I've been too far out all my life I think
And not smiling but... but agonizing.

They rang to see was I alright, was I
   OK
I smiled down the phone, told them I
   was fine
That I was reading a bit, watching TV
Out sunning myself in the back
   garden
What I didn't tell them I suppose, was
   the real truth
That my Demons they were keeping
   me entertained
They were sitting on the fence right
   now watching me
Like great big Birds of Prey.

"Are you keeping yourself fit", they asked, " getting enough exercise ",
" Yes!", I smiled again, "I do daily runs
   around the garden"
Of course, this too was a fib, a lie
The truth was it was really my
   demons again
Who were chasing me around the
   garden
No! Me! I wasn't smiling, I was just...
   just agonizing.

"Are you eating enough ?" they asked
"Yes, I am", I replied again smiling, " I
   had lots of food in the house
What I neglected to tell them was of
   course, the truth
That really it was my demons who
   were eating me
And Boy! were they having a feast.

"O!", I thought to myself, " when this
   whole thing is all over (the virus
     crisis)
I gotta get myself a woman
Some lovely sweet pretty lookin'
   thing
She'll save me from my demons
They'll find her more appetizing
Can eat her first instead of eating me".

It's better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all
I'm calling *******.
To have someone convince you to let them hold your fragilest parts?
Then look you in the eyes as they let them fall to the floor?
Leaving you wondering why you weren't enough?
When my bed is cold from the lack of your body heat?
How about not being able to stop seeing you missing from every new memory?
I'd definitely log those under "never having loved at all"
But wouldn't I do it again, wasn't it all worth it?
For the way you cradled my head in your arms humming softly as I fell asleep?
Learning from you the meaning of passion?
Falling deeper and deeper in love every second I saw you smile?
Singing our hearts out together in every car ride?
Yes.....
Yes, it was worth every agonizing moment

I have written poems about rising.
It’s a good subject for poets.
Isn’t a poem itself a rising?
We spend much time revising
what we write and what we do.

There are so many good words ending in izing.
I could write a whole poem
using words symbolizing
so much of life -
it’s absolutely tantalizing.

I watch and read about all the polarizing.
It is a cool oasis lingering here
synchronizing
my words with my feelings and thoughts
realizing the heart of who I really am
comprising ways of saying my truth
without moralizing.

At times it is agonizing -
all this analyzing
how I belong and how I don’t
if I’ll join others or if I won’t.

I look at that guy Jesus
and how so many obsess
about his blood and sacrifice
all the while not recognizing
it’s not so much about our sins
and his need to atone as it is
about the good he did
who he sat with and loved,
the seeds he sowed
who he stopped to touch
on the side of the road.

I find obsessions with power
really unappetizing.
I’d rather spend my time rising
from darkness into light
or embracing my sadness, exercising
and emphasizing what is energizing.  
When I do that, it is quite surprising
how creative my muse is helping ME
to also rise.

The sun rises yet again
Reminding me of the start
Of another day I have to spend
Without your sweet smiles
And warm embraces.

Her eye's cast down like a beaten pup
She didn't dare bother looking up
She watched the ground, her every step
The anguish over her face just crept
The wind from her lips swept
The agonizing moans as she wept
What woeful sounds of regret
Her closet is bulging where the skeletons are kept

She had years ago, locked it up tight
Really late in the black of night
For even she couldn't stand the sight
She had already paid the price
So she figured she had the right
With those skeletons she could no longer fight

So every day she can be found
With her head firmly pointed down
Eyes forever fixated on the ground
Wearing her darkness like a shroud

Down in the depths of the hole, there's no sound but the beat of my heart
And my dark charred thoughts
That drip like black oil
That everything it touch's, it stains and soils
Thoughts of death and gruesome memories
From them there is no where to flee
So I lay in the bed curled into a tight ball
Just waiting to hit the bottom of the fall
There is no one to talk to, no one to call
No one knows how this inky darkness flows
How it consumes the soul and continues to grow
I'm imprisoned in theses bones, this skin
Is this how the end begins
I've prayed for love and light
But I've only been given glimpses of that site
Any happiness I have fought for is snatched away
In just a short few days
So now I pray
For death and a shortening of my years
To live a long agonize life is my fears
Not one month goes by that tragedy doesn't strike
It's like trying to get through life on a trike
You pedal really really hard but get no where
To tell the truth I just don't care
I want to become totally unaware

i find myself agonizing about how my son
or rather his physical blood skin organs and bones
have decayed
into apparent nothingness