if nothing gold can stay this way then nothing dead remains
for every stump or carcass laid will fade into the plains.
so while i walk in solitude as bare paths form behind,
the promises of lush green fields will always come to mind.
but even wildest of lands will require some care,
without, no glimpse of gold or green will e'er dare to appear.
last, one must know that all thriving fields will arrive with time;
all that's past and passed will decompose for meadows sublime.

i clutch a handful of sand in my palm
it feels so soothing when i am without a qualm
when things are slow, every grain stays in place
but it's harder to hold when i quicken my pace
i grip tighter as my panic lingers
but some sand begins to slip through my closed fingers
the more i try, the less i can contain
i am only helpless as i watch the sand drain
if only i could have another hand
but i can do nothing about the running sand

i want to write more poetry but the words refuse to leave
i'm terrified that they might become what used to make me pleased

i believed every scribble i drew on paper in pen was art
"it's my poetry, who cares about verse, form, rhythm, and heart?"

i assigned too much meaning to all the juvenile words
instead of searching for the words that are ones worth working for

i continuously thought that my first drafts were perfection
always finished with each one after being newly written

i labeled meaningless writing as simply ambiguous
to call my work poetry was such a misdiagnosis

isolation's comforting; none here to object

the first time an online boy confessed to me
it scared me
how he read between the banter to find something that wasn't there and i
was blind to it
i thought we could continue like this forever
static
and nothing would change
because change is scary
when this boy told me he liked me
i remembered that he was a person
not just some account mirroring my words, devoid of feeling
free from extracting meaning from nothing
like people so often do

perhaps, while i talked to him, i forgot i was a person too
people are scary
and to remember that i am a person is to remember that i have parts of myself that i am terrified of
talking to this online boy
i wasn't burdened by that
i was everything aspirational
cool, witty, silly but just the right amount to be respected

i've talked to more online people since
and i've had more boys confess to me since
it gets easier but it never gets less sad
i had never learned to lower my expectations and remember that these online people.... are people

at some point, i came to expect it
rip the bandaid off early
i don't care if it hurts

well, i do care if it hurts
but i never remember that until i am hurt

i dig for any information about these people
i'm sorry i am so impulsive but i cannot stand to continue loving myself and loving the people i talk to
knowing that some day, i cannot

so i see it
i see their full name
i see that they're a college student at a state university only a few hours from me
i see that they have lives outside of direct messages
i see that they have a face
they're not bad looking
they look pretty nice, in fact
but i want to forget it

people are scary
when you see a friend's face for the first time
it reminds you that they're a person
and that
is the saddest feeling in the world

i'll always be here
like a sunflower follows the sun

i lost myself trying
to find you when you are gone

i'll never stop caring
even after all that you've done

even though you are a ghost

how am i supposed to forget about you
when the possibility of rekindling what we had still lingers
i’m scared to let go
in case you haven’t yet
and we can salvage what we have left

when you needed me
i skipped class for you
i skipped sleep for you

when i needed you
you skipped over me

why am i sensitive to criticism
maybe it's because of my mom
every time i open myself up to be rated
i instead get berated

to be a writer
you have to be bored
and trap yourself in your own mind
you have to think your way out of the box you are locked in
so you write
you become someone else
someone more intelligent
more capable
ink flows with their blood
as you become them
you feel their pain
and become addicted to it
so you give them some more
and it becomes too much for you to handle
but you can't stop
so you share it
share it with other people who absorb the pain like drugs
who are addicted like alcoholics
as you write
you begin to find yourself
you find that you really are addicted
and how unhealthy it is
so you try to make it better
you started writing as a way to escape
but now it's your own cage that you painted
you really do make it better
it's not as satisfying as the pain
but you are free
and as you drift off
finally out of your enclosure
you experience withdrawals
you unconsciously pick up our pen and journal
and begin scribbling again
it's simply a nesting doll of boxes that you can't escape
and then once you realize
that writing is the key to this endless loop of relief and pain
and you accept it
that's when you become a writer

