I am collapsing
Thrashing
Shaking
Screaming.
In my mind.
It is the chokey
I am trapped
Trembling
Scared
Tear stained
Heart throbbing
Painfully.
A hand clasps my throat
I cannot breath
I’m blind in my terror
Words barely choke out
Help me
I’m rasping
Help me.
I look around
I have not collapsed
I am still standing
I feel as though I’ve been pulled
Back into reality.

The mornings are the same,
Nightmares and blurred dreams,
I am so heavy
I cannot lift myself from these
Sleep bound, conscious
Traps.
Struggling
To break free

My arms are so weak
They cannot bear the weight
Of my body,
I am dragged under
Held by a mighty
Rock.

I wish they’d leave me alone,
I wish that I could be in another country, thousands of miles apart.

But then I watch a video of a man crying for having cut out his father for the same reason, whose father is now dead.
Do I dare do the same thing?

When I see them, it’s all good, but when I leave them I know it was all pretend.
I’m left with a fish bone
Wedged in my throat
Boulders
Weighing heavy on my chest.
I can’t breath.
And I want to die.

Is it fair that they leave me
Feeling this way?
With guilt leaving me tripping
For days.

I am told
I’d be better off
If I cut them out of my life.

I know this, but how?
How do I cut them out.
When they’re like leaches
******* the blood out from my veins
And when I tear them off
I cry out in pain.

The people
Who I call
Mum and dad
Who I’ve been told
I should love and cherish
Are not the people that
I want to call
Mum and dad.

She chases autumn leaves
As though they’re
Wild scurrying mice,
Of brown and red,
And yellow ochre.
There’s a flurry of leaves
As she pounces onto her
Imaginary foe,
Which barely escapes.
She carefully peers beneath
Her soft playful paws.
In a whisp of crisp air,
It vanishes.

I am a balloon
entirley surrounded
by pins
any one of them might
make me burst

The silver of metal
long and sharp
Holding my breath
I wait and I wait
In static apprehension

u n f o c u s e d
camera lense,
vivid memories
blasting past becoming
the past.
can't f o c u s on the moment,
knowing,
it will become a
d i s t a n t
memory
in the future.
I need to feel
something,
anything.

destruction
floating a d r i f t
in quite darkness.
the c a l m anxiety
of an ocean
so v a s t
it's depths
sunken wrecks
drowning
drowned.