dear basil,

i know long distance is the bane of your existence
and you feel like the only person that understands you is
more than 1000 miles away
(maybe that's true)

i also know that you are cursing yourself at 3am
for wanting to be held
thinking that means you are toxic and codependent
but it's OKAY to want love
(i promise)

it's okay to cry yourself to sleep sometimes
because loving across distance is hard and painful
as long as you pick yourself back up in the morning
do your skincare routine, feel beautiful
sing to yourself, be whimsical
smile at strangers, wear your heart on your sleeve
(your heart is not broken, just tired)

but you can do it
live in text messages and phone calls
write letters, send care packages
until you can kiss his soft lips goodnight
every. single. night.
(it will be worth it)

(i promise),
basil

I untether whatever hasn't been bereft of me
I still love you more than anything
Mortally wounded
I apparently suffer this alone
Now reduced to basic instinct
Flaunting youre new Bo and
Youre infidelity has introduced
A ****** of crows
Cawing circling darkening
Taunting me
Fading.............hating  the fact that i love how easily i can go back to killing.
Affixed motionless
I coalesce on youre lover writhing and gurgling
Drenched in blood
Julie Andrews and I on a moutain top in an alpine meadow
Whimsically prancing and twirling
At the opening of our new show
The sound of revenge
Im giddy with glee and watching it play out in 3D
Its seems so real its surreal
Im all giggling because i can actually feel the drying blood
Its itching
So thick its cracking
This is not a confession
Any circumstances construed
Cant be used against me
I dont even like smith an wesson
Coincidental
Surrounded by the blood curdling cathedrals of woe
Dont it make my my blue eyes black
Oh my worlds enraged my final act
Im playing the lead........................show time baby
I cant ****** wait .......this is what i was born to be
Im gonna **** it...............
**** it ......****   ....it.........?

Cut.......yah  
CUT CUTCUTCUT
NO wait .stop filming.........need some coaching.............helo?
have i become the person ive created for this
...................show?
wait is this really me
Is this a movie?
And so typical with such elegant and perfect timing
My Mother comes back from the grave to haunt me
"Darling ,.  My little Angel is this how i taught you to behave?
REALLY?
Ok    ok .......
Its more of a feeling and not really an independent voice
Autonomously speaking to me from within my head
K that would be crazy
That being said ...............
Like watching salinity and fresh water congeal
So lucidity and reality slowly aligned
Apologised and gifted me back
My sanity
And if there is one thing my momma taught me
"Baby boy .......life is gonna get tough .....people can be so strange
Dont you ever run from anything .even if it means you give in some times ...........its what they believe ............
Doesnt mean necessarily true.so if its what you need let the fools believe .........but only briefly ........you choose .......you live
Use the pain they wrongly inflict on you.
To keep the wounds fresh and strengthen you
Dont you be weak .......ever......look at me ! Hey!
I wont always be here .please i need to know you understand
.........AAYYAND.hey   youre gonna be ok .

Pick your battles My Son ............its not just cause im youre mom
There is no one else on this earth lke you .
People have told me this they can see it too .
Be good in this life .be honest and gentle
Be humble above all be cool
If a woman could see the real you they would never leave you .
Remember the word sonder i taught you?
Just because you love someone more than life itself and are willing to do exactly everything they ask of you.and treat them better than they deserve dosnt mean that they have to love you too.
Because who knows what theyre life has been like
So unfortunately for them they abuse you and it will hurt when they loose you dont let it confuse.............
TOO LATE  MOM.
IN retrospect i realized i had been obsessing  
And so.........
Tearfully removing myself from view
Furthermore release my entitleship to you
step down from my throne
I relinquish this crown
I will wait here
Untill there is nothing left
under this blanket................of agony
Fully knowing it shouldn't bring me pleasure what ever pain
You gifted me even everything you denied tried to pretend and
Actually cant remember
That fool will do unto you in full measure
Then hopefully youll see ill be here waiting to hold u.
Oh .....and in case you didnt know .....
I wont even say i told you  ...

At forty-four years old you’re as graceful as a palm tree;
Grapes, with their lushness, have nothing on your lush body;
A thousand faces light up at the sight of your smile;
Roses for smell, apples for taste, and your touch
Brings warmth. The cosmic rays are dim and lifeless
But the colors in your eyes are bright and alive.
Your neck is like Trajan’s victory column, long,
Elegant and beautiful with the carvings around it
Mona Lisa is pleasing to the eyes, yet mine long
For the viral grace of your ***** and mature curves;
Diamonds with all their glory are not as tempting as you,
with your gray, enchanting hair and laughter lines.
My love is round and plump at four and forty
Years old, with ******* that refuse to sag with age.

What I think and feel in my head is very clear.
It's the truth.
But when I say it, it always comes twisted out of my mouth.
It always comes out als lies.

I woke up in the afternoon
Missed myself the morning train
It's the second one that I've missed
Since I tried to get going around 6am

I can't keep my eyes from tearing
My hands from doing their not-so-cool shakes
I reach into my pockets for something
That just feels a little bit like yesterday

I can hear the whistle blowing
From outside my apartment door
I believe for the first time
Maybe I should drive to work

We missed each other's calls from last night
I counted the minutes that passed,
I drank myself a thirty-three year old brandy
I stole from my parent's liquor cabinet.

The 10:00am buzz to get me right
Started for, is it Saturday?
I don't drink but to remember
I drink to remember the pain.

A .44 at close range
My heart skips with great excite,
The bullet-proof vest I wear when I'm shot
May barely not save my life.

I've grown tired off waiting for the beach
I swim with sharks blacked out in the dark
Playing dares with Sarah Marie.
Until the wild Pacific digs its first row of teeth into me.

My heart was in despair
For the lives that were shed
For fulfilling what they oath
But all turned to naught

44 were sent to the battleground
With their hearts, so brave and strong
Hearts full of hope
And prayed to be saved by God.

But the dark battle came
Gunshots were everywhere
One by one they had fallen
Helpless, defenseless, breathless.

The nation mourned
For the bravest warrior were dead
The fallen 44 who gave their lives
To save the country from the hell of fire.

Prayers and salutes were given
Flowers and songs of bravery
They will never be forgotten
And forever they will linger here.

Fallen 44, you're all safe now
From all the pain and darkness
Heroes that made us proud
Your names will stay, untainted, untouched.