she’s not afraid to dance
without permission. she smiles when she’s
not supposed to, hugs her friends like it’s
the last time, drops petals behind her when
she walks. every day is an adventure.

he is like the first breath
of spring after a minnesota winter. when
he laughs, snow melts away and butterflies
come out to play. knowing him feels golden;
when i count my blessings i mention his name.

i slowly watched them fall
into each other as i, mere background noise,
fell to the cold, hard ground. i break when
others say they’re perfect for each other,
because of course, they’re right.

as she paints his world
shades of lavender and yellow, i fade from his
memory like a shadow after dark. i’d like to
say the same for him of mine, but the mere thought
of him with her keeps me up at night.

the strangeness of seventeen sets in as the seasons start to shift
i am stuck in the surreal stage of dwindling childhood and attempted adulthood
contradicting feelings being meshed into one disconcertingly dysfunctional body
i feel i am incapable of fully indulging in either my youth or my approaching adulthood
i feel i am incapable of being anything at all

the naïveté of nine has faded with the wood of my windowsill and i am no longer so sure of myself
pressures of eighteen loom in my future along with deafening doubts of
both my emotional and literal abilities to provide for myself
every morning i wake up in twisted bedsheets and wonder
whether teenage me is who i always hoped she’d be, or if something went wrong along
the winding road of change and growth and weak attempts to be better

so much i wish to do, so many ghosts of the past i wish to crush
haunted by the gloom i let in at such a young age, it never truly leaves me
i wish i could stop the clock from it’s monotonous tick-tick-ticking
and i wish i could stop the sun from disappearing beyond the foggy horizon
(i have so much to learn before night falls)

white hotel sheets
summer sun dancing on my skin
waking up while the rest of the world is
sound in sleep
hot cocoa inside on a snowy day
scented candles and soft light
streaming through half closed curtains
books filled with poetry that makes you
feel like you’re floating and
songs that hug you with their words
evening walks right by the lake
and you
your arms and you
you you you

the night air is calm and cold and utterly refreshing
a break from the heavy humidity that fills my lungs throughout the long summer days
but my mind is foggy because it’s filled with thoughts of me with you
i can’t quite comprehend how you make me feel
i love the rush i get with you
but being yours is like riding a rollercoaster
right now i’m at the top just waiting to plunge down again
as exhilarating as it is
i am frightened
about how far i will fall for you

if there’s one thing you should know about me
it’s that i will hold onto an idea for a long time
i’ll engrave it to the surface of my mind
and let it sink in for a while before i twist it into something it’s not
please don’t get my hopes up just to let me down
it will take me awhile to brush off the dirt
and stand up again

the sky is a mellow orange and
my heart is fuller than it’s ever been  
an overwhelming sense of gratefulness
washes over me like the waves onto the sand
looking over at you i realize that in this moment
i have everything i’ve ever wanted
everything i’ve ever worked for
i am finally content with who and where i am
life is still messy but it’s perfect
it’s authentic and it’s beautiful
and there’s nothing else i need but
to sit here with you listening to soft songs
and soaking up the smell of the trees
mixed with the ocean breeze

thoughts flood my mind like a rainstorm in the spring
they’re dark and loud and leave everything muddy
once they pass it’s sunshine and dandelions but
only for a while because soon the clouds roll around
and it happens all over again
it’s hard for people to understand why one moment
it’s pouring and the next the sun is shining
and believe me, i’d like to know too

i’m still trying to figure myself and my mind out