When I was five I learnt that wide eyes weren't wise eyes

When I was seven I learnt that tears are just wasted water

When I was nine I learnt that love is as dead as life

When I was eleven I learnt that rings can be broken

When I was thirteen I learnt that friends can only speak for themselves

When I was fifteen I learnt that death is a holiday

When I was seventeen I learnt that people can be used like tools

Now I'm 19 I realise that nobody is alive like you.

It's easy to leave dead things behind.

All these odd numbers find me loving them, out of empathy, not patterns.

But the sun shines through.

When I was four I learnt that there is no warmth like two arms around you

When I was six I learnt that laughter is mighter than the lie

When I was eight I learnt that it's easy to ignore what hurts you

When I was ten I learnt that everyone wants to smile

When I was twelve I learnt that my solitude was strength

When I was fourteen I learnt that we all will forgive

When I was sixteen I learnt the flush of lipkissed smiles

When I was eighteen I learnt that scars give words more truth
And the dawn came

The sun is beautiful

Journeying through life I've learnt many many things;
I've learnt to say sorry, as well as say thanks
I've learnt to be silent, and speak when I can;
And also be friendly, with a shake of the hand.

I've learnt to be honest, both to me and to you
Be the best I can in all I think, say and do
I've learnt to cross boundaries, and also obey rules.
I've learnt to be a brother, friend, lover, even a fool

I've learnt to say "I love you" and mean it from my heart
I've also learnt to let go; although it's the saddest part
I've learnt to be faithful and loyal to the end
Above all i've learnt to seat back and enjoy having a friend

I've learnt that life teaches from both sides of the coin
Like; love when you can but let go when you should.
So I've learnt how to whisper, I've learnt how to scream
And I've learnt how to wake up and pursue my dream

I'd learnt not to trust the light at the end of the tunnel
  emotions were a bark of a dog in a kernel
which when detected I found another channel
my way of living, life has got no manual
I'd learnt to treat with suspicion the cloudy sky
from there sprouted lightning and thunder in the rain
and passion was but within freedom a camouflaged chain
I'd learnt to be my own man,to pave my way
without expecting to see another day
I'd learnt that much as she ached, patience paid
the chicken hatches twenty one if a day after her egg's laid
I'd learnt to hear what in silence they spoke
cause it was useless listening to them talk
I'd learnt to take on fate, to take charge
to pay attention,the bird's melody could be a dirge
I'd learnt to love them without blindly trusting
to see the inside beauty rather than momentary busking
I'd learnt to tell none about my hopes for my future
few thought such would be reality, not even my tutor
to just listen to my quiet and believe in God's powers
to till my garden and seed my favourite April showers
I'd learnt to smile with my teeth, as long as they're white
rather than in vain keep trying to explain my plight
to a kind who will do whatever it takes not to fathom
In a volatile electron packed world I'd always be an atom
I'd learnt , better trust instincts instead of opinions
to evade minefields and blaring missiles and canyons
I'd learnt to find pleasure in the burden of my cross
to find adventures in the risky seas of my prowess
I'd learnt to be my own man,to laugh after I've grieved
when I realised I would have lost less had I believed
By the end of the first chapter, the cruelty in the pages
I'd learnt to be brave, I'd learnt after what seemed like ages

dear mum,
i don't know when we drifted apart. it was probably eons ago when i was 7 or 8. ten years down the road and we haven't gotten any closer. do i regret not spending more time with you? not really.

i haven't been the best child. i've lied. a lot. i've broken your heart. a lot. and i've done things that you've told me not to. a lot.

i've learnt many things from you.

i've learnt to treat people the way you want to be treated. i've learnt to be sensitive of other people's feelings. and i've learnt to be kind. from you i have learnt how to care and be selfless. from you, i have learnt how to be a good person.

but i have learnt not so good things from you as well.

i've learnt to stay out of things because it's too tiring to get involved. i've learnt never to stand up for my future child when my husband is calling her useless trash. i've learnt that lying is the only way i'll ever be able to do what i want. i've learnt that if i ever want to divorce i should do it instead of hanging on for more than a decade and feeling miserable, the way you did. and still are doing.

i've learnt that the way to raise a child, is to provide for them physically then not to give a **** about their feelings.

love,
your unfilial daughter


hello dad,
it's been a while since i've ever felt any affection towards you. i think it ended the moment you started calling me idiot and useless trash. and when you ripped my dreams into shreds and forced me into the academic school of your choice.

i love how we cannot get along together without arguing at least twice a week. i love how you call me fat and compare me to my friends. i love how you have never praised me ever since i was 9 years old.

i love how you think that i still love you, when i don't.

in some twisted way you say that you love me, yet you continue to make me feel like the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. i love how you have never put 2 and 2 together to realise that the main reason why i'm always out of the house is so that i don't have to see you.

i love how dense you are. i absolutely, absolutely love how you told me my dreams are useless. i adore how you take out your anger on me, and how you never say sorry. and how you think that fat jokes are just jokes and that your insults are not hurtful.

i love how you think that with parental status, you can overwrite anything your child thinks. i love how you have taught me that the moment i become a parent, my child must do whatever i say and that i am always right, because parents set the rules. parents are gods.

you have taught me well.

-your useless trash of a daughter

The first time was in the bathroom
Of a club I was four years too young for;
Lessons would be learnt;
Bent over a broken sink;
With my face pressed against the mirror;
My mascara ran rivers down the glass
Carving lines that looked like prison bars.
With rough hands;
He reached inside me;
And broke instruments I hadn’t yet touched;
No wonder I couldn’t play love songs,
I was still learning how to make love to people I actually loved;
But my 14 years were too few to be angry
Didn’t quite know how
Didn’t know quite what he’d done;
And what that might do.
So I hid my thighs and ribs for three weeks ashamed;
My fake ID collected dust
Buried beneath my bed and self-blame.

