I worked it out - ADHD that is,
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?
My ****!
For those of us caught in the maelstrom
Of irrationality, rage, accusation and self centredness,
Those of us doomed
To love these creatures,
ADHD is just
A Depressing Horrible Death,
When it could, and should,
Be A Delightful Heavenly Destiny,
Oh well,

My control quickly turns me  
From convivial chatter  
To hapless conundrums  
And historic fantasies.  
My phased out eyes  
Are listening without listening  
Present thoughts  
Dissolve into ‘what ifs’ and ‘when’s’ and ‘who’s’  
You speak at me, unaware. I smile.  

The control clicks refresh    
Conceptualising my lack of attention  
My inside voice yelling ‘listen!’  
Your lips are shapes I could paint  
Look for the formations  
In the highlights and shadows  
The pinks of the turned corner of the mouth.  
I’m listening. I am.  

Lips oscillating sounds  
I can hear the words  
Dancing on walls and windows and me  
Structured dialect  
Deep from the diaphragm  
Daring my standard and generic return.  
  
My control snaps its fingers  
To take my cue  
Because you’re laughing  
And looking  
Eyes asking…  
So I laugh in return.

My knight in shining armour upon his gallant steed,
Or rather, truth be told, my gallant knight in his shining steed,
Rescued me in my hour of need
When I decided to adventure off piste
To view an ancient church,
For a couple of minutes, or so I thought,
With not a care for any danger or dragons.
But my wheels sunk deep into the cemented mud,
So I had to ring and surreptitiously confess my deed.
He came racing back
To the midsts of nowhere,
Thank goodness for what three words.
We pushed, we pulled, we added straw and sheets of wood,
But the vehicle was stuck fast.
With the light dimming,
We shovelled the earth,
The van decided to play ball,
And with a flurry of mud
Came free at last,
Thanks to my honourable knight
For rescuing me in my misdemeanour.

Oh me and my easily distracted brain!

Everyday I feel...
Distracted
Complacent
and unadjusted

One moment
I'm drowning in the ocean
next I'm tangled in the jungle
My mind is drifting in motion
thinking of work, life, and death
all in a bundle.

I have to go work
I have to pay rent thats due
then do college assignments
Today my nana was gone too soon
I began to wept and forgot I havent eaten
I left, then my friend called and said
"Can you come through?"
I wanted no excuse
and said that its cool
I remembered
I needed to complete a painting
not just one but so many
also my poems still in the making.

Its fine...
because it keeps
my mind pondering
than constantly
worrying.

I'm not going to lie,
I'm not puzzled
Thank God
that I'm grateful
I kept myself busy
when life has its trial.

I would be a great artist
If only i could sit still,
If only i could give myself permission to stop,
To pause long enough to create
Without this rush
Without this never ending, unceasing drive
To be finished already
To be on to the next thing...
This feeling
That im already too late
For action
For life
For love
For now....
Im too late for now!
****
Stuck on this merry go round
Which is neither merry
Nor travelling towards any destination
Except my inevitable death...
I consume my life with things not done
With what I should be doing but am not...
In the minutie of banall tasks
While the joy, light and colour of my life remains unpainted.
Just melancoly ideas
On a canvas strewn with trivialities....
Maybe this is my life?
The sum of these random scrawls which somehow spells the shadow of the word "trauma".
I sit in a pool of my own dissatisfaction
Waiting for... for what?
For better days?
For salvation?
To be rescued?
As i push away those who may help...
Such a strange thing
Existance
Life
Hope....

ADHD forgets to feed the fish
and when she finally remembers,
it is dead at the bottom of the tank.

Well, I suppose dead is an understatement:

a mossy film embalms the body
(at least what is left of it)
its suction-cup maw putrefied
as it suckles the sickle of death.

Half of the body is there.

Half of it has disintegrated.

Imagine existing nowhere and everywhere
all at once; microscopic remnants
defile every particle of water long after
the rest of you has vanished.

I think I’m losing my poetry.
Not in some bleak, calamitous way,
Just – I don’t know how to start anymore.

Is that the problem?
That I’m caught up in my once-upon-a-times
And my dark-and-stormy-nights?
Maybe.

Or. I’m trapped in my metaphors.
Even – I’m tangled in my analogies.
Trying to tap the trees of every experience I’ve ever had and
Bleed them for all their meaning.
Picking up each imperfect seed of memory and desperately
Injecting their cores with GMO/Pesticide/Make this Matter/Juice.

This cyclical little life of mine is whirling too quickly,
My tail is tying knots in my intestines.
I can see the nape of my neck approaching in the distance,
Time taps her toes on my scaled sloping back and tsk-tsks not long now.

I keep on asking her what the countdown is for.
She checks her watch and smiles.

Will I ever not be excited to meet myself?
Will I ever stop expecting a knock at the door, to find myself on the other side, saying
“Hello, it’s so good to finally see you!”

Is there a part of me so removed from the paths I have taken
That is doing everything it can to make its way back to me?
Is she a lover I have forgotten too soon?

Will I no longer await the arrival of someone new
To join me behind the mirror and let me absorb
Enough of her newness to be considered whole?

When do I become
me?