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Esther Feb 2019
i just wanna curl up into a ball
wrap myself in blankets
the only safe place i've ever known

lean back
smash my head into the pillow
fall back
and sink into this familiar dark abyss

like a cocoon
but i won't emerge as a butterfly
i'll just rot here
and become a corpse.
i just can't do this anymore.

@3:39am
26/02/19
Esther Feb 2019
you're my Friday night
and i'm your Saturday morning
you seem more ideal than me
but i offer you the comfort that you need
you give me life
i give you peace.
@9:11am
29/12/18
Esther Feb 2019
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety

i can't do it
i ******* can't
i can't do anything
help
i can't breathe
help
why is the room swaying?
help
i don't want to be here
HELP
WHY CAN'T YOU HEAR ME??!?

i'm so
anxiousanxiousanxiousanxiousanxious
i tried
i really did
i wanted to make it
but i can't
the demons in my head
the demons in my life
they've got a hold of my legs
and dragged me
down
down
down
I'M DROWNING!

no it's not an excuse, a seek for attention
i. am. *******. sick.
you don't know me
you don't know what's best for me
you. are. not. me.
no i don't wanna talk to therapists after therapists
no the meds are useless
you. are. not. helping.
stop forcing me into talking and meeting people
all eyes on me
judging, hating, excluding me
i know it's all in my head
but you know what else is also in my head?
ME.
i'm feeling it all, not you.
and i don't know how to help myself...

anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
anxiety
please, *******.
it was supposed to be my first day at a new college but i had an anxiety attack and cried and ran home. i don't know what to do with myself. i am so wrong, so sick. nothing is helping. i know i am a disappointment. i am so lost in this world.
Esther Jan 2019
sometimes
before i sleep
i wish that i'd dream of you
because
in dreams
is the only place i get to see you again.
in my dreams you're touching my face
and asking me if i wanna try again with you...
and i almost do.

@12:31am
16/01/19
Esther Jan 2019
we're both preceded by our reputation

we want the sun in our face

only to turn our backs to kiss the shadows.
this ain't for the best
my reputation's never been worse, so
you must like me for me.
Esther Dec 2018
for me, i've always liked the idea of drowning

it seems so peaceful, serene

slowly sinking into the dark abyss

consumed by the water that once gave you life.
gone was any trace of you, i think i am finally clean.
Esther Dec 2018
i'm swimming
i'm swimming
i'm swimming

drinking myself into oblivion
for the third time today
i'm drowning

i'm swimming
i'm swimming
help
i can't breathe.
Merry Christmas Y'all.
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