That first encounter,
Left me frozen in an un-safe
space I couldn’t name
So I wanted time to stop its ticking,
Hold its breath and bite it’s tongue with me
An indefinite moment of silence to commemorate the crime committed,
But lessons would be learnt
As to my horror the cogs in the clocks kept rolling,
Every day since has stacked upon the last,
Racking up years
15: it took more than 365 days to dare to share the guilt,
16:  over 730 to absolve myself,
17: 1095 to say what had happened out loud.

The second time was in my kitchen,
He was a friend between blurred lines;
And ten drinks too many;
Lessons will be learnt.
I don't remember leaving with him
Or getting home.
But I’ve never known how to have *** sober so I guess it’s my fault too.
I woke up with an ache and my shoes still on.
There were no bruises; we are still friends; and I still don’t know who to blame.

The third time,
I was walking home, the air was fresh,
I had my headphones on;
Lessons would be learnt.
His fingers were dry and nails sharp as I froze;
It felt familiar;
His breath was hot;
Soaked wet with alcohol.
The bricks hit my back hard
But I like to think my knuckles hit harder.
I saw my mother the week after
I did not cry as I explained a  purple hand.
At least I had known where to aim it.

The fourth time,
I knew he was dangerous and I liked it,
Lessons would be learnt
With my hands bound above my head
He took control and mine with it;
He savoured every scream I spat;
So I, silently simmering, left my body there sickly still.
I am not a believer
but I told him he’d rot in a hotter part of hell
As he unbuckled me with a malboro red and a laugh that I choked on
So I took the cigarette and gave him a dose of what the devil will do for me,
A small vengeance that burnt like the venom in my veins

I have felt like flames so many times now
Been consumed by violent flickers,
That set this bloodied body ablaze,
But even the biggest bonfires burn out,
And I am no different
My bones are black with char like wearied wood
So when I take the train home I count my bruises;
I'm unsure which ones were left without consent.

I had learnt to love her.
As she was,
wrought with all her surprises;
when she moved in,
with her books and her vices,
I had learnt to love her.
Waking at 2,
to find her crouched by the window;
shaking her awake
as she wrestled with her ego.
Keeping my peace,
when her heart roamed town untethered;
The door clicking shut,
and at 3, I had learnt to love her.
I’ve felt her warmth against me,
even in the coldest of her nights.
I’ve caught her gazing at me;
I remember the ghost of a smile.
Nestled against each other on my warm brown couch,
listening to her verses, her secret art
Tracing our fates along the ridges of her spine,
‘I’ve learnt to love her,’ whispered my defeated heart.
I had learnt to love her when I knelt, drenched,
hugging her under the shower, dressed in my Sunday best.
And when I sat unmoving, convinced by her words,
that she had to break herself down to build herself back up.
Unable to sway her fiery soul,
I walked through the debris
scouting the wreckage of forsaken art;
shards of glass, ash, and pieces of me.
It’s dark now and I can finally see –
learning to love her was never meant for me.
Packed bags, taking everything in my world but me,
there are no words or lingering touches as she turns to leave.
Wretched and enchanted, I had learnt to love her.
Now I must learn to love myself without her.

I learnt to tie my shoes
I learnt to ride my bike
I learnt to smoke
I learnt the vulnerability of fully exposing an idea
I learnt to tie my shoes
I learnt to adapt my behavior in the light of others' actions.
I learnt the difficulty of sustaining the hopes of youth.

I remember a French girl with an English name.
'Leave me now, return tonight,' she told me every morning, and I did.

I remember an English girl with an French name.
We were the circle that no one could break, or so I thought.


Yesterday I was there.
Today I am here.
The two are light years apart.

I dance with a friend,
holding her hand realize,
how disconnected I have become,
from the simple beauty of touch.


I return and sense,
that things are not the same as before,
but feel had I stayed,
everything would likely seem the same.


Your words touch me.
Your thoughts excite me.
I want to try all that.
Explore everything with you.



Alone.
All one.


If and but and maybe and whatever.
I hate those words.


Everything doesn't have to be perfect.
To idealize is also a form of suffering.

                          
                                             ------ by Julian Hibbard



st...26 march 2014

You always wanted to hear the truth
to speak it
You adored realities and you loved hearing stories of people healing after many sufferings
You want people to always be true to you
You have a fragile soul and a loving mind
You are too good to everyone
But why did always thought you’re not enough?
When every time you failed
Every time you fell, you stumbled to the ground
You rose up stronger
better
more at peace
more calm
You cleansed yourself
and I started to admire you
I fell in love with you all over again
I respected you
There were times when I loved you more than I loved myself
You never liked yourself
But all I ever wanted was to be more like you
But that could never happen
I will never live in a time of war
I will never know what fear looks like

You are the person that always supports me
that cares for me even when I’m being arrogant
You never make me feel useless

I have learnt everything from you
I have learnt that depression is not accepting your situation , your present
I have learnt that letting go of things ,of people is something good and beneficial
I have learnt that loving people is hard and takes a lot of  work
I have learnt not to listen to these negative voices inside my mind
I have learnt to pray every time I felt scared and in periods of self doubt
I have learnt to forgive the people that don’t bring peace to my mind
I have learnt that being an independent woman will always help me in my life

I have learnt all these great things from you
but still you convince me that you are not enough
How could you think you are unnecessary
When every time I needed you
you elevated me from all this madness
you gave me sacred lessons
you told me about your childhood struggles and your adult secrets

I love you more than I did you before
more than I loved you yesterday
But forgive me if I ever made you suffer
I am a difficult human being that is hard to handle
But I promise to be better
to love myself
and to accept love from people who don’t know how to express it