Do you need me, in the lonely hours of the night?
Let my love consume you, and your soul will be at ease.
With the a swift touch, the feeling of your affection, I beg of you, don’t be a tease.
As I lie awake and think of you at night,
I feel fine, everything’s alright.
Your touch makes me feel like the only girl in the world,
I know that’s not true, you’ve got your way around,
putting the other girls’ minds in a whirl.
I get excited when you come to my window at night, to see your eyes gleaming in the moonlight.
But your breath reeks of *** Spice, i’m gasping for air as your hands around my neck grow tight.
  
Your words that hurt me are forgotten as I feel your kiss against my neck.
The sensation you give me, makes me feel like I can fly,
But the days your hands find their way arond my neck, all I want to is die.
I know you love me, I know that you do.
You only forget to love me on the nights you’ve had a few.
The next day you always approach me at school, full of apologies.
I lie and say there’s no excuse for your atrocities.
You know I love you too much to let you go,
This thing I’ve called love has kept me at an all time low.
  
You call me at night, say you need to see me.
You tell me to be quiet, as you force me down and kiss me slowly.
With the smell of Mike’s prominent on your breath,
All I can think about is my time of death.
You never love me when I ask you to, you act like it’s a chore,
But you expect me to respond to your beck and call when you come knocking at my door.
Physicality isn’t another word for love, you only use me when you feel unwanted;
I want you all to myself, but you make me feel disheartened.
The love you give me is not from within, but the alcohol that reeks off of your skin.
As I stand at the top of the bridge, jump, drop my weight, go down full throttle.
You take a smooth sip from your brown rimmed bottle

We were laying there naked and intertwined
I remember your arms  wrapped around me
Holding me close.
I had been blessed
With a false sense of security
For just only a moment in time
I come in closer
As you kiss the top of my head
I playfully tease you
And you tenderly hold my face
And in a split second
The stinging red appears
And I called it love

Turn back the clocks
Take me back to that one night
Four dates in, you called me at midnight and told me to look outside
Standing by your car, you asked
me to go on a drive
I was so young and innocent
Just happy to be by your side

Two weeks after that night
We’re official and flying high
A knock at my door, you showed up with a gift bag
I cried at the surprise, a baby blue instax
I went home with you that night
and never once thought to look back

Three weeks later
I said “I love you” for the first time
I was scared it was too soon
Then you kissed me and said it back
That night we danced in your living room
I was clumsy but you held me tight
Whenever I questioned your love
I took my mind back to that night

Two months later
We’re having our first fight
You lost your temper and
I just stayed quiet
You slam the door behind you and go on a long drive
You came home and said, “I’m sorry.”
and I said “We’ll be alright”

Three months later
I’m smoking with you on your front steps
You passed me your lighter
The taste of bourbon on both our breaths
Tears slid down my face
as you told me you missed your ex
Both our broken hearts were aching but
I wouldn’t give up on you yet

Four months later
I’m still trying to make it work
Most days were perfect
but the bad days were just the worst
Cause you never pulled your punches
You never tried to tame your temper
I hid so many bruises
From you unleashing your anger

Five months later
We’re at the theater two days after another fight
That day went so well,
it was your treat for date night
It was the first time you kissed me
out in public, in plain sight
The only time it felt like you were proud to be by my side

But six months later
You dropped me off at my brother’s house
With a hug and a kiss, you said ‘I love you’ and you walked out
I didn’t know it was a kiss goodbye
Didn’t know it was all just a big lie
Cause you called the next day
and you said we’d run out of time

One week later
On the floor in my bathroom
So empty and hopeless
I attempted to make it my tomb
22 years played on rewind
As you crushed my last will to fight
You screamed abuse into the phone
As I attempted to say goodbye

Two hours later
You put the nails in my coffin
I gave you my everything
But you still tossed me out in the end
You were almost the death of me
I tried so hard but I can’t pretend
My universe imploded as a dull knife ripped my skin

A cold hospital bed
Your words swirling in my head
A small bandage bleeding red
I just wanted to be dead

I tried to help you but at what cost?
You weren’t the only thing I lost
My nightmares this day will forever haunt
You put me through hell and just moved on

My life unraveling like thread
I can’t believe this is the end
Every excuse I now rescind
Left alone and hopeless once again

All your promises revoked
Gone like your cigarette smoke
You knew you were my only hope
I had nowhere else to go

All of your abuse,
I loved you so much so I excused
Lasting wounds serve as the proof
I tried to help but what’s the use

Abusers never admit abuse
You can’t keep running from the truth
Your words choked me like a noose
Second best, now I know I was used

Six months later
now I can see you for what you are
New perspective gave me clarity, I should never have let things go that far
I made you too many false excuses cause I didn’t want us to part
But now that your raging storm has passed, I don’t need you
I’m going to reclaim my heart.

-E.

I jump off of the train into the arms of the adrenaline that I crave. He is the poison that makes me feel alive. I keep jumping off of more trains, trying to catch the high. Falling into the arms of adrenaline  once again. He pulls me down and leaves me with bruised limbs. And the angel that saves me again and again  whispers soft words Into my broken mind. Her words flow as she tells me that it isn’t the adrenaline that I want most.  It’s the antidote. And I looked up poison in the dictionary and found your name. You were just another train. All you do, my darling, is cause more pain.

One day your memory
Will be so distant
That I’ll have to reach and reach
To picture your face.
That thought used to terrify me
And now it gives me peace
When I can’t sleep at night.

i’m not your toy. My emotions aren’t a game. But i let you use me and that’s a shame. So turn around leave me behind.  i’ll leave without you and repair my mind.
i’m damaged enough one more look could ****.
My heart is racing but my feet stay still. i want you the moment you look away.
i regret it all. i promise i won’t be so hurt, i swear i won’t fall.
i won’t give up on us i’m not a quitter. Little do i know, to you i’m just a cake that now tastes bitter.

Do not spit in the well - you might be thirsty by and by.

what you see:
me, quiet and deadly still in a way that
i never am
staring into empty space or
at a blank wall. maybe i'm
counting cracks or cataloging creases.
you see me zone out—
such an airhead, that George is
i wonder what he's imagining

what i see:
ivory skin and hair as orange as
sunset, and she is as beautiful...
on the outside;
but on the inside, she is a
black hole.
she ****** me in
and i thought she was the light
at the end of the tunnel.
i must have been a traveller
stranded and thirsty in the desert
crawling towards mirages.
now i am helpless.

i am watching her line her legs with ink
as she tells me to make sure that she
doesn't line her legs
with blood.
meanwhile, i scratch deep
at an itch that isn't there
and call it catharsis.
i am seeing white tiles and
a translucent shower curtain and
a sink and soaps and everything is
normal—except the girl
sitting in a bathtub
naked without water
and bare skin has never made me feel more
ill.

what you hear:
ambient sounds.
my breathing, perhaps.

what i hear:
she hums like a Disney villain
brewing potions
and calling it tea. she looks
like a princess
but her words are witch's curses
and i'm hexed
under her spell,
hanging by a thread
to every word she's ever said
and somehow not noticing
the noose she looped around my neck.
darling, choke me
'til I can only breathe as well as your drowning lungs
as you gasp into your oxygen mask

what you see:
i'm having a panic attack.

what you hear:
i'm hyperventilating.