Days are passing faster
My mind no longer spins as hard-
I have found my peace
In the thoughts I cannot stop.

My clock ticks
Seconds passing, and minutes, and hours, and days-
A year has gone by
I am still affected
But no longer stunned by flashing memory of you.

I am experienced in my own control now
I have power over my mind
And I use it everyday to push you out.

There is a hole in our boat,
and though it be still small,
I tread the water lightly around it-
for every careful step i take to patch it back again
only cracks it open farther.

Instead of rowing on the water
we are swimming and fighting to keep afloat-
still trying to save the vessel that is already underwater.
Our feet can't touch the bottom,
but we still look and press to feel grounded against open water.

Paddles snapped in two long ago,
floating farther from where we float.
All i want is to keep rowing-
shore has to be close now.

I keep replacing that night
That night that made my ribs ache most
Pounding chest and watered eyes as you told me
You could feel yourself fading from me
Panic crept into my throat and choked me up
You probably thought the only reason
I didn’t fight was because I was such a closed off person
But my words kept slamming against the back of my teeth
My tongue sliced the air so no sound could escape

You asked for a hug
But my hands were still tight under my thighs
Focused on not trembling as hard as they are as I write this now

I thought this was only something you felt when
The one you still love no longer loves you
Turns out I get to experience the same emotion
As I now force myself to find a love meant for you.

I'm not used to hearing things
that make my heart beat fast
and my legs shake.
I'm not used to getting calls
unless it's 3 a.m.
and someone just needs to vent.
But man would I answer in
a heartbeat just so I can hear your voice
even when I just want to sleep.

When I was little
I used to pretend I was a fortune teller
Looking through the glass orb
Pretending I could see my future
My life as I always wanted it to be.

Now I don't need anything like that
I like the idea of not knowing what I want next,
Although, I'm forever seeing you within all I perceive
No need to imagine how I want life to be
When I'm content with the present.

I was so tired of reading this so I deleted the poem sorry....

Your voice trails through my mind
endlessly
like the superlative rhythm of the rain
dripping through me
drenching me in new thoughts
new ideas
a thunderstorm of you.

I find myself, too often, lately
jumping from elation to monotony in a matter of hours;
finding happiness in your conversation,
and routine when you leave.

I tend to always desire more chances to break away from the typical-
to find more in you,
to appease all my urges at once.
I am restless and always craving something new,
a thrill to top the last,
something that will leave me with every bit of myself halcyon.

For all that, I am disinclined to grant myself this appetite for something more.
Fear that once I do, I will no longer find excitement in myself.

Being with you,
I kept myself from writing
Mainly because I was afraid of being sad again
My writing is always just sad

Now that you've left,
I have words flying around in my head
Attacking my thoughts
I didn't want this to be sad

I'm pretty sure that in a few months
You'll still be the subject of awful sad writing

My poetry doesn't have to perfect.
It usually sounds incomplete,
Or sloppy
And exaggerated.
While mostly careless
Written completely miserably
It turns out substandard
My poetry usually feels like you.

However, on occasion my writing is immaculate;
Reaching heights of beauty;
No flower ever dreamed of being so elegant.
Vines twisting into words forming sentence forming rhythm,
Pristine sparkling letters dripping from each petal.
I am euphoric and growing each day
This writing is a mirror into the garden taking over your spot in my mind.

You are the lump in my throat,
And I am trying not to choke
On words unsaid
And notes unread.
But the letters have started to look jumbled,
My voice is coming out mumbled
And I cannot remember what it was
That I was waiting to discuss.
But here you are, you’re laying against me now,
A tight line is formed against my mouth
And I’m trying to tell you just how I feel
But the sentences I form will not become real.

I liked it better,
when you kept your clothes on the floor of my closet-
Keeping your shirts on hangers between my own
was a connection I didn't know I needed so badly.

I felt like I had more security
Knowing you always had a reason
to come back to me.

Your black and grey t shirt feels a lot more loose
now that we've disconnected.
I wish I could find at least one of your cardigans hidden in my laundry.

I miss having you around
I miss your shoes in my closet.

Tonight, I scrubbed at my body like my skin was trying to forget you.
I pressed soap into every individual pore as hard as I once wrapped myself around you,
Stripped my hair of all oils so that it could no longer feel like how your fingers ran through it
And let the bubbles run down the curves of my body as I turned the water so hot-
My skin glowed red and angry, I wasn’t sure if it was at you, or me.
The steam evaporated into the ceiling as quickly as you did when I drove away.

