today
i am remembering
that self care
is not all
bubble baths &
face masks &
movie nights &
spa days &
essential oils
self care is
reaching out
when i know
i need help
and i am terrified
of the response
i may face

"I'm an open book"
She says

Written in
code.

Laughter is the best medicine, I've heard it said
So don't take a pill, laugh a little instead
Laugh with the world or laugh at yourself
Laughter isn't a medicine that expires on the shelf

Tell a silly story or a really good joke
You don't know whose laughter your bound to provoke
even a giggle goes a long way
When you're feeling down and are having a bad day

When you don't know what to do, cause your life is a mess
Laugh really loud to deal with the stress
So laughter is the medicine that I recommend
Remember that things workout in the end

Forget the ***** and enjoy the laughter
Then you won't wake up with a hangover the day after
I'll live my life and laugh all I can
Cause I'm laughter's number one fan

I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

I always listen to your problems
When you cry I wipe a tear
I love you with all my heart
And that's my greatest fear

I can't get you out of my head
I just keep on missing you
Even before going to bed
I am still thinking of you

You're always there when I'm asleep
And all throughout the night
In the morning when I wake up
You never leave my sight

It's a game of love roulette
And my gun is fully loaded
As loving my best friend is friendship suicide
So I'll make sure it's noted

Those silly songs;
so sad but true
With lost feelings
of me and you

I played it on
with the tape's side A
Felt like blossoms of dawn
and flowers of May

I flipped the tape
Found side B's empty
The same thing I get
Every time you look at me

"You'll get over this."
You once confided
That's what our love is;
Too one-sided

grasping at things
not meant for me.
they slip from
my hands so
easily.

feeling
    hopeless
          helpless
full of fear.

what does the future hold?
they say it gets better
and i'm screaming

WHEN?