What I would give;
To show you mountains and canyons and streams,
To watch you slip away into a dream,
To get lost in all this reality,
To see your mind truly set free .

What I would do;
To show you how to live,
To watch you become creative,
To get a taste of your incentive,
To see your mind'sperspective .

What can I say;
To show you that I'm here,
To watch you take my hand and come near,
To get you too understand that I'm sincere
To see you accept me, forever, my dear ?

Laying in bed, I breathe out a sigh
For your head lays across my stomach
Just below where he would lie.

And though you say you want to fully understand
The deepness of my sigh,
To do that would drive you from my hands.

Because you would lose your mind before you began to comprehend mine
And dear,
I don't think I'm prepared for you to leave tonight.

But maybe if you give me your best,
I'll let you fall into
My heaving, sunken chest.

if i were to write you, you'd be
misspelled words
sloppy handwriting
slashed out sentences
unformed thoughts
and simple ideas never fully pulled together

It's nearly 3 in the morning
I'm still awake
And ****,
I'm still thinking about your eyes.

Bruises covered with foundation
Long sleeves to hide hand prints and finger grips
When people ask
She always tells the story
"Oh he was just playing, he's too sweet to mean it."

But I never thought that I
Would be the one telling myself this story
In hopes I can convince my mind the same

It hurts
Because,
Calling you "my love"
Doesn't seem
Strong enough
Anymore.

Surprise
I wrote about you
Once again

I'm in my backyard
spinning wildly
around and around and around
shouting lyrics out to the sky.

I am free again
the grass pressed against my back
every flower grows above me
and I am alright with growing smaller
shrinking myself into the leaves
and I am flying.

I'm in my backyard
spinning wildly
shouting lyrics to our song
and I'm starting to stumble over the words
and my own feet
but at least I'm beginning to forget who you were
and I feel alright.

There is nothing more peaceful
than this gentle park
during the earliest morning hours
between midnight and daybreak.

Stumbling out a cracked window
to find serenity and answers in dimly flickering street lamps
and dew stained grass.

Walking along the evenly spaced trees
looking up towards branches
sprouting spring leaves like fingers against a dark sky.

The pale moon emitting a walkway against the sidewalk
leading towards abandoned swing sets
and benches waiting for the next day visitors.

These benches know all,
hearing stories of sorrow and romance
exchanged between couples-
offering comfort oddly through steel bars.

There is nothing more calming
than this last park bridge
at 3 in the morning.

I only write letters to you when the leaves change colors,
My mood starts to bend as the winter wind blows in.
The gardens are wilting but I'm steadily growing,
Rising higher as the sunset comes earlier.
Do you think the snow will come this year?
Will it feel like home used to?
Upwards on the map where winter is a battle between the sun and the moon;
Winds chill bones, rattle teeth, and shake hands.
Will the paved streets sparkle with ice as the midnight hour creeps across the sky?
Think of me when you sit by the bonfires
Friends will laugh along and music will dance in the smoke,
But will it still feel like fall without me there?

I was a strawberry chapstick
And you kept your lips dry
Rough like bark splitting into my skin
A sensation I never attempted to remedy with my balm.

I was a beach wave
Softly toppling across the sand
Rolling over and over until I became at the horizon again
And you were a sand castle
One which I kept pressing against
Never meaning to ruin a master piece but persistent enough to create a diamond of your dirt.

I was the falling leaves
All shades of amber and chestnut mixing together into the golden wonderland of the season
But you didn't like the way I killed your grass
You were a rake
All sharp teeth piercing into my stems
Pressing me together pile after pile lining your garden
Suffocating in plastic bags dying out and colors fading.

I wanted a love made of reds and yellows
Shining glows and warm fires
Everything seemed so simple
Until I learned that your love was made of blues and purples
A soft shimmer of coals burning out
We were thoroughly antithetical.

As night became and daytime was lost,
There was a simple pleasure in the air
And we became a flurry of hands and lips and skin.

As morning broke and the moon said goodbye,
A chill crept along the grass
And we became a rush of clothes and coffee and car keys.

As afternoon so suddenly was there and the morning whispered farewell,
Came the instantaneous surge of the people in the streets
And we became a standstill of stares and worries and send offs.

I doodled a mini solar system on my homework today
It made me think about your eyes.
I want to travel through space and never come home
Go to the moon and never worry about the absence of gravity because your mind pulls me in just the same.

I always saw a fascination in the stars, the far away galaxies
Your eyes, the creases in your hands
The way these all formed together in a constellation
Exploding with stellar being
Everything about you was celestial.

