Pain.
Hurt.
I think I’m afraid of it.

Afraid to feel so strongly for someone again because hell,
I know how it’ll end up.

Me, broken, bleeding on the ground
my heart ripped out and ****** on the floor.

That’s how it always ends, isn't it?

Suffering.

That unbearable ache in your chest that makes you wish you could rip your heart out.

If only it weren’t already torn to shreds
by the only person you trusted
to hold it together.

- torn apart

someone once told me
you never forget your first love
you always love them
maybe in some strange twisted way
your brain forgetting
all the pain they caused
you love them
and i think they were right
because in a way
i love you
and i think i always will
for some nonsensical reason
i will never see the world
the same because of you
and sometimes i wish
i could change that
erase you from my thoughts
as you distort them
with your unwavering power
but then i remember
i wouldn’t want it any other way
you have shaped me
into the person i am today
and because of that
and i wouldn’t change a thing

- i'll never forget you

you came back

a fresh start
a new beginning
taking me
out of the dark
and into the light
so i can heal
from what you
left me as
petals wilted
leaves browned
wounds now mending

let me learn
so i can grow
once more
take me
somewhere i belong
where i can bloom
as the flowers do
with pretty petals
green leaves
full of life
a new beginning
a fresh start

that’s what you’ve given me

- bloom

when i think of you
you are now no more than a
stranger i once knew

a stranger
that broke my heart
and didn’t care
that what you left behind
wasn’t me anymore

a stranger
that stitched themself
into my life
just to rip themself
out of it
without warning

a stranger
i once loved
with all my heart
that never gave
anything back
to me
but silence

a stranger
i once thought i knew
but realized
too late
i didn’t recognize
who was
in front of me



when i think of you
you are a stranger
and maybe that’s
how it’s supposed to be

but i find myself
missing you
even though
you are a stranger

even though
you hurt me
more than anyone
ever has before

even though
you turned me
into someone
i don’t recognize
in the mirror anymore

even though
i am now a stranger
to myself
i am caught
in your web
unable to escape
from your grasp,
stranger

--- i knew you once (and it was nice)

air can no longer reach my lips
as i try to remind myself
what it’s like to be in love

i can’t remember what it feels like
to have kisses down your neck
or to exchange loving smiles
with someone you want to spend
every waking hour with
unable to withstand
the ache of being apart

so i cut off my oxygen
hoping it will remind me
of the feeling
of my breath catching
as we locked eyes

i am depriving myself
of the air i need to survive
to finally remind me
of the pain you caused
choking the life out of me
that i interpreted as love

but now i realize
that was never really love
i never had the moments
of loving smiles
and kisses on cheeks
i crave so deeply

so i don’t know why
i keep searching
hurting myself
trying to find something
i never will

knowing i’m looking for
memories of nothing
just dreams
created by my mind
to save me the pain
of never really living them

--- (i’m so sick of this) fake love

you broke me
letting me believe
we would last forever
knowing **** right
that was never your plan
that you would leave me
to waste away
into nothing

and you did

           - hurt.

today i think of you

and i’m okay

i don’t miss you

but more so the idea of you

your kisses on my lips

and hands in my hair

late messages of “i love you”

that i never really believed



i want to go back to that

to love filled stares

and intertwined fingers

but with someone

that when they say “i love you”

i believe them

it is not your words
that pierce my heart
like a bullet
but the absence of them

they leave me broken
shattered into pieces
withering away
unable to be put back together

confusion plagues my mind
distorting my thoughts
into a jumbled mess
making it impossible
to think about anything
but you

validation
i crave it like a drug
i am an addict
searching for my next high
through your words
that tell me i am enough
for i cannot tell myself
that i am worthy

i regret the words
the moment
they leave my lips

no matter how many times
i say i’m sorry
you don’t believe me

my heart breaks
this is not what i wanted
i have made a terrible mistake

the tears in my eyes
fall down my cheeks
as i try to explain my words

you don’t give me a chance
you turn away
disgust in your eyes

then i fall apart
piece by piece
the more you are gone

i have made a mistake
a terrible mistake
and there’s no going back

the absence of you
leaves me aching
for more of your touch
i never thought i’d miss

You cause me pain
but I can’t let go.
The strings of my heart are too
intertwined with your yours.

Keeping me close enough
to become deeply attached.
Enough that i begin forming
a future for us in my mind.

I think letting go
would snap every string.
Leaving me broken
even more so than I am right now.

So I will push through
the pain you cause me,
Because anything is better
than the pain of loneliness.