my hair flows
like the delicate music
that keeps the suicidal thoughts at bay

it's all about balance
people who appear neutral outside
seem to be neutral inside
maybe that's why i'm so sad
while acting so happy

it's truly crazy
how alone i feel
surrounded by monsters
wearing human masks

bright red mouths
jeering at me from my own body
they stay
laughing
i only have a bandaid to cover them

tell me to stop getting distracted
because it's so easy for you to say that
tell me to stop binge eating
because it's so easy for you to say that
tell me to stop overthinking things
because it's so easy for you to say that
tell me to stop getting scared
because it's so easy for you to say that
it's like you think i want to be like this
if i could stop then i would
it's harder than it seems
when i think about the word stop
the only think i can think about it to stop living

middle name

something some people flaunt
they say it within their introduction

something some people admit
a half-hidden secret

something some people hide
deny, refuse, reject

something some people lack
so they never think about it

anxiety is my middle name

some words leave a bitter taste

they taste like strong, lingering coffee
at first pleasant, but eventually unbearable

they taste like inhaled cigarette smoke
something never forgotten
but a significant part of childhood

they taste like hiraeth
longing for a life from once before
one without a missing piece

father is a bitter word

i'm just a tissue to you
i'm there for you to soak up your tears
but as soon as i tear
you can throw me away

if only you could ever know what you've done to me

ink stained my skin from where i wrote hate letters to myself

scars line my skin from where i tried to cut out everything i hated about myself

fat clings on my bones for dear life because i tried to starve it off

pain still flows along with my blood, traveling from my mind to my heart

if only it could leave with all the blood i tried to lose

you are like the sun
i might be flying too high
wanting you
you are further than i can reach
but close enough to hurt me
i can feel you melting my wax as
i come closer longingly
ignorant of my own doom
because i only realized
how little i knew you
so as i make a last attempt
my own wings tear apart
and i'm left
falling alone

my dreams aren't shattered
i'm not devastated
i just realized
that what my dreams are
might just always be dreams
and it's time to focus on reality

i'm immediately consumed
by the darkness around me
and i look for an escape
behind me is the light outside
but i can barely reach it
it's so close
but running away
i can only move forward
into the unknown
and i already regret it

when i thought
he was the one just for me
but then i saw
him and i just weren't a we
the heart break
when i was young
was enough
to hurt me until now
and now i'm scared
that the same thing will happen again
with you

always scared to
but i realized i did it
before i ever thought this through
i don't know how to feel
accomplished or afraid
because i think i fell to hard
for you
before i jumped
i should have gotten a parachute

darling take a hold of my hand
before i
mess this up
your smile can brighten up any day
and as i look into your eyes
and see you
all i see is pure joy
all i want to do is laugh the day away

poetry isn't written by people who are depressed
it is written by people who have found art in their emotions

i never knew about you
4. you were scary
11. i was scared you would take my family
12. i accepted you as a part of us
13. i wish you could come sooner

i wish you could see me now
not then
i regret everything i did
and i only want you
everyone changes
but i changed a little too late
to keep you

you were the brightest star
that's why i saw you
but as i got closer
i realized that your glow was just a cover up
to the fact
that you were never as beautiful
i was a little too close
for my own good
and i had to let you go
i could never find you in the night sky after that

was the blackest night i could remember
i didn't have the voices of angels to sooth me
demons took charge that night
i feel bright blue eyes settling on my
as piercing as the dark scythe he held
another painted white creeped out
their faces smiling with the smiles i did not want to see
i try to tell myself it will be okay
but in my heart i knew it wasn't
i pray as they come closer
their prescence tighten my throat and don't allow me to speak the words i needed
i clutch blankets as a shield
but i could feel my former protection wrap around me like the chains coming up from hell
i scream
with a scream i hope was not the voice of him
i imagine the tears streaming out like the phlegethon burning the demons
but it only gives them like
arms catch me
it takes me a moment to realize that they were neither angels or demons
but soothing arms that actually cared about me
i surfaced out of my run away imagination
it is no longer black
and no demon is no longer there
but i was so sure they were still watching me