Hours studying Zodiac signs left me empty
I needed to find myself in your solar system
Forcing life onto other planets
Deserted meteors I saw in your mind
I wanted to restore you.

As I looked to you I felt ablation
My mind melting away the ideas of horoscopes
Making room for you and your astro being
Never once wanting any sort of apastron
I awaited the chaos.

You are an evolved star
Burning out slowly, ever so
Sinking to be extragalactic
A place I never imagined
I was far from extraterrestrial.

But orbiting around you I felt the brightness of our galactic halo
Pushing deeper to reach your nucleus, I became your gravity
As one, our luminosity pressed tightly on all sides
Forcing darkness to disband, a large nova exploding from us
And now we are an elliptical galaxy.

I stopped writing for awhile
For I had started to forget
Forget what it was like to
Be left alone again.

After you had left I was abandoned
With my own thoughts I had to write
A love as pure as you is something I cannot find over night.

And for some time I was there
Stuck in desperation for a little more
Left to try and repair my body
My life stuck in a repetitious bore.

But slowly I pulled myself out
Finding serenity through friends
Peace of mind came quickly, easier
I found that my thoughts of you came to an end.

I participated, I went out
I let others hold me as you once did
And slowly I found life less lonesome
To open up and be happy again.

But once more you came back knocking
With hopes to drag me in
And in my foolish glee, I accepted
And I went spiraling down again.

I got caught up in speaking with you
Then forgot that it would soon end
For when you got what you had wanted
I was left alone to fend.

I'm quick to jump to conclusions:
Maybe I could get you back again
Or I could always turn and find it easiest
To stay laughing with my friends.

But we both know that I won't choose the latter
I'm weak and foolish to try to crawl back
But that never matters
*For I'm addicted to your attention
And I slip down at your suspension.

It's nearly 6 a.m.
and I'm still awake-
My head pushed against your pillow, because mine's fallen to the floor.
You're still slightly snoring,
Still snoozing softly,
and I am filled and I am happy.

It's dark outside, I'm waiting on sun to seep through your blinds
I suppose it's going to be cloudy today-
But I can still see your slumber;
The way your chest rises and falls with my breath,
Your eyelids flutter slowly in tune to the dreams dancing across your head.
I stroke your hair and your fingers twitch gently against my arm.
I never want to fall back asleep,
I am entranced by your dormancy.
Looking at you makes me feel everything I've ever wanted all at once.

The alarm clock sounds
and I'm just starting to doze off
But you're rolling over-
Arms wrap around me, pulling me closer
and I can't tell if I'm smiling at you or in my dream
But I am so happy in our small moment.

Please press snooze
I need you to sleep with me now.

Nostalgia crashed head on-
Its headlights seared into my eyes and blinded me as I drove 80 down the rainy highway.

The roads have always been in this same spot,
But 3 months ago my stomach didn't flip and flutter as I rounded each corner
Every sign didn't glow as bright red as they do right now,
And the letters STOP seem to mean something more than a sturdy press on the brakes.

These streets look different from behind a steering wheel..
Do I miss sitting on the passenger side, legs crisscrossed on the seat, staring out the window at the stretch of nothing
Or do I miss the one who always drove the car-
Route memorized, something I could never catch the hang of,
I always miss this exit, he never thought twice about which one it was.

I wonder if I can race nostalgia past the stop lights,
Fly by when it flashes neon green-
It's all meant to be left in the past anyways.

I can’t shake the feeling that we are not
Finished.
Like I’ve been writing a story, but can’t type the
Ending.
Conversation with you is short, and mostly
Halted-
By your spacious replying and conversation
Unexciting.

One part of me wants nothing left to do with you,
While another begs you to pick up the phone so I can hear hello.
One part of me wants to delete your number and text threads,
While another adds an extra heart by your name and changes the pictures.
One part of me wants to give the other guy a chance,
While another feels guilty since there was no proper ending.

