as if you have failed.

its hard to fight against your body for control
as melancholy takes over your soul
as you slowly lose your mind.

the mirror was her friend
but all she saw
was her ghastly skeletal
reflection telling
her to put down the food once more.