I stepped out- skin burning and fingers like raisins,
Collarbones red from scrubbing so roughly,
Hair tangled and dripping, soap still running down my back
Drops of water tracing each knot in my spine before dripping into the puddle at my feet.
I wrapped the towel tightly around me and it didn’t feel like you any longer,
It finally felt like I washed you down the drain.
New skin will grow over and I will finally belong to myself again.

stop
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe
go
Repeat, repeat. walk a straight line
pause
Stay now, breathe again
go
Remember. scream
stop
Forget, live without fear
pause*
it's all okay now

A longing for you
when I turn out my lights
and fall back into ny bed.

A longing for you
as I pull the covers up to my chin
and curl up towards the wall.

A longing for you
as I drift in and out of sleep
memories of you tangled up in my dreams.

A longing for you
as I wake the next day
once again without you by my side.

A longing for you
as I slip out of bed
and repeat the daily routine.

We were
eyes closed
seats leaned back, in your car
not touching
and everything still felt increasingly intimate

The night was soft
our fingers were grazing
eyes closed
day ending, streetlights on
In this moment I knew what I wanted was you

You are the human embodiment of the nighttime
a small red car sitting under the dimly lit street lamp of a small suburban neighborhood

11 p.m. was made for you
so was 3 a.m.
I can't complain, you fit the time well
Eyes bright
Mind glowing
Thoughts racing
you are adventure
I need adventure to grow
We are growing.

I've been losing a lot of weight recently, and I fully understand why.
It's not because I feel like my stomach's to big, or there's to much fat on my thighs...

It's because I don't eat my lunch-- no this isn't a plea for help.
All this is is a chance for someone to explore my mental health.

The lunch bell rings and I trudge my way to the cafeteria day by day.
Head straight to the line, grab my sandwich, milk and head on my way.

Beeline to the seat before anyone notices me.
Sit down, take one bite and then I start to see.

I can't help but look around when I'm sitting there all alone.
Or feel the stares back at me as if I'm sitting in the danger zone.

You see nobody pays much attention when you're with a clique or a group,
but the moment no one is with you, all heads turn as if they're stuck on a loop.

And when you're like me- battling with social anxiety,
Every stare can feel like a dagger, you begin to feel each eye as if you were all that mattered.

After maybe one bite of my lunch I'd get up quickly, toss away my tray and leave.
Head bowed down hoping that no one still notices me.

But leaving the cafeteria I find myself back on a battle ground
For I still have to sit in silence, waiting for the lunch bell to sound.

When you go through three weeks like this, something begins to catch your eye.
You're no longer filled out, every breath becomes a sigh.

But even then you know you still can't help yourself
You're stuck in a battle, get away from the stares or help your health.

I became so addicted to the feeling of nothing
that when I started to feel you
I went through withdrawals.
I wanted so desperately to forget about
the nice feelings that ran through my mind
when I thought of you,
because I became so intimate with being alone
that leaving the vast isolation of myself behind
felt like I was killing the part of me
that taught me how to survive.

Ripped away-
You were here.
Now no more.

I kissed you
and tasted alcohol
staining your lips

I didn't find this wrong
Or unusual
Or concerning

All I could think about
Was how I wanted to become
Something you were addicted to

I wanted to drip past your tongue
Pour down your throat
Bitter but enjoyed

Turn to me when you need comfort
Let me haze your mind to take away all pain
Blur your vision so you don't see what you don't want to

I can be your new intoxication.

A gentle caress of the cheek
A shaky fingertip on the chin
The memories come and go in waves,
but hit with the force of a tsunami flood,
crashing down the barriers I so carelessly built up after you left.

A touch of my neck
sends shivers down my spine,
as I remember your lips brushing gentle skin
exhaling my name into the dark.

Twisted in sheets, tangled in blankets
Racing hands and quick breath
those nights come to me quick,
flashing images through my mind.

Glow of your eyes - you loved me.
Smiles on your face - you meant it.
Pleasure in your body - you showed me.
Grasp of your hand - you watched me laugh.*

I would say I want this nostalgia to stop,
but to be quite honest-
I'm addicted to reminiscing on these thoughts.

The fear of forgetting you
presses ******* all sides
suffocating my mind with images of us.

This has got to be the thousandth time Ive thought of you tonight.

I would keep a tally
But
At this point everytime I touch a pen,
I just end up writing about you instead.

Open windows
Rainy night
Your arms
Tangled legs
Slow breathing
Sleepy eyes
Thunderstorms in my mind even though
I'm only thinking of you.

there are some days i think
"wow, i'm finally over you"
and then there are nights where i lay in bed alone
at 2 am
and i'm staring at the blank ceiling
and something will stir in my memory
and i realize i'll never get past you
and it's those thoughts that hurt the most.

12 am
Silly me, I caved in
And for the first time in months, I called you again
                                                  "Come meet me
                                                  at our favorite place."

