I almost knew what love was; but it killed me before it danced with me.

I tell myself I'm wiser than all these women.
A soothsayer with a mind of diamonds, crafted by pressure.
Until I realize my mistake, a mistake you inspired.
I thought you were my only regret; only I don't regret you.
I regret how I blame what I have become on you.
Do you feel an invisible weight, or the noose that connects us?
Delusions pile up to create the pillars of my empire.
A crown of thorns, and a belt of testosterone.
I carry these keepsakes like a trophy, or fingers to a serial killer.
They are proof I have won this war, it is a war that festers only in my mind.
I have sacrificed my flesh so you can never claim the pride of doing it yourself.
I lay in sheets with my head spinning, the smell of sweat and **** nestled in the pillows.
I smirked as I repeated these words to myself, "Here's to you, love."
My body became accustomed to these ritualistic sacrifices, and revenge vanished leaving only a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
I long for the day my body surrenders my heart, when my soul and body finally meld and my thoughts don't stray to you.
For the day my lips utter a name reverently instead of an empty moan.
Eventually all I can hope is for this man to cover these scars like a tattoo; a tattoo of ivy twisting until they reach the depth of my soul.

It began one dim Saturday morning:
I was the lost pilgrim around,
He was the most dignified luminary.

He turned out to be my stockholm syndrome
The closest thing I had to a light

We used to look around
Back then
We wanted to see the whole world
We wanted it all.

One morning
One sirenic morning I will always despise
We decided to look around too much
Down the street there was some goddess
She was gracious
It was nothing- yet not so pointless

From that moment on
Our string twisted
The edges grew distant

And then it happened

Oh no!

He stumbled upon the *****
Alas, that goddess who wasn't anything.
The air
It was sharp, so excruciating

The next day
I thought my system had broken
I thought my chest had burst into flames
(But I was actually overreacting a little.)

But still he is in my thoughts
I think
About how it all changed that a.m.

I am letting hope blaze

My eyes... Ouch!
When I think of that far-flung dream
The luminary and myself.

best friends can break your heart too and just as a lover might you are going to cry.
constricted chest, you are going to walk swiftly past her like she was never the one who sat in the car next to you as you cried into your knees.
you left a sweatshirt at her house and she borrowed your favorite book.
these are things you arent going to ask to have back because maybe she'll ask for you back.
you have matching names on tumblr and both of you are waiting for the other to change it to something else.
remember when you walked home with her and you picked flowers and laced them through each others hair,
remember how you two were always changing but always at the same time,
remember how she was the only one who knew how to handle your emotions.
she is gone now, and youre not exactly sure why.
maybe she needs space.
maybe you have been replaced.
maybe you became too much,
maybe she changed but this time you didnt,
maybe it was just time to let go.
either way your heart is broken and there is no one there to sit next to you in the car as you cry into your knees.

Regret has been the bane of my existence,
It has guarded me with a gilded fence.
Looking back into my past,
Wishing I would have been in a cast,
As the leading lady of my story,
Where I could show my enlightened glory,
And not the constant darkness of my mistakes,
Making the right choices would I make.
There would be no wrong,
In my Life Song.
But Mankind has a melody of good and bad,
Happy and sad,
And if I live in my past, I will miss out living in the moment,
And I am not willing to continue being my own opponent.
I will learn and I will try,
Beginning to learn about the Why.