i can't stand to hear your voice
because another whispers
in the safe conceals of a shadow
you other meaning
as easily interpreted as the looks
of your face that speaks otherwise
the way you always look left to walk right
or look happy when you're angry
luring me closer and closer
revealing everything once i'm too close to back away
the eclipse speaks as though i am some monster
too late
i realized this twilight's voice was my own

but my smile marks the place
where i found the strength
to keep on crawling

my tears mark the place
where i fell down
and could never get up again

the only lust i have
is the want of something new
the beauty of the world that is buried
behind shallow thoughts of man
i wish to see something i can share
my feelings with
i hope to see something
no one has ever seen before
the only lust i have
is wanderlust

somewhere in my heart,
there might be a little love,
that's shoved behind locked cabinets,
labeled 'pain',
it's shut in a safe,
with the combination of 'regret',
it's in my library of secrets,
along with 'mistakes', 'happiness', and 'tears',
it's hidden behind the muscles of steel,
that keep my heart pounding,
every time i think about this forbidden word,
one day,
if i ever get past the bronze edge of my tongue,
i might be able to think about,
"love".

i reached the sky
and fell down right after
but nobody cared
i can hear the stars' laughter

i'll love you forever,
will you do the same?
i should have realized,
this was just a game.

i believed i could fly,
before you beat me to the ground,
so i lost my wings of dreams,
and left without a sound.

i made my rash promises
and you made your broken ones
you made a fool out of me
i guess only fools would fall for you

my hair is as dark as the days when i believed that nobody would ever love me

my eyes are as deep as the water i tried to drown in

my lips are as red as the blood that spilled from my wrist

my skin kissed by the summer sun i always hated

slowly

i became my own nightmare

all you need to do is love yourself
but i can't because
how can i love myself
when that girl in the mirror
is my worst fear

i walk the same path every day
yet i can never find my home
i'm with the same group every day
yet i am always alone
i sing this lonely song
to find myself high or low
so i pray to god
that he will send me my angel

goodbyes are hard to say
because we never know when it is our last

your breathy voice whispers
it's last message
"final farewell"--
and before we know it
you've committed to something
that would scar us

your angelic face fade
into death forever
leaving me in bitter tears
because we never treated you right
like a human

seeing you lifeless
a crushed rose with poison
in you wilted stem
tears my heart into broken glass
tunes my words into broken blues
turns my writing into broken poetry
and all i can think about is

my sorrow
i'm speaking for everyone
when i say
i'm sorry that it's our fault
such an angel has left the earth
that you were driven to your pain
leaving us to all cry for you
knowing we would never see you

i speak for everyone when i say
sorry
we love you--

KIM JONGHYUN

you're being blinded by her

i used to love you

your love is killing me

i'm trying to be happy

i can open my mouth
but never speak my heart

i write broken poetry
yet it never  sounds like art

i try to face my problems
but i can never start

there's a war in my chest
and it's tearing me apart

they make moving on sound so easy
but all i want to do is grieve for you
why do i try so hard but can't forget you

everything brings of memories
they are so hard to forget
and too precious to let go of

i can smile no longer for you're loss
how can i smile when my world is falling apart
why should i smile if everything i ever smiled for is gone

i'm craving to hear your voice one more time
the have such a melody sooth me once more
it pains me that i will never hear such an angel again

you were like a full moon on a lonely night
all i wanted to do is admire you're light
all i wanted to do was be on the moon

maybe when my grief fades in the future
and the pain of your death doesn't hurt as fresh
i can say, goodbye my love

i remember the first time
i was told to shut up for laughing
it was by my sister

give me a new name
strip me of my old one
because no matter how you treat me
i don't know where to run

excited like a newborn
sneaky like a child
worried like a adult
and my heart is still wild.