Sitting down on the swing
Trying the understand the distance between
I see you walking closer to me
                                                  "I was wondering when
                                                  you'd call my phone."

I couldn't resist
I missed your sweet bliss
Leaning in, you stole a kiss
                                                  "We should leave
                                                  it's pretty cold."

I climb into your car
You hold onto my hand, yet seem so far
Those hands, so gracefully, strummed your guitar
                                                  "I was asleep when you called
                                                  I hope you know."

The way you said it didn't strike me as odd
A sarcastic manner, so I managed a nod
The way you tried to sound annoyed had seemed so flawed
                                                  "Where exactly are we going
                                                  on a night like this?"

You pull up a song
and start to sing along
turn it down a notch, then think for far to long
                                                  "An adventure my dear
                                                  is what tonight's all about."

Fast forward a bit
to when I'm biting my lip
where we're alone in your bed- your hands stroking my hip.
                                                  "I've missed the way
                                                  you loved me."

And now we're laying, you've drifted off to sleep
My thoughts have gotten far to deep
I steal a kiss upon your cheek.

I turn away and start to move to the other side of the bed
but even in your sleep your hands wrap tighter around me and pull me closer instead
and all that motion speaks for the words unsaid.

Whether it was the need in your embrace
or the look of longing on your face
loving you was always the worst chase.

That night he reached for my hand
My fingers corroded.
Every nail of mine rusted over and began to crumble;
But, I kept holding on and fought against all the chemicals in my body working against his touch.

When he talked, I tried to keep up with simple conversation;
However, every time I went to speak
My lungs became oxidized.
I would choke on every letter that managed to escape;
But, I still said things I probably shouldn't.

And as he kissed me, I felt my mouth
Crystallize entirely.
Snowflakes frosted my lips and my teeth hardened into quartz;
But, I allowed it to happen over and over because
He always "loved how my smile shined."

When he was near, every atom in my body buzzed
Pressed against my skin and bones.
All protons, neutrons, and electrons collided against each other.
Fighting to escape
As if the cells that made me knew as explosion was near;
But, I didn't listen because I thought chemistry was just about balancing equations.

You're never available anymore
and plans are cancelled before confirmed
I want you around like you were last year
But, I've marked my calendar and you're not here.

Strange- how you have changed
Given 365 days and I'm not sure you're the same.
Yes, I'm happy you've grown- sculpted yourself,
And there's no denying I've changed too,
But you put me on a shelf.

Yet, you still hold onto me
I'm unsure of what you're going to do
We're becoming new people- do you agree
I'm keeping a tight hold on something involving you
Maybe
Let's just cut the connection to start progressing
Find where we should be.

When I first met you
You were just someone
Filled with extreme ideas I once believed would never make it far.

But now,
It's like your mind is the sea
And when you speak,
Suddenly I'm not afraid of being too deep
I no longer fear the unknown.

Instances like you show just how weak I am
How easy it is to wrap my mind around the idea that I could be something more
That I could push myself towards something I want.

But how easy it is for you to come around and change everything I once believed.

I had a dream
I was in your bed
Painting pictures at 3 pm
We weren't together
But I was still there
Comfortable in the friendship we still have left
You came home
Started painting too
We finished up
Cleaned our brushes
And made plans to start picture two
Next weekend, then the next
I nice rotation
A series of paintings.

You said you needed space
So I gave you to the universe
But you got lost among the stars, trapped against a moon,
And you asked for me to bring you back.

You said you needed to stay closer
So I put you back in my box
But claustrophobia got the best of you, shrunk yourself smaller,
And you asked me for more room.

You said you wanted distance
So I left for somewhere new
Though adventure was just down my street, I left for cities farther,
And I asked for you to follow.

I would sleep better on your floor
Than I do in my own bed.

I hate sleepless nights
And rolling over to the spot you always lay
Instead of into your arms.

I would enjoy the scratch of your carpet on my body
And pillow creases against my cheeks
As long as it means I'm next to you.

I can't stand all these pillows anymore
Without you to share them with.

Was i way your hands slipped around my waist,
Or the protective grasp in your embrace?

The feelings you gave to me, I cannot deny
And yet I sit here still, asking myself why.


What made you fall silent and turn away from me?
There were some things that you saw, but you didn't truly see.

Accusing and betrayed, there was a pain in your voice
I knew you had settled, you had made your choice.


I'm not sure if it was the pain in your eyes or maybe it was  the sorrow in your words,
But I decided to leave you at that, my mind in a blur.


And I guess that was my mistake; not fighting more for you.
So I've thought about it for some time and realized sadly it's still something I'd never do.

Even though you now tell me you're sorry, and you believe what I have said,
I still can't stop these thoughts from running through my head.

You'll still be leaving in less than a year,
And I'll be sitting with all our memories here.