There is a storm in my brain
Thoughts spiralling down with gale force winds
Picking up pieces of life i don’t want to remember
Forcing me to endure the storm till it passes
Then it is calm, but not for long

Sometimes it returns as a tornado
Swirling around, chaotic but quick
But other times it is a hurricane
Crashing down on me, wave upon wave
Relentless and lasting

It is agonizing and confusing
The inability to think,
To know what’s happening inside me
It makes me wish i were asleep
Or that my heart had stopped beating

It makes feel like i am falling apart
Where nothing makes sense
My thoughts are not my own
Everything I think
is from someone else’s brain

But that feeling goes away
The storms never last forever
Though there is always aftermath
Thoughts are always lurking
Just underneath the surface

Waiting to come back up
Even worse than before
To pull me apart
Piece by piece
And destroy me

each time
i look in your eyes

another piece of me
breaks inside

piece by piece
you tear me apart

moment by moment
falling deeper in love

hurting me
in the best way

missing you
more every minute

i am constantly drawn
back to you

utterly unable
to stay away

you are breaking
down my walls

and i just might let you

the cacophony of life
overwhelms me
like a tidal wave
unbelievably loud

washing away
everything in its path
till there is nothing left
but you and me

only us

you’re all I needed anyways

I’ve forgotten how to breathe
The air is caught in my lungs
Unable to travel up my trachea
Causing my lips to turn blue
And my body cold
Pain runs through my body
My mind races
Wondering how i let you get this close
I have made a deadly mistake
I shouldn't have trusted you

I’m dying
And it’s your hands around my throat

the shell of a human
that is what I’ve become

the wreckage of your destruction
nothing but refuse

just waiting to be tossed away
and forgotten

chaos
all I can hear are the thoughts in my mind
banging against the walls of my skull
begging to be brought to life
when all I want is
silence

i cannot breathe when you are near
the breath catching in my lungs
becoming a ball of nerves and insecurity

i hope you’ll notice
and tell me its okay
to breathe

Without warning
Your words pierce my heart
Like a knife

Sharp
Unforgiving
Cold

Right through my back
Between my ribs
Into the muscle that keeps me alive

Quick
Discreet
Fatal

I am gone before I even know it
Suddenly ceasing to exist
All because of

You
And
Your
Words

I am here
all alone
always present
never belonging

I am a figment
here in the shadows
listening
never speaking

i am a waste of air
just sitting here
existing
never actually living

i am nobody
breathing and eating here
all alone
but never being acknowledged

i am hurting
but no one can see
i lay here empty
never being loved

i am waiting
for someone to do something
i wait here forever
never being wanted

i am here
suffering silently
broken
never to be noticed

here.

you kiss me
you tell me you love me
but it is nothing but a lie
nothing but false words
escaping from your lungs
as you tell me things i want to hear
it was nothing but an illusion
our relationship was just a fabricated perfection
a dark figure hid in the shadows
disrupting the “perfection”
with wrenching doubt and confusion and intrusive thoughts
i thought that was the lie
but apparently, i was wrong
apparently, you were the lie
you always were
right from the start
i just couldn't see it

I know I shouldn’t
But i miss you like the sun misses the moon.

I can’t help
But miss you like a rain filled sky misses the sun.

No matter how much I try
I still miss you like a desert misses the rain.

I wish I could stop
But I keep missing you like the darkness misses the light

I see your picture
And miss you like the night sky misses the stars

I miss you like the cold of winter misses the heat.
I miss you like the blind misses sight.
Like the lame misses walking.
Like a wound misses healing.
Like an alcoholic misses liquor.
Like an addict misses the high.

Without you
I feel like a warrior without their armour
Like the world without people.
I am the world and you are the people.
Without you, I am nothing.

Yet you are a parasite to me,
slowly chipping away at my core,
unaware of the destruction in your wake.

And I just can’t stop missing you.

It is black tar running through my veins in place of blood
It is maggots digesting my dead, decaying skin
It is nightmarish thoughts eating away at my soul
It is a dark killer hunting me in the dark
It is a lion tearing at my skin and devouring its prey
It is a black hole annihilating everything in its path
It is a storm leaving only a desolate landscape in its wake
It is a cancer in my brain, consuming me
It is the destruction of everything good in my life
It is jealousy

when the lights go out
the dark parts of my thoughts come out

a weapon to fight them i am without
they attack me with force, i am filled up with doubt

a silent cry for help i shout
but nothing becomes of it, they will always surmount

you let me believe we were something
you broke my heart over and over again
In my chest, my heart painfully thumping
leaving me hopeless and wondering when
you decided i wasn’t enough
I never thought life could be quite this rough

your lips on my skin were like fire
little did i know they burnt through my soul
leaving a gaping hole when you left
forcing me to die
all alone