I personally feel as if the technology we need to change the world in poverty and death. Has been available in our grasp for years on end, yet they pretend as if the advances don't exist slowly progressing their strategies one at a time. Introducing the next "big thing" one after the other creating the hunger for constant production. Now a days in 2015 we're so infiltrated  by deception never seeing the larger picture of what's coming for Us. Muse (band) and a few other alternative rock groups open my eyes to discover hidden truths within myself. Realizing there are no significant differences in you and me. Seeing the world as a industry no longer looking through the lenses of morality.

Writing these scriptures down into my personal bible, pictures so vivid describing the pain and hunger for Attention and Love. Every window that opens I throw myself into it giving it my all Yet as my effort increases the chances of me finding true comfort and stability continue to decrease. Ending with the thought to end it all. Becoming cold hearted and bitter towards whoever would bother to reach out or call. Never seeing the Truth in the Gift that was given at times I ponder my mothers decision. Weight of the world on her shoulders I can only imagine at 18, the struggle of Young marriage without having your parents permission. Along side raising 2 children.

I relax
Staring at the moon
Reflective beginnings

This is a day unlike no other
Before the dawn
Before the first zip or button
is fastened

The clothes lay at the end of the bed
Pregnant with possibilities

Step aside slumber
I'm awake
and feeling reborn

No second chances
It's now or never
No time for regret;
Endeavour

Empyrean ocean
sifting silken under moonlight.
Pure and dawn the memory of bonfires
and hymns passing like fading auras
echoing into the firs.
I sit on a lawn chair whiskey in hand
head loosely let back
while we wait for the end of one year
and the start of another.
Drunken voices speak
faint topics inside the cabin a few meters off,
it's silent here a picture settling
over our temporary breath of history,
smoke escaping our lips and entering
the haze of reminisce.
Fire crackling contained roars warmth
like freckled arms laced around our skin
and eyes heavy set in the sheath of heat
resounding the field
while winter's dew is pollinating the lawns.
Celebration on all corners of the world
Big Apple bumper to bumper
metropolitan hysteria
TEN
I'm smiling
NINE
the crowds gathered around palettes burning
to ash like the universe
EIGHT
sparklers lit small stars
fizzling dancing midst the embers
SEVEN
I'm dying beautifully
SIX
You are too
FIVE
Indonesian Summer on the horizon it's all
so hopeful and you can't help but think idealistically  in times like these
FOUR
take a break from the bombs and the wars
for oil or in the name of god and let the air soak through your lungs
refreshing the world refreshing our youth
THREE
we have so much time soon to be so little
it all goes by too quickly somehow
TWO
our eyes are gleaming
lips wide in radiance
kisses kissed hearts lifting
up in flame
ONE
what will we be another year from now?
where is it we cry next?
who and where is our next great love?
how do we hurt and when?
what does it take to recover?
I'm sure we'll find a way
it's only a few hours to morning now
always is somewhere I suppose
and here starts a new odyssey,
everything is getting older
and newer all at once,
the fire is still glowing.
Nirvana goes on dancing
inside us.

"I've worked too hard & long to let
anything stand in the way of my happiness...
I love you, Emily."
-His Senior Quote 2014

"Bet."
-My Senior Quote 2015

There is something about this sadness. Something comforting. It is honestly I will never come to understand. I remember this time last year was when it all started. When I realized I wasn't just sad. I remember thinking "I'm sure I will be back to normal sometime soon." And yet I still stand here a year later. I felt this way for 5 months. In March the sadness had finally calmed down. Let me be alone for a while. But it didn't stay that way for long. 3 months past and I loose my first and real best friend. Not in a death way. In more of a "they found better people" way. I remember trying to hold my tears back while I saw him out in public. I got stood up by the one person I thought would never leave me. In the blink of an eye I was alone again. I remember coming home and my family reviving a door slamming rather then a "I'm back." I locked my door and cried for hours on end. I remember the feel of the cold metal to my skin. This feel of relief that I had completely forgotten. It was amazing but terrible at the same time. I felt okay I found comfort from harming my own body. But I also felt bad because I shouldn't need a blade for comfort. I should not need to feel pain to feel loved. July I hadn't been a day clean sense the loss of my best friend. I remember all that was in my mind. I would think myself into these terrible situations. I would set outside on a blanket alone and listen to sad songs and hope it could some how feel this void. This empty feel I had. August School is almost here. Which means being around my former best friend. Just the thought of having to act like I was never forget sent a shiver down my spine. It also meant shopping for clothes. This is also the time I realized I was not okay with my weight. When I tried on that first pair of size 15 pants I could have chocked when they fit almost perfect. I went to school only to have him ignore me even more. I thought he was mad at me for whatever reason I will never know. September I make a new friend. Her name is Lindsay and she is amazing. We get close over the course of a week. She makes me feel alright with myself. She makes me feel not alone. October. I get message at 2:36 A.M. from my former friend. "Wake up, it's question time." He asks why I push him away. I respond with an "I'm sorry I thought that's what you wanted." We talk for hours as if nothing ever happened. October 11th I get a boyfriend. He is the sweetest person I have ever talked to. I have just never met him. He makes me feel like I am perfect. October 31st. I am 2 months clean and proud. November. Family gets loud and the voices in my head get even louder so loud to the point of wear I can't even think straight. November 10th 60 pills down the throat I set and wait for it to all end. I get a kik notification from my old friend. "Are you alright, something was telling me to check on you." I reply with a "yes just know I love you." I start to get drowsy and all I can remember from there is they somehow talked me out of it. I gagged myself to try and stop the pills before they can do anymore damage. My friend was sure to let Lindsay know and she told my boyfriend. She made sure I knew that what I did was not the Anwser. I went  school the next day and got a huge hug that felt like a breath of sweet relief to me. November 23rd I meet my boyfriend. I have an amazing day with him. He makes me feel loved and cherished. December. My birthday is soon And I am determined to stay here long enough for it. I feel okay. December 7th my boyfriend blocks me on every social media. Our only way of communicating is just gone. Without a trace we never fought or anything he just left. I fall back into this feeling of nothing and yet again turn to my blade. December 20th I made it, it is finally my birthday. I go out with the old friend that is the reason I am here today. We have an amazing time, I start my journey to feeling alright. Again. December 31st I go to one best friends house and we make our 12 New Years wishes when the ball drops. January I get the feeling of sadness again.I struggle my way through school and my family life. The voices get louder. I am feeling the same as I did a year ago. February 1st I write a long dumb poem that no one wants to read. And suddenly realize I never changed a bit from this time last year.

2013:
The year I graduated 8th grade
The year I went to my first real party
In 2013 I learned to braid

I told myself "Everyone leaves"
And I had my first crush.
Little did I know I was about to grieve.

2013 was the thanksgiving that I had my heart broken.
I thought I knew what hurt was
In 2013 my first real hurt was spoken

2014:
My teacher died
My church stepped down a little
My friend became a bride

I found my God.
I realized that life (love) isn't always easy
Yet every day I was awed

In May I had my best friend restored.
My heart was almost healed.
But even so, it was ignored.

I realized that everyone changes.
I decided I wanted to be a teacher.
I learned that life is not all about my own exchanges.

Present:**
Tears still fall.
Friends still leave
But all in all

I think I'm doing better
Than I was before.
I feel freed from my fetters.

My bonds that never left
That came back every day.
And I'm still bereft

Some people will stay.
This I have learned.
But I'm doing okay.

This morning I saw
A turtle dove
It flew across my path
It landed on the pavement
And then it waddled off

I wondered what it was doing
What thoughts were in its head?

'I must gather food
I must perfect my nest
I must look after my child'

I wondered as I walked
About the thoughts I possess

My family
My workplace
Society
A mess?

Would it be simpler if I were a turtle dove?

Being human means caring for everything

The sun
The sky
The earth

China doll with a porcelain white face,
How your smile is soft but fading.
Your eyes little doll, are dark and hollowed;
They speak only of a soul waning.

China doll with such dainty, fragile hands,
Why is it you stand so limply with a broken back?
I found you in the dark with hands tightly chained,
Is that how they became so bruised and so black?

China doll in your lovely yellow dress,
Your mouth was sewn shut by your owner:
She with her invisible strings became your master;
And you in your silence, her prisoner

How impeccably imperfect you are-
Your creator left a crack upon your face:

Of all the dolls she put on display,
You, China, are her special make.