Letting go seemed easy while I wrote it all out
But then came time to conclude this poem

Bad habits form like sins
Less than a month and you’re already stuck
It’s from the moment you begin
.
Some say they can be broken- with some discipline
But knowing the type of person I am, my body would erupt
Bad habits form like sins
.
A few uneasy starts and you’re already hooked- much like heroine
Simple reasoning, and I can deduct
It’s from the moment you begin
.
Other routines start to seem so foreign
When your dance with the devil begins to corrupt
Bad habits form like sins
.
Your everyday life will start to fall apart, left in ruins
The time you got hooked will leave you dumbstruck
It’s from the moment you begin
.
You can sit and search for hours of the origins
But still fail to see the beginning of this misconduct
Bad habits form like sins*
It’s from the moment you begin

You are the **** in my garden
Unlike anything I wanted to plant
I never intended for you to invade

I want to dismantle you petal by petal
Picking through your mind
Plucking you out of my thoughts

Most gardeners would tell me to rid myself of you
A nuisance in the garden of my mind
Pushing past all other beautiful blooms
Making yourself seen and known
But I don't mind, I'd always preferred dandelions over roses.

It’s not always that I’m reminded of the fun we had
Only sometimes when I let myself go
Deep into my memories, most have faded away
But a few remain

Some arguments, lots of jokes and laughs, a few nights in tears
And all that’s fine
It’s just the less I know of you now the more it all seems faked
Is my mind playing another trick on me
Or is that just you

Again, I fall deep into my memories
Why do you block the exit?

I'm lost in the city
But I'm taking my time
The streets keep talking to me
They're asking how everyone can spend so much time looking down and straight ahead
When a whole world grows rapidly above them

Buildings grow into the stars
A new styled solar system
They dance among the clouds
Wisping fluffs of greys and whites
When I look, I know that I want to be where it all connects

I am gliding down hills
I am fumbling through crosswalks
I am slipping past street signs
because I can't keep my feet on the ground and my head from that new world

I crave to stain your lips with my name
Easing every syllable, vowel, and consonant across your tongue
Excavating into the base of your throat
Edging through your lungs
Becoming your every breath and sigh alike.

I desire to drip my mind down your back
Lacing every thought I can through the notches of your spine
Allowing ideas to glide across tranquil shoulder blades
Enable my intellect to become your most sumptuous support system.

I necessitate tracing my soul across your collarbone
Purr my subconscious into the deepest crevices of your chest
Inspire my pneuma up and down your incomparable neck.

I can make you feel meaningful again,
Touch me so I don't feel so empty anymore.

I want to stain your lips with my name
Drip my mind down your back
Trace your collar bones with my soul.

Please touch me so I don't feel so ******* empty.

I used to love change
Always wanted something different
Something new
Until I met someone who craved change, too

Until I fell in love with you
Who was quickly bored of tedious routine.

Then is when I started fearing change
There was always the reality that you would need
Something different
Someone different
Something different
Something new

I fell in love with changing never
I am still in love with the boy that faded

I’m drinking warm pumpkin harvest tea outside in the chill of an early October night,
Curled up under a star less sky.
A warm flannel
that previously belonged to a boy I once loved deeply,
but now become panicked at the sound of his very voice.
And
I’m wondering how I made it eighteen years
without breaking.
And
It may have just been because I was destined to feel what right now feels like.
To take in every bit of emotion my few senses can absorb
68 degrees curling around every inch of exposed skin
Rough concrete pressed against my body
The sweet scent of moon flowers lingering through my lungs
A lone street lamp flickering at the end of my neighborhood.
I can make it another eighteen years,
If only to be promised to experience this night in this very same way again.

I whisper to him
"Speak to me-
Speak to me in the language that I do not."

He breathed into the darkness
"Mi amor, tú eres el fuego"

I stop him and tell him
"No, do not tell of my being;
Speak of things arbitrary to me-
Make me fall in love with a useless conversation."

He is silent as he loops his gentle fingers roughly through my belt loops, pulling me closer
Until our bodies are one
His lips press to my collar bone
He opens his mouth and burns the sentence into my skin
"Mi amor por ti es el fuego.."

And here, I fall in love with his fire.

It is so easy to drain a writer of all emotion
Pushing every ounce of energy into their work,
It only takes a small pinch to make every feeling flow from their veins
Every once beautiful word drip past their lips down their throat
Choked in the bottom of their stomach
Creating empty shells of someone who could once let every piece of their soul drip down a pen soaking paper by paper
Once letting notebooks fill with blood of the mind
creating art so effortlessly
Now becomes a pain
It is so easy to make a writer feel gone.

Tell me how you miss me
Show me your sweet agony
Express your love once more to set me free

Read me your lies
Try your hardest to make me fine
Murmur your final sweet goodbyes

Wandering hands
fingers tracing spines
sliding up
grazing bases of necks
shivers
gripping shoulder blades

Wandering hands
fingers combing through hair
sliding down
grazing bases of necks
twists
grasping hair

Wandering hands
have a way of getting lost
tracing rivers tracing spines
down the body, ravine racing breath
the mind; the only map
using the memory of freckles and goosebumps and skin and bone
wandering hands create adventure.

There are going to be times where you'll feel like you'll want to change yourself
don't.
Even if it's to be a better person
don't.
Because right when you feel like you're about to change everything around
and have found just the right thing to help you along
something bad will happen again
and the you that cared
won't.

I am brutally falling for you.

I scar my knuckles with bruises as I grip your hand in mine
Hoping to never let you go.
Break my teeth keeping jealousy at bay
Trying hard not to let you hear the worst of what I should say.
Slice my tongue against your skin
Attempting to breathe in every bit of you while I still can.

I break my bones holding on so tight each night
Only to repair and prepare for when you leave each morning.

On my bookshelf sits a cup of cigarettes,
Menthols-
But I’m not a smoker.
Every now and then I pull out my lighter
Take a few drags
And curse at myself for letting go once again-
But I’m not a smoker.
And it’s not an addiction.
It’s simply lost willpower
Letting myself drop the promises I make to myself
To sit and smoke a few
Taste the burnt mint roll across my tongue-
But I’m not a smoker.
I always buy a new pack
When I notice the cup running low,
Never let it empty completely
That would mean I smoke-
But I'm not a smoker.

do you remember
sitting on the trampoline
deep into the night
hours unknown but the moon told us his story
used the stars as his main characters
and the sun as his lover

do you remember
counting blades of grass
watching the patch of dirt grow larger
as you pulled each peice of green seperate from the earth
but got sad when i yanked the dandelion from the ground
and tossed it into the driveway

do you remember
how cold the lake water was on my hands
and how the trees seemed to have more of a conversation than we did
although the park bench was fine in the moment
your friends couch was where i felt we should stay
and in the morning i couldnt remember the silence from before

do you remember
feeling like there was no end coming fast without reason
feeling like each day could be something new for us
feeling like you did on drunken nights laying on that small mattress

do you remember feeling

Jaded seemed to be your favorite word
I sometimes made myself laugh at the idea
Of keeping a count of how many times I heard the word slip out of your mouth.

I wasn't ready

Sudden change
That's what happens to people who get jaded as easily as you do
I didn't count on a forever, but
I didn't anticipate the sudden stop.

I expected more
Sleepless nights curled up against your back
Running my fingers across your shoulder blades
Tracing your spine as you slept
Kissing the sleep from your lips
Fixing your hair before you go to work
Coffee and Scrabble
Art museums and Monet
Guitar picks scattered across my floor
Countless nights of new movies
Long drives in your broken car
And listening to your favorite songs that I never could remember the words to.. but kept on my playlist anyways

I didn't prepare myself for a final night
Last kiss
See you later hug
Erasing future plans
Letting go of the love I still had left for you
Wondering if there will be another chance.

"What are you thinking?"
"... Now what?"

I miss last summer
And mattresses on the floor
And empty liquor bottles
And coming back for more.

I miss the beginning
How strange it might have seemed
That the adventures I now look back on
Now sit on my mind like fuzzy dreams.

Your car was way too hot for me
Most rides were windows down
Can’t forget falling asleep in your passenger seat
Whenever you drove around.

Each day was nothing different
Laying on that trampoline became routine
But that’s what I loved the most
Like in a movie, we played the scenes.

I miss last summer
And a room without a door
And a front porch covered in people
With the one that I adored.

The truth is, though;
I will always have leftover feelings for you...
And you, and you, and you.

I put so much of myself into the time I had with you-
That when the end came near-
I had to leave a piece of myself with you so I'd never have to carry it around with me.

And that is why:
My mind always wanders back around...
At some point, random memories sneak in.
At some point, I remember what it felt just lay next to you.
At some point, I think back to giggling along to the jokes we told.
And each moment I fall all over for you, even if for a few seconds.
That is why I will always have leftover feelings for you.

You've got an intimidating smile,
One that sends mixed signals.

What's your next move?

I wish I saw more often
The "I just figured you out" smirk,
I want to know what's in your mind.

I see your grin more than anything,
The type that gets wider the more passionate you are about something...

It's usually music.

Childish laughter and enthusiastic twinkle is what I fell in love with.
I see this displayed on you mostly when I sit across the room at parties
While you talk with others.

I want to see it more often
When I'm curled up in your pasenger seat
As you've got a new song pounding through the speakers,
Wide grin as you tap out the beat against your steering wheel and thigh.

I long for your sleepy slight smirks,
Again.
The one that I'm sure you never know that you make
In the middle of the night when I wake up and press into your chest.
You're softly asleep,
But your lips still slightly curl.

All I can recognize from you now are
Dry, empty tight lips
Unsure, careful laughs
But every now and then nostalgia curls into your grin and i remember all the smiles I fell so hard into.

I kept searching for paradise,
and then I found it
in the color of your eyes radiating ideas too big for the world to ever understand.

I kept searching for something more,
and then I found it
in the flavor of your kiss far too passionate for the world to understand.

I kept searching for something else like you
and I never found it.

I breathe complication
And exhale concern
Let problems shiver down my spine
I have learned to only trouble my own mind
I was made to walk on worry.

You were a simple bliss
Like a nighttime kiss
Love so surreal
Oh the things you made me feel.

Heartache and pleasure
Things to forever treasure
As I lie awake and reminisce
I feel my heart ache, for its you I miss.

Where will these memories go
Sweet and lovely as you know
Push them out of my mind
Disregarding the sweetness, so devine.

Goodbye my sweet lover
I'll give you space, no longer hover
Sweet serenity I say one final goodbye
Hope that we will meet once again, later in time

I still have bruises from the last time we saw one another-
But when I go to search my skin and recollect, I can not see them.
Those bruises seeped past my flesh and right into my blood stream,
No longer a faithful blue in my veins; my plasma runs a deep red,
Steadily dripping onto the bones that are supposed to keep me sturdy-
Yet, I continuously find myself stumbling over my own body.
Muscles weighed down by words that effortlessly flowed past your lips
Right into my brain which now runs endlessly pressing migraine
Headaches that I can't turn off
Because no medicine can heal someone who's fully broken
No medicine can fix an immune system that isn't ill
No medicine can fix my own mentality.

My thoughts take a numbing halt
Lightning strikes down my spine
I cannot feel, but I can still see.

The world continues moving around me,
Though, I am stuck in repetition
Cannot pull myself out of my own head
It is like I am living each day in a false reality.

I am not walking around my neighborhood each morning,
Instead I am following beside a girl who looks and acts as I do.
I watch her comb through the thoughts in her mind;
Pick apart each problem and wonder how she has decided to solve them.
She gently pushes herself to continue down another street,
For she will not return home until her mind is settled.
Today she is a ghost of whoever she used to be.
In the final moment,
As my mind nearly slips away entirely,
We become one body again as I round the corner back to my street-
My house approaches and I catch up to my feet again.

You took me to an art museum
I spent most of the time watching you
Instead of looking at the art on the walls

I wish I could at least remember
the name of your favorite painting
The way you looked at it,
Kept me captivated.

I crave you in the most innocent of ways.
You're like my morning refreshment,
that pulls me awake in a single thought of what's to come.
However, you're also my nighttime procrastination,
attempting to not think of time spent before drifting into slumber.

I indulge in the memory in the bright morning,
when I imagine that it is your sleepy smile pressed against mine,
instead of the lipstick stained rim to my coffee mug.
I imagine that it is your breath I am breathing in,
instead of the steam rising from my small cup.

And as I prepare myself for the day ahead,
I envision your arms wrapped meticulously around my hips,
instead of the sweater you always loved to see me wear.
I envision that it is the warmth I used to feel radiate through my inner body whilst watching the slight curve to your smile as you would greet me every daybreak,
instead of my car heater, striving to produce comfort in the early Texas winter.
I envision that it is your voice chorusing along as you strum an assiduously memorized Hallelujah on your guitar
instead of Jeff Buckley emerging through my worn out speakers.

And yet, I spoil myself with the memory of you as I yawn through my afternoon work;
I compromise: just one cup of coffee will keep me mindful.
But I also begin to deplore these sedulously laid out fabrications and daydreams when it's 3 in the morning, and the sun is still asleep and I've just brewed my second cup of you're sweet quality for the day.

I remember when saying your name
made me swell
Even when we went our seperate ways
letting every syllable of yours
rolll of my tongue
felt sweet
My lips would curve around
each letter letting them slip slowly
from my mouth.

But now,
my throat tightens
chokes against every letter
You have a short name
but it feels like i suffocate against it
Lips pressed tightly against
I dare the letters to sound like they used to
Now your name slices up my tongue
Cracks againsty teeth
Stumbles out silently
What once felt like home, now,
Feels so foreign to my fragile lips

We are laying
At the wrong end of my bed
Laughing way to hard
5 a.m. is beginning to shine through my window
Your smile looks so warm and I am falling